Lost in the Valley Without My Horses

Sunday May 30

2010-05-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

Morning blog:

Yesterday started out like a lot of other recent days, full of anxiety with a twist of frustration. But then I took a step back and asked myself "why?". I used to be of the philosophy that things happen the way they happen and we, as people, are largely just along for the ride. In fact, my dad surprised me a few days ago when he told me that he believed the same thing. Weird hearing that coming from him because I never took him as a guy who believed much beyond this world.

While I often relapse, I still believe it is true. I'm not completely in control of my own life and I should stop getting frustrated when things happen that are beyond my control.

---

Read an interesting journal entry by Roger Ebert earlier today. He wrote about frission, which is a French word for a "a brief intense reaction, usually a feeling of excitement, recognition, or terror." and how our brains in the internet age have become re-wired to seek frission rather than longer-term projects that require more focus and attention, yet provide a more lasting sense of satisfaction (like a book). I've noticed this in myself. Lately I've found that books don't really have much interest for me. Whereas it could take me a few days read a book, I could finish a movie in an hour-and-a-half or read a tweet in a few seconds and get the same sort of emotional response. Such a response is more fleeting, of course, but does that really matter? Is one sort of response better than another?

Saturday May 29

2010-05-29T06:20:00.001-07:00

Morning blog:

I've been feeling a bit stressed lately. Part of the reason is that I'm not quite where I thought I would be in life right now. I really, really thought that I'd have a job by the time I left Cruces. It didn't happen that way and I need to learn to deal with it. Large chunks of idle time of never been that good for me. I tend to go a little crazy.

When it comes to this stress and confidence question, I ultimately I need to ask myself why. What's the point of feeling this kind of pressure? Things are going to happen how they are going to happen and there isn't that much you can do about it. I cannot control how other people will act, only how I react.

I was thinking for a little bit that I may try and get my job back at Hastings during my off time. It will give me something to do, at least, was the thinking. But I've been going back and forth on this. A part of me just thinks I should enjoy the free time because I may never have it again in my life.

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Some Thoughts on Confidence

2010-05-28T05:39:00.000-07:00

Morning blog:

I've been on a bit of a roller coaster lately. Not that anything necessarily has been happening in my life, but maybe that's the problem, nothing at all has been happening (job wise, personally things have been happening, but more on that later). In and of itself that isn't really a bad thing, but it has given me a lot of time to think and when I start thinking, sometimes bad things happen.

The key word is confidence. I simply don't have any and it is really starting to become a problem. I've spent the vast majority of my life thinking I was a loser who isn't worth anybody's time and that is a hard habit to break. How does one even begin building themselves up again?

To me, the most important part of confidence is being comfortable with who you are. For too long I've had this notion that I need to impress people and change to who they want me to be just so they can like me. That's not strong and confident. It's weak and pathetic because in the end, not only can the person you are trying to impress see right through it, but you end up only more stressed out yourself because you are constantly worried about if you've changed enough.

Bottom line is this: you should be happy with who you are and not try to change to fit other's needs. A little change isn't bad, but personalities are what they are.

Expectations vs. Reality

2010-05-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

I think I expected too much. All last semester I had the idea firmly implanted into my brain that I was going to have a job as soon as the school let out. I had some nibbles and I was really close a few times, but here it is, the end of the semester and I still haven't found anything. I've had some really wild fluctuations in mood lately and it's all due to this expectations-reality disconnect.

In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't a huge deal. I'll find something and knowing how things always seems to work out for me in the end, something better than I could have ever imagined. But the waiting is just brutal. I think some people just aren't wired to sit around and wait for things, and perhaps that's how I am too.

Lots of free time hasn't been my friend, but perhaps we should learn to tolerate each other a little more.

Random Thoughts for a Tuesday Evening

2010-05-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to fall off the wagon again (or is it on?). It's inevitable, when things start to become confused in my life, I always turn back to my drug of choice, food. I've basically been eating non-stop since I left Las Cruces a week and a half ago. I don't know how much weight I've gained, and I've been too afraid to look.

Eating is one of those things that often has little to do with hunger. In my case, I think it's the symptom of some deeper psychological issue. I really feel that I don't have the control over my life that I once did. I'm done with school, put in many applications and resumes and now I just have to wait. The uncertainty is a killer for me and when my general sense of anxiety starts to rise, I start eating again.

I could kid myself and say that it's related to my moving back home for a while, but I won't kid myself, I just have no self-control and I can easily imagine me un-doing all my gains from the previous few months in just a few weeks. At the very least, I should get back in the gym...

A Lame Title for a Blog About My Time at NMSU...

2010-05-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

I recently finished my Master's degree at NMSU

As some of you may know, the NMSU economics program was not my first choice. Originally, coming out of college, my plan was to do the Community/Regional Planning program at UNM, a program that did not require the GRE for admission. Since I didn't want to take the GRE for a back-up school, and since NMSU graduate school didn't require it, it seemed like a perfectly natural 2nd best. After strong family resistance to my top choice, I decided to go ahead and go to NMSU.

Me and Las Cruces have a rather long and tangled history. The first time I was there, right out of high school, I was miserable and couldn't wait to leave. I would say this time around my feelings towards LC have improved, although only slightly. I still hate that place. My feelings aren't entirely rational, maybe some petty complaints about traffic, but it's largely just due to bad memories and some personal wounds that never totally healed. I have never felt that I belonged in LC the way I have in either Farmington or Albuquerque, like I was always a mere carpetbagger.

I started out at NMSU in the policy analysis concentration, and while interesting, I figured that the career prospects were better in the regulatory economics program. I think I made a good choice as far as concentrations go. Of course, I still don't have a job, but I haven't been completely lacking in success in the job market. I've had a few interviews and have gotten close a few times. It's simply been a matter of things not quite coming together (more on this later).

I had two jobs at NMSU, one as a research assistant for a professor and another one working as a researcher at the Arrowhead Center. These were both very good jobs and I'm glad I had them. The pay was good and the work was, for the most part, interesting. While things did get boring from time to time, it certainly beats grading papers and fielding questions from idiotic undergraduate students.

So I'd have to conclude, overall, my time at NMSU was positive, although it definitely had it's ups and downs.

Return of Mellow

2010-05-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

Over the last month-and-a-half I pretty much lost my mellow. Yes, I had a lot of external help, job interviews, my oral exam, papers and projects being due, but true mellow is not about things that happen to you, rather, how you react to them. I just simply lost my commitment. But I think it's found again.

For one, I've de-cluttered. I don't know if they have proven this scientifically, but mess causes stress. I'm preparing to move again, so naturally, a lot of de-cluttering is necessary. Typically, I've just shuffled crap from one area to another, but I've committed myself to throwing a bunch of unnecessary stuff this time. It's amazing the stuff I've kept, books and research papers from 4 years ago! That's all gone now. It's amazing what a difference a cleaner house can make. Not just a shuffle from one area to another, but a true de-clutter.

I think I'm also developing a new outlook on the whole job search thing. It was stressing me out for a while. Why? I have no idea. I know this in my mind, but it is hard for the rest of my body to remember, but things really do happen in their due course. Sometimes it may take a while, and the company (whichever one) may not call me today, or tomorrow, or the next day, but they will call eventually. Just wait and let things unfold.

Adventures in Denver

2010-04-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

Yet another spoke on the job interview wheel....

The day from hell (DFH) started before the actual day of the interview even began. My mind was racing and I just could not go to sleep. It's understandable, but befor all my other interviews, I slept great.

The second part of DFH was getting to the airport in Durango, CO. To say it's in the middle of nowhere is putting a nice spin on it, it's really much more than that, it's in the middle of...... um.... something further than nowhere. I've been there before, the route is poorly signed. I decided to rely on the Tom-Tom, but of course that failed as well. It turned me off the highway three times before the actual turn.

Eventually, I found the airport. But naturally, there decided to be a snowstorm that day in Denver and my flight out was delayed by an hour. There wasn't really a set time for the interview, just whenever I got there, but still, it was just another bullshit hassle. About the time, however, I realized that the delay is actually a good thing (less time at the actual interview), we took off.

The weather in Denver held up for the flight, but, of course, it started snowing when I landed and the car rental place was packed. I've never been to Denver before, so not only did I have to navigate through a huge city I've never been in, but I also had to do it with snow and ice on the ground, in a rental car. Great, right? And of course the interview was nowhere close to the Denver airport and all the way across town.

Then, of course, there is the interview process itself. It was an odd mix of formal questions and informal chit-chat. If I were an interviewer, I'd find the informal stuff much more enlightening. Frankly, the formal stuff is bullshit. It's basically the same questions over and over again and if you do it often enough, it's re-gurgitated and practiced. Not a lot you can learn from that. But overall, I think they had a good process because there was plenty of informal stuff.

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful but I was hella tired by the time I got home.

Masters Oral Exam

2010-04-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

One of the most unpleasant things a masters student at NMSU has to look forward to is the Masters Final Examination, or colloquially know as the oral exam. It's a pretty mind bending process. Basically, you stand in front of a group of 4 or 5 professors and answer whatever questions they may have for you.

It's exactly a horrid a process as it sounds and one of the most intimidating situations a student could be in. As a student you do NOT have the tactical advantage. The key, however, to survival of the oral exam is advance planning. You first have to plan which professors you want on your committee and it requires a lot more strategy then you might imagine. Not only do you have to find professors that you've worked with, but you also have to find those that your sure won't be too rigorous. A generally pleasant personality helps too. Because let's face it, a lot of professors are prickly and if they are in asshole in everyday interactions, they will be in the oral exam too. I thought a lot about this and I think I selected the perfect mix. The ideal professor would be one who is familiar with your work, but has never really called you to task on it. This may seem like a wussy way to do it, but sometimes it's about surviving, not thriving.

The second thing is to not be afraid to ask possible subjects. Each time I did, they were very forthcoming, and since I did this about a month in advance, I was able to study the hell out of those subjects before the exam. I pretty much had it all down cold. Professors, in a lot of ways, are like sharks. They can smell fear and panic in the water. Because I clearly knew what I was talking about, they really didn't press me on a lot of issues and kept it very, very simple. Seems counter intuitive, but the better you do, the easier they are.

So, all in all, it was about a good of an experience as it could have been.

Control Freak

2010-04-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

Don't you find it difficult when you have to wait on people to do things for you?

I think it's a matter of control. I've been trying lately to not be so bothered by the fact that sometimes, things are just out of my hands. Maybe I'm a control freak who would be the worst kind of micro-manager, but even the very act of delegating allows a certain degree of control.

I mention this because a lot of things that happen (and will happen) between now and the end of the semester are beyond my control.

I can't control when employers call me.

I can't control when Dr. XYZ gets back to me about this or that assignment.

I can't control what XYZ will ask for my orals exam.

I can't control when and what kind of assignments ABC will give me at work and when and how they want them done.

In general, I'm unsure that I even control 90% of the course of my life. I probably don't and I find it extremely unnerving. One of the first things they teach you at church is that you have to give up a certain degree of control to God and trust that he will lead you down the right path. Sounds good conceptually, but I have to tell ya, It's very hard to do.

Patience is a Virtue.... One I Do Not Have

2010-04-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

I've discovered what the hardest part of the job search process is, not going insane waiting for people to call. It's hurry up and wait philosophy in the worst possible way. You're excited when you send the application in and you think to yourself "this.... this is the job for me."

Time goes by.....

Nothing.

You finally get an interview and say to yourself "I know I'm close on this one. I just know it"

Time goes by.....

Nothing.

Eventually you realize that a few months have passed and you really aren't in any different a position than when you started. It's not so much the case with me, but with a lot of people who are searching for jobs they have, literally, nothing else to do. All you can do is wait and it's excruciating.

I've gone through periods where I have been driving myself nuts just waiting for the phone to ring. Usually when I stop thinking about it, that's when they call. Go figure, eh?

Well, all you can do is wait sometimes.

Jobs blah

2010-03-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

This week I was confronted with the dilemma that anybody who posts their personal journal online faces. How much of yourself do you share? In most cases, this isn't a huge issue because people who regularly read this blog know that I can be a bit moody so my emo or political rants don't really come as a surprise to anybody.

One area, however, where a little more caution needs to be shown is with my job search. There are two reasons for this. One, some of my classmates (i.e. the competition) may read the blog. I post a few of the entries on facebook, so people are aware of it. I don't know if any of them do read it or not, but who knows, right? Not that I mind the competition per-se, I just don't like the discussion. The reason I did or didn't apply for that job is my own and I hate having to justify it, if that makes any sense, which it probably doesn't.

The second reason is that future employers may read it. Yeah, it's a stretch, but I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't post stuff anywhere on the internet and not expect people to see it. You see it happening all the time.

Maybe once things are a little more certain, I'll post more about that subject on the blog.

One Step Back Two Steps Forward

2010-03-20T06:53:00.001-07:00

It's been the story of my life for the past few years, something awful happens, then, almost instantly, something really great follows right behind it, often better than the first thing. It's one step back, but two steps forward.

The most obvious example of this was my cancer diagnosis. About the most awful news a person could hear, right? But from that terrible experience an abundance of awesomeness has sprouted and nearly everything in my life from that point forward has been pushing me in a more positive direction. Because of this, I was kept in town for about 6 months longer than I had originally planned and during that time I solidified my relationships with some really great people, people I would have probably never known that well (and possibly forgotten) had it not been for that extra time. Cancer won't always be in your body, but good relationships can leave a lasting impression.

I mention this because of some new, and interesting, developments in my job search. A few weeks ago I was feeling really bummed because a few of my early prospects had fallen through and I was about out of ideas. On a whim, I checked the website of a place I really wanted to work, one that hadn't been hiring, and saw that they had an opening. That's all I'm going to say right now because it isn't a done deal yet, but everything seems almost too perfect for it not to be meant to be. It really has fit the pattern of my recent life.

It's true, we are all on a path to something and along the way God leaves both opportunities and obstacles and often times, they are one and the same.

Jobs jobs jobs

2010-03-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to think that I've made some bad career choices....

As all of you (or almost all of you) know, I'm a graduate student in economics who is going to have his master's degree in May. That's all fine and dandy, right? Well, maybe not. I'm starting to find that the MA in economics might not be the most marketable degree, especially the way I've gone about it.

Well, let me back up a bit. I think the trouble may not be with the degree per-se, but my concentration. Last year I decided to go with regulatory economics because I was under the impression that the job market was good and that I would be able to find something pretty easily. That is not completely panning out how I had planned. Very few public utilities seem to be hiring for these positions and the ones that I've applied to, so far zilch.

State agencies do seem to be hiring people for jobs, but there are two huge conditions. One, every single one of them is paid for with ARRA (i.e. stimulus) funding and nobody seems to know how long those jobs are going to even exist once they are given. Second, a lot of these jobs are going to require a pretty substantial move on my part and frankly, I don't know if I care enough about regulatory economics to move hundreds and hundreds of miles away for it.

There is a third option, but I'm not sure how this is going to work out. I'll still have an MA in economics and that opens up a few more doors, mostly in research fields. But here's the rub there, because of my focus on regulatory stuff, I've neglected some areas that are pretty important for economic research, namely statistics. So while I certainly have a background to be qualified as an economist, I'm a far from ideal candidate for most jobs.

I see it now, I should have done an MBA, finance, accounting, or at the very least, something with a heaver statistical bend. But then again, I've never been one to make sound choices regarding my future.

There is one ray of light, though. However few the nibbles might be, I have had some. I had two interviews last week. One I was already rejected for, which is ok, because I was only marginally qualified for that job anyway. The other, however, is a very strange thing. On Thursday, I had an interview with a state that won't be named, but it looks like a boot and has a lot of Mormons. The interview went well, but there's a catch, they seem to want somebody right away. They haven't actually rejected me yet, but they even seemed hesitant to wait until Spring Break so I can get up there for an in person interview. If they won't wait two weeks for SB, they won't wait two months for me to finish.

So yeah, such is life.

The Mellowness

2010-03-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to be a different person.

One of the after effects of my illness is, I think, that I'm 1000x's more mellow than I used to be. Anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness was how I was and were large elements of Brian's Grand Pity Party that was such a horrible influence on me during my undergraduate years. I admit, now, that certain things just don't matter as much anymore.

But I'm not completely there yet.

I have a job interview tomorrow, for example, and most of the time I'm feeling just fine about it and am fairly calm, cool and collected. But I admit, there are periods of time where I am royally freaking out. I really don't know why, though. I'm fairly well prepared for whatever questions they ask and if I was meant to have this job, I will.

That, to me, is the key to happiness in this world. Do the best you can do to achieve a certain goal, but beyond that, don't worry about it because God's plans don't always intersect your own.

With Friends Like These....

2010-02-25T08:28:00.000-08:00

I've been stewing over something for a few ~~days~~ weeks now and I wasn't sure if I should write about it or not. It's royally stupid, yet, has been on my mind, so I'll just go ahead and do it.

I feel incredibly insulted. It started when one of my friends made a remark on Facebook about cheap Chinese knock-off jewelry, to which I replied that she should stop being racist towards Chinese people. Funny, right? Eh, maybe not, but not serious.

I sensed that she might have been offended by my lame attempt at humor so I sent her a message on Facebook explaining myself. Seeming like a reasonable thing to do, right? Silence for several days. I sent a text doing the same thing. Still, silence. It's not a huge huge thing, but I don't like the feeling that I've insulted people when I didn't mean to, especially friends.

Flash forward a few days. Still nothing. Then, however, I see a status message written by her complaining of clingy friends. I figured that she couldn't possibly have meant me. Turns out that she did. I don't know, but it seems like Facebook status is a really awful way of dealing with a problem you have with somebody who might actually read it. Am I wrong?

Flash forward a few more days.

We had a chat and I assumed everything was worked out. The next day I found myself deleted from her friends list. She said not to take offense and that she was deleting a lot of people because some people just write too much stuff to read*. As it turns out, though, I was the only one of our 20 or so mutual friends that was deleted. Some of these people write and comment on her status messages just as often as I do.

I felt really singled out. Yeah, it's Facebook and yeah, it is definitely stupid, but I found it very, very insulting. Am I wrong?

* This is an extremely lame excuse. If you think somebody posts too much, you just don't have to read it. But hey, whatever, I let it slide. And now she gets busy commenting on status messages of other people... dang, good thing SHE isn't clingy, eh?

Life in the Slow Lane: Feb., 23rd edition

2010-02-23T08:08:00.000-08:00

I've come to a strange conclusion lately. It seems weird to say, but perhaps getting cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me. Of course it was an unpleasant experience and shifted the direction of my life a bit, but you know what? Everything that has happened as a result of it have been beneficial. The extra time I was forced to spend in Farmington really help me solidify certain relationships that have become very important to me. It also forced me to take a long, hard look at myself and help reevaluate my priorities. Perhaps everybody should deal with some sort of hardship like that and compel them to take a look at themselves.

This Week in T.V

2010-02-20T08:31:00.000-08:00

Lost

The only interesting that happened this week was the appearance of Ben Linus as a teacher in non-Lost world. This throws a slight wrench into the reset story and tells the viewer that everything related to the island got reset, not just the Oceanic flight passengers. Of course, this actually happened last week (remember Clarie's doctor?), I just wasn't paying enough attention to notice.

The Office

There was no new episode this week due to the Olympic ~~Lames~~ Games, but in the case of The Office, that is probably a good thing. The show is really starting to suffer from a dramatic dry well. First there was two companies then there was Jim and Michael as co-managers then Jim became the sole manager and then Michael became the sole manager again and it's just getting to be too much. The problem started when the key tension in the show, Jim and Pam's relationship, was finally settled. Where do you go from there? In the case of this show, you go through a confusing labyrinth of bizarre plot.

Burn Notice

Same as with The Office, this show has hit a bit of a creative wall. Burn Notice, however, has the opposite problem. Where The Office story is developing a bit too fast and haphazardly, Burn Notice is just crawling along. The individual episodes are still interesting, but the overall story arch isn't going anywhere. Primary, season long, characters are coming and going and when there gone, their existence becomes completely unimportant to the rest of the show. Remember The Agency of season 2? Of course you don't because it doesn't even matter anymore and this season would still make perfect sense even if it hadn't existed at all.

Undercover Boss

This last week had a rather interesting episode, the CEO of Hooters. Something very strange is starting to develop with this show and it has left me really starting to question just how the producers of the show are going about picking locations for the boss to go. It couldn't have been just a coincidence that the Hooters boss ended up at the store with the most grotesquely chauvinist boss I've ever seen, the single mom and the Marine. It's very clear to me now that the producers have ulterior motives for where they send the boss, take what could be a unique reality show and turn it into melodramatic tripe.

Ho-hum the boring life

2010-02-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

Ho-hum such is life.

Wake up...

eat breakfast...

go to work/school...

maybe eat again

come home

eat again

watch t.v./move

maybe hang out with friends.

and that's really all there is

Rules of the self-check

2010-02-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

This madness really must stop. Self-check is one of the greatest advances in retail history, but it only works if people don't abuse it. Which, of course, they do. If it were up to me, these would be the rules of the self-check:

1) Large quantities of produce: typically, they don't have bar codes, rather, numeric codes for each individual item. This precludes quick scanning as most people don't know the codes off the top of their heads and have to look them up. Professional checkers, on the other hand, have most of the codes memorized and can type them in quickly and efficiently. Please, for the love of God, if you have a lot of produce, and by this I mean 2 or 3 bags, don't hold up the lines at the self-check.

2) More than 20 items. People, if you have a cart full of groceries (or whatever you are buying), don't go to the self-check. You aren't a good enough scanner to get out of there fast and since you have a large cart, odds are you aren't in any particular hurry anyway. Most stores that have self-checks aren't set up for large quantities. Regular registers, however, have belts, checkers, baggers and sufficient room to get large quantities out quickly. Don't hold up a self-check line because you have a lot of stuff.

3) Older than 60. Let's face it, old people suck at the new technology. I've never seen a person older than this use the self-scan with any degree of accuracy or speed. What typically happens is that they do it wrong, think the problem is the computer, and have to ask for help from the designated self-check employee. That employee, of course, is typically very overworked has about 4 or 5 other people to help first. This further delays the line. To avoid the trouble, old people, just go to the regular checkout line.

4) Alcohol: If you are buying alcohol, be careful with the self-check. Alcohol purchase shouldn't completely exclude you from the self-check, and this more flexible than the 55+ rule, but basically has the same problem, it requires employee assistance to check i.d.'s. This rule is largely dependent on how busy the store is. If you have a small quantity, have your i.d. ready to go, and relatively quiet store, I may let this one slide.

The key thing is to just be aware. By violating these rules, not only do you waste your own time, you waste everybody else's as well. I happen to believe that the self-check was made for people with a small quantity of things who need to get in and out fast, please, don't mess up the order of a store by your ignorance.

Thoughts on Lost ep 1

2010-02-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

The first episode was, as we expected, very dense. My thoughts on episode 1:

1) The parallel story structure was interesting. To me, it could be one of two things: first, it could be an alternate universe story where events are going on simultaneously, one world with the crash, the other as if it never happened. Two, and my prediction, is that we are actually looking at two different time periods. While the setting off of the bomb didn't manage to reboot like they figured it would, things did get reset eventually and they are simply telling the stories at the same time for matters of convenience. It's confusing, yes, but such is Lost. I think it would be cool if they continued this narrative structure through the whole season.

2) About that story structure: I happened to find the scenes on the plane much more interesting than those on the island. After all, we've had 5 whole seasons of island goofiness, right?

* Desmond showed up on the plane, sitting next to Jack, but then disappeared and nobody seemed to have noticed. What significance could this have? He obviously wasn't on the plane when it first crashed (they met him on the island) so he is either there as some sort of spiritual presence or as a Jack vision (both?).

* There was a very small scene in the plane bathroom where Jack appeared to have a small cut on his neck, like shaving size. It seems insignificant, but if it was, I doubt they would have put it in.

* Part of what I'm thinking happens with this story line is that the cast members run into each other in some form on the outside. In a sense, it is already happening:

a) Jack, the spinal surgeon, meets Locke, the guy with the screwed up spine, in baggage claim and gave him his card. Does Jack "fix" Locke by the end of the show?

b) Kate runs into: Sawyer on the elevator (does anybody else think that Sawyer kinda knew Kate was the fugitive the security guards were looking for?) and Claire in the cab as she was running away.

c) An interesting interaction: Hugo, the lucky lottery winner, runs into Sawyer, the con-man. Does Sawyer try to con Hugo?

d) There is also, of course, Jack saving Charlie, sitting next to Desmond for a moment and talking with Rose during the flight.

3) As for the island story, I really have no idea. I get that it is supposed to be some general good vs. evil thing, but they introduced a whole host of new characters and ideas here that might take a good while to flesh out. The most interesting line came from Juliet who said, as Miles interpreted after her "death", that "it worked", assuming the bomb. To me, this lends support to the whole idea that time DOES get reset, just not right away.

But the bottom line is this: it's Lost and who the hell knows?

January Diary

2010-01-31T13:43:00.000-08:00

I used to do this whole month in review thing over on Myspace, but once I realized that it has became the New Delhi slum of the online world, I stopped going regularly. What was once a staple of my online existence is now a mere sideshow. Facebook is considerably better. It looks like ol' Rupert hitched his horse to the wrong wagon when he bought that thing back in 2005.

But I'm getting off track. What I really meant to say was that I used regularly write in my Myspace blog, but since I stopped going there as often, I stopped doing that completely. I just never picked up the month in review thing again. But I figure it's time. I always enjoy writing them even if you don't particularly like reading them.

January has been a rather eventful month. Not only is it a new year, but it is a new decade as well. One of the best things about this last month, I'd say, is that not only did we get best of 2009 lists (which I'm a sucker for), but we also got best of the decade lists. EPIC YAY! Two sets of lists! Ok, maybe that's a stupid thing to get excited about, but screw you, this is my blog.

After a pretty good month back home, I came back to school and am once again trying to get settled back into the ho-hum life. This is supposed to be my final semester before I get my MA, but I keep getting this horrible feeling that something (or someone) is about to royally screw me over and delay my graduation. It probably won't happen and I'm trying to cover my tracks the best I can to prevent it from happening, but the feeling won't go away.

School hasn't really picked up yet and I haven't had a whole lot to do. This could potentially be an easy semester for me. I only have 3 classes and one of them is essentially an undergrad class that the professor told me directly should be easy. I think she underestimates my ability to be confused by international trade.

Going to work has been essentially pointless since I've gotten back into town. A medium stink was raised about me being back a little bit later than I was supposed to, but they've had almost nothing for me to do the whole time. I only work 10 hours a week, but a good quarter of that is spent by me screwing around on Facebook because there is nothing else to do. Sounds fun, but trust me, it gets boring. They had originally told me that I'd be getting 20 hours a week working on some green jobs project, but, naturally, it has been held up by some bureaucratic delays and probably won't be done until the end of February. Nice. I learned that this project was being funded through the stimulus and I suppose it wasn't "shovel ready".

Oh well..... the world still spins.

Quick Thoughts on Conan vs. Jay

2010-01-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

This whole Jay Leno in prime time thing has blown-up in NBC's face hasn't it? Here's my thoughts on the parties involved:

NBC

Pretty much everybody agrees they screwed up royally here. In the first place, I wonder whose bright idea it was to put Jay in prime time EVERY NIGHT anyway? Since when has something like this ever worked? The time slot they put him in is a key slot for drama and by putting him there every night of the week, you take away almost any shot your network has at new, serious drama shows. A much better solution would have been to do it one or two nights a week, but I suspect Jay wanted none of that.

Second, why would NBC even consider giving Jay Leno his old show back? Why would top talent go to the network now considering how willing they are to go back on their deals? NBC is constantly in last place for a reason. They might have lost Leno, but they would have kept their respect. But I figure NBC must be run by morons anyway because only a moron would make a fight between late-night comedians so public. What, exactly, do you think these guys talk about on their shows anyway?

Jay Leno

Oh Jay, what will we do with you? You clearly have the network in the palm of your hands and couldn't give a damn about what happens to Conan O'Brien. What I wonder is why you would even want your old NBC slot back? Who, after a shot at a much bigger stage, wants to admit defeat in such a way and go back to where you know you dominate? I don't blame you entirely. You were put in a bad situation, but your ego and lack of consideration towards your other late-night hosts has been pretty disgusting.

Conan

The real loser in this. Yes, his ratings haven't been that good, but can you blame him? Nobody watches Jay's show, so nobody watches the news, so nobody watches Conan. It's a simple chain. Is he not cut out for that earlier slot? Hard to tell, he was never really given a chance. Jay had years to build his audience, Conan had 7 months. But that said, I think he would do much better on a network like FOX anyway where his edgier brand of comedy would go over better. I will watch for a while simply out of the outrage of injustice being done.

Least Favorite Movies of the Year

2010-01-16T09:50:00.001-08:00

Last week I wrote about my favorites, now here are my least favorites from last year:

G.I. Joe

You may be able to make the argument that this movie was just supposed to be big, stupid, fun, and I was almost there, but in the end, I just couldn't call it that. G.I. Joe was just a little too dopey. And yet again, Hollywood pisses on another one of my beloved childhood institutions.

Let me briefly explain what I call the "Monument Complex". Any movie that has a major world monument, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Sears Tower, Great Pyramids, etc, destroyed, it's in serious trouble. G.I. Joe had the Effiel Tower destroyed, so... yeah.

The Soloist

But I think much more wrath needs to be thrust upon The Soloist than about any other move for the sole reason that it actually tried to be a serious movie. The problem, in fact, is that it tried too hard. There was waaaaaaay too much going on here and tried to be about so many things that it ended up being about nothing. Was it a biopic about Nathaniel Ayers? Steve Lopez? A lament about the fall of the newspaper industry? About homelessness? Drug abuse? Mental illness? It was beyond perplexing. The closing words about homlessness in America was really the tops. Was this supposed to be some sort of infomercial?

Bruno

This one was profoundly disappointing considering that I liked Borat so much. This movie suffered from two flaws: first, the characters come from different places. Yes, Borat was offensive, but that's due to his backward upbringing and comes simply from naivety. He may not know our ways, but he was seemingly good hearted. Bruno, however, coming from a more "modern" society, is just a douche bag with no likable qualities. Second, you can' really do a movie like Borat again. Part of the genius is that it had never been done and exposed American's racial and political attitudes in a unique way. What was left for Bruno to explain? It had all been done.

Antichrist

Just vile trash. It's been months since I've seen it but I still can't get some of the images out of my head.

I have more, but I'll stop there for now....

Random Thoughts for 1/10/2010

2010-01-10T09:45:00.001-08:00

1) I think 2010 is going to be a long year for me typingwise. We are barely 10 days into it, and every time I type the year, I always seem to type 210 before I realize my mistake.

2) I'm impressed that the Cowboys managed to beat the Eagles so convincingly two weeks in a row. I think they can take the Vikings, but my inner pessimist seems to think that they have gone as far as this team is destined to go.

3) I think that sleeping is much easier when you take 3 allergy pills instead of just 2.

4) I think that the Bigelow Sweet Dreams herbal tea is a great product.

5) I've been stalling putting on the finishing touches on my resume. I think that I don't want to accept that this little world of college life that I have been living in for a while is going to change. But I feel determined not to make the same mistakes I made when I graduated from UNM. I'm going to be more ready this time.

6) Leaving Farmington again always gives me mixed emotions. I'm ready to start the grind again, but sad at the people I'm leaving behind.

Favorite Movies of 2009

2010-01-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

The Hurt Locker

What can you say? Cinematic brilliance and one of my two five star candidates of the year*. It took a while, but Iraq movies are really starting to come into their own. I think the genre became much more effective when directors realized that the politics are still really messy and the best way to tell this story is to leave them out completely. The lack of politics and the portrayal of soldiers as actual people, rather than toys being manipulated by politicians, is why The Hurt Locker works and horrible pieces of trash like In the Vally of Elah don't.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Certainly the funniest movie I've seen all year. I wrote:

"This is a damn funny movie. Very intellegent and very qwirky with the natural Wes Anderson flair. The stop motion technique was a great choice and well executed, especially for a directer who doesn't really do that sort of thing."

This is one of those movies that makes me wonder if the fuddy duddies at the Academy will ever catch on and start awarding voice over Oscars. This is my second five star candidate.

A Serious Man

Life's a bitch and then you die. Does anybody say that better than the Coen brothers? Not quite the Fargoesque level of brilliance we've seen in the past, but certainly better than Burn After Reading, which I liked more than most people.

Inglorious Basterds

What I liked most about this one was the pure originality, it's not something that is big in Hollywood these days. I really fascinating alt-history that's much more satisfying than the original. Morally, this is a very complicated movie. The Basterds are war criminals, pure and simple, but because their motives are considered "good", does that somehow make it ok?

Up in the Air

This is the story of our times. Two things stick out in this one: first, the unformulaic happy times ending and second, George Clooney. He was just perfect for this role.

Sin Nombre

The story of an immigrant family trying to reach the United States and the MS 13 members who try to rob them. An interesting look at gang life in central America.

500 Days of Summer

Not breathtakingly original, but a much needed update of one of my all time favorites, Annie Hall. I think the fuzzy chronology is really well done, and presents a much more realistic take of a relationship than something done linearly. This movie contains what I think is the best individual scene I've seen all year, the split screen of how he wishes one of his encounters with Summer went versus how it actually did.

Ok, so about the five star thing: I award really good movies 4.5 stars out of five (that's how facebook does it). To get 5 stars, the movie has to be good on repeated watchings.

2010-01-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

Remorse of the Junk Food Junkie

Every time is the last time.... until it's not. Funny how it is with a junkie and the best example of how irrational human beings can be. We have these habits and addictions and we know they are bad, but we keep doing them not thinking about the consequences until later, when it's often too late.

Same story different week

Yesterday was a pretty crazy food day. Huge breakfast, omelet, pancakes and hash browns, large lunch at the local Chinese feed bag, more than a generous helping of pizza for dinner and a medium sized Blizzard later in the evening. Roughly similar story for yesterday and the day before. I'm almost afraid to do a calorie count and it's probably best that I not. My own version of a hangover, my stomach inevitably hurts the next day. Is it worth it? It must be because I keep doing it again and again and again.

If this was just one unfortunate weekend, I could probably let it slide without comment, but no, this is part of a continuing cycle that happens week after week after week. Granted, yes, it could be worse, alcohol or cocaine, but these weekly food benders and massive quantities of sugar cannot be good for my health and certainly aren't good for my weight. They tend to not be good for my mood either because I always end up feeling weak and lousy the next day. There is a reason my weight jumped from 170 to 230 in three years and it is not entirely due to chemo.

But other than the health consequences, what it symbolizes is actually something much worse, a lack of control. A lack of control over my emotions, and the inability to channel some of my inner turmoil into something less destructive.

I swear, this is the last time...... until next time.

2009-12-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

Good morning blog:

Merry Christmas! Good day so far, but it's only 9 am.

My doctor's appointment went well. I'm still cancer free and the doctor hinted that since it's been nearly a year and a half since my diagnosis and it hasn't returned, I'm close to being in the clear. I saw online that my chance of recurrence is now around 10-20%. Pretty good odds, I'd say. But then again, I figure it was really rare that I would get it to begin with, so you never really know. All I know is that I'm glad it's done with for now and I don't have to even think about it for another 6 months. This time around I was much more nervous than usual. Not sure why that is.

2009-12-22T08:43:00.001-08:00

Good morning blog:

Talk about a contrasting few days. Sunday was not good at all. I woke up in a foul mood because I hadn't slept worth shit all week, my car battery died and Defined Fitness was still busting my chops over this account problem that had been there since May. In the grand scheme, not big things, but it's always the accumulation of little things that can sour your day more than anything.

Monday, however, was good. It was good because I was successful at un-doing all the things that had been wrong on Sunday. I slept great and by some great miracle, the car started on Monday morning with no problems. I made it to the gym and finally got the account straightened out. My car started again on my way to the dealership to get it fixed but actually died while I was waiting in line. Nice, eh? But of all places for a car battery to give out for good, you can't really beat a service center at an auto dealership. I also went and saw Avatar, but I would hardly consider that a highlight.

Today, however, is a big day. I go back to the doctor for my 6 month follow-up. Hoping for the best.

2009-12-20T06:29:00.000-08:00

Good morning blog:

Here we are, Sunday morning, not a damn thing planned and I'm up early. My sleep cycle has gone totally to shit. No matter how late I go to sleep, I'm still up early and I wake up several times during the night.

It could be lifestyle, not working out, drinking too much caffeine, too much stimulation during the day, but that's never been a problem before, especially when I'm at home. Probably hitting the gym more regularly would help, but I just can't seem to relax that much at night. It shouldn't be this way. It really shouldn't.

2009-12-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

In a certain sense, I know how Heath Ledger felt. Before his death he suffered from raging insomnia and anxeity. This, in turn, led to his addiction to perscription drugs, which eventually caused his death. I don't know exactly how he felt, but I know how it feels to have your mind racing a mile a minute all the time. It makes it hard to sleep, hard to relax, hard to keep your nerves steady and frankly, its exhausting. All the troubles of the world latch on to you and linger.

I don't abuse perscription or any other kind of drug, but I cope in other unhealthy ways. My binge eating problem has long been a symptom of some deeper emptiness. I annoy people with my constant neediness. Sometimes I spend all day just seeking human contact to get some sort of approval.

It's not the same as drug abuse, but it's on the same highway. Once you get going in that direction, it's hard to turn back.

2009-12-08T08:54:00.001-08:00

It's an agonizing ritual for me. The semester is over. Finished. Nothing left to do. Yet, I still fight this battle with my mind and it keeps wanting to tell me "surely there is SOMETHING that you could do?" It makes me stop and think, maybe I'm forgetting something? This paranoia gets really irritating.

Thankfully, it goes away after a few days and I'm able to enjoy the free time.

2009-12-08T08:47:00.001-08:00

I meant to upload this a few days ago but forgot:

Ok, I didn't forget. I was just lazy

2009-12-03T18:16:00.001-08:00

You know what grinds my gears? When professors up and change directions for an assignment after you are practically done with it already. This happened to me twice today. One was no problem (but still a 180 degree turn from before) but the other could cause me a bit of trouble. The second one I even had a hand out for which said to this this way but somebody told me that the professor told them to do it a totally different way. Great.

Man I wish this effing semester was over.

2009-12-01T19:49:00.000-08:00

It's definitely that time of year. I feel all desire to live being sucked from my body.

I shouldn't complain. I actually have it fairly easy this time around. I have one exam on Thursday, another is probably going to be cancelled (long story) and I have two projects, one of which is done, the other will be done soon.

2009-11-23T10:47:00.001-08:00

I think everybody has these kinds of friends, those that you love dearly but you just have absolutely nothing to talk about. It could stem from the fact that one (or both) simply holds back so much of their life it's impossible to have anything to discuss other than mindless chatter. It could also stem from the fact that you are just two very different people with little to nothing in common.

It's always a curious position to have friends like these. You get along perfectly well, you may even like being in their company, but there is just nothing to talk about. This is not so much a friendship/relationship (f/r) killer as it is a f/r staller. You can still progress, but only so far, and if some new growth and development doesn't occur, the f/r will eventually deteriorate into bland pleasantries.

I call this stage 2 friendship (more on state 1 later). It's a stage of malaise. It is, however, possible to break free from it, but it depends entirely on the reason the couple is stuck in stage 2 to begin with. If it's from the fact that one or both are simply holding back, then once one or both start to open up, things can progress rapidly. If, however, two people just simply have nothing in common, it's perhaps impossible to break free.

2009-11-12T13:19:00.000-08:00

continuing on...

Evaluating teachers in college requires a bit of a different standard than it does in elementary through high school. In those, simply knowing anything at all about the subject you are teaching makes a big difference. You would think that would be a pre-req. for teaching, but in the schools I went to, it really wasn't. Passion for the material is also not something you can take for granted.

In college, you look at these areas a little differently. In college, your teachers are obviously going to have knowledge of the material. They spend their entire lives studying it and rarely do they teach classes radically outside their area of expertise. Passion for a college instructor is really a different question. Obviously they are passionate about the material to spend so long studying it, but do they share that passion for teaching? The important thing in looking at a good college teacher is: 1) being able to break down his/her immense knowledge and present it in a logical and coherant way to the student and 2) actually give a rat's ass about teaching it and view it as something more than just a chore you have to do in order to work for the university and do what you really want.

Essentially, there has been two, one I expected, the other I added after thinking more about the subject:

Dr. Enomoto: I've had him twice so far in graduate school and he is probably the best professor yet, easily the best in the department. This guy knows basically everything and presents his lectures in a logical and coherent way that each one builds on the other. I've had a lot of terrible teachers since I've been in graduate school, but I've probably learned more in his classes than in the rest combined.

Dr. Berrens: This is the one I added upon further reflection. I didn't care much for his class, nor did I think much of the guy personally, he was kind of a pompous ass, but I actually learned a ton in his class. I forget a good chunk of my classes after I'm done with them, but even when we cover utility theory in graduate school, my life is tons easier since he explained it to me so well.

2009-11-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

The influence of teachers on students can be immense and run the gamut from extremely influential to uninspiring but ultimately harmless to completely turning a student off of the subject.

I've had a countless number of the uninspiring, mediocre breed. Such is the nature of public school, I think. But I also had a few really good teachers mixed in that have really influenced me and my education:

Mr. Hawkins 5th grade: I respected this man simply because he helped me, a mediocre student, better understand the importance of education and with a little application, I could be better than I was. Up until that point I was a solid C average student with nothing particularly remarkable about me. All my teachers up until that point had been in the uninspiring group and generally set low standards for their students, and if you do that, they generally achieve that level. Mr. Hawkins had none of that and he challenged his students in ways that most of them never had been challenged before. I realized that all I needed was simply higher expectations to be better than I was.

Mr. George 12th grade: Pretty long time, eh? I thought as hard as I could to find somebody in middle school to fill the gap but I simply couldn't. Even in most of high school the vast majority of my teachers were really nothing special. Mr. George, however, was different. At Farmington High School, he was a rather well known guy, an unashamed liberal freely expressing his views at a fairly conservative high school in one of New Mexico's great Republican strongholds. He injected his politics into his class frequently, but it wasn't so much about indoctrination as it was simply getting high school kids to think outside their rather narrow world view. I rarely agreed with his views, but I certainly appreciated what he tried to do..

That aside, his most important quality, however, was that he cared about his job and took it seriously. It seems like a trivial point, but it was not at all common in the teacher's I've had through the years. He actually gave lectures and cared if the student understood the material, rather than simply plow through a text book. I took him for an AP class and it was the only one I actually passed.

I'm running a bit long, but I'm going to write a separate entry for influential college professors...

2009-11-12T12:54:00.001-08:00

I had an exam yesterday in micro theory. I had studied hard and knew the material that I, and everybody else in the class, understood was going to be on the test. What I got, however, was something totally different. I bombed, as did most of the class I suspect. I was unhappy with the exam, as was much of the rest of the class.

To me, there is a distinction between a hard exam and an unfair one. On a hard exam, you may specify generally what is going to be on it, but within those bounds make modifications that make the problem more difficult, but something that is still within the range of the test takers ability. This is not what happened here. This was just an unfair exam pure and simple.

What made it unfair was this: the professor said explicitly that the exam was going to cover A, B, and C. What ultimately happened, however, was that it covered D, E, and F. In general, I have no problems with professors testing a wide range of knowledge, but don't say you are going to test on one thing then do something else entirely. THAT is unfair. It would have been much better had he not said anything at all about what was going to be on it.

2009-11-08T16:38:00.000-08:00

Had a pretty good week this week. The big thing that happened was that I turned 25, today in fact. Physically, of course, being 25 is the same as being 24 but psychologically, there is a difference that doesn't exist, in, say between turning 23 and turning 24. When you are 25, you can start (reasonably) viewing the span of your life in terms of a century. 25, a quarter of a century. 24% doesn't really say much, but 25%, ah, that's something you can use!

Milestone birthdays also have a way of putting your life so far into clearer focus. What have you accomplished? More importantly, what have you missed out on? My mind always tends to go to that place. What have I missed out on? It seems like a lot, but thinking in it in this way gives you incentive to move forward. Yes, I've missed out on a lot, but hey, that just gives me more to do and will make the next 25 years all the more impressive.

An early birthday card...

2009-11-04T19:56:00.001-08:00

2009-11-02T16:52:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm.... let's see, helps me protect against H1N1, but gives me diabetes? I'd say it's a wash.

2009-11-01T09:51:00.000-08:00

I haven't been writing much in the blog lately because, frankly, I just haven't had a lot to say. Part of it has been the fact that I've been sick and my mental capacity has been greatly, greatly diminished. We had a group project, in fact, that required some work when I was sick and when I started to come out of it, I realized how horribly we all did on it. That was a week ago and my lungs are just now beginning to be fully recovered and let me do a full cardio workout.

But enough of that....

2009-10-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

Ah fall, a chill enters the air, leaves start to change, you start to see light at the end of the academic tunnel and, unfortunately, THE WHOLE FREAKING ECONOMICS DEPARTMENT AT NMSU GETS SICK! The cold is going around in a bad, bad way. You can almost feel the stench of virus and ill health in the air.

I couldn't avoid it. I too fell prey to the common cold. When I first started to feel sick around Saturday afternoon I dreaded the worst, the flu. Saturday night I was sick as a dog and despite loading up on nyquil, I slept like crap and ended up waking up every hour or so. Same drill on Sunday night. This thing has lingered much longer than I thought it would. Here we are on Wednesday and I'm still sick. I am very much on the upswing though and expect to be 100% by Friday.

2009-10-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

The one year anniversary of the start of this blog is quickly coming up and I went over and read what I wrote then. It has made me take a hard look at the last year and focus in on what has really changed. How much progress have I made? What am I progressing to anyway?

I'm going to be honest, in my undergraduate days I was just pathetic. I was a social misfit and a recluse. I was very unhappy because I think that, by nature, I'm a social person. There could be days like today where I am in a horrible miserable funk until I start talking with people then I feel better. I think this is where my time at Hastings really helped. It doubled my friend count and really helped me come out of my shell in a way that other places haven't.

I also happen to think that my cycle of emotions are different. They can still be pretty wild, that's for sure, but I think they are a bit more steady. Lately something has been starting to creep in that I'd never had before, egotism. Not that that's a good thing necessarily, but it is certainly better than being miserable and depressed all the time. I think I've always had a bit of an arrogant, self-centered streak deep down in me, but lately, it has been showing itself more.

Somewhat related to this, however, is my self-image. As I said, I can have periods of extremely inflated ego, but by and large, I'm still not horribly comfortable with myself. I really, really don't like myself very much most of the time, physically, mentally, in pretty much every way. This is one area where there hasn't been much improvement since I finished chemo and something I know I really need to work on for next year.

2009-10-21T12:56:00.001-07:00

Ah the TSA, God bless them. On second thought, no, don't. THEY SUCK

2009-10-18T18:17:00.000-07:00

I think I realized that junk food is having a very negative effect on my mood. I eat it. I get grumpy. I get depressed. I start bugging my friends via text. It's all a very vicious cycle and it seems to keep repeating itself. Is the taste enough to outweigh all the bad stuff it does to me?

It's like I live in Groundhog Day. I'm good with my diet and working out all week, but come Friday, I pig out and nearly ruin it all. It gets that taste for junk food and sweets in my mouth, then I'm craving it all weekend. They cycle repeats itself over and over and over and over again. So frustrating.

Over the last few years, my sweet tooth has wreaked havoc on my life. Most of my life, I never really had one. I could go months without ever eating candy or ice cream. But, come my sophmore year of college, everything went to hell. A lot of things went bad that year and I'm still dealing w/ the consequences and correct some of the habits I developed. At one point, I was eating 4 pints of ice cream a week, the premium, high calorie kind. I don't do nearly that much now, but I think it's time to take the next step and eliminate the cursed bastion of sugary goodness from my life completely.

2009-10-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

It looks like it's shaping up to be another really busy week coming up. I have a ton of stuff do on Thursday, one assignment of which is totally unnecessary as it should have been given last weekend when I had practically nothing. It's probably better for me, though, to have lots to do rather than little. When I have lots, I get lots done and tend to stay more focused. When I have little to do, NOTHING tends to get done, even the little I have.

Got my econometrics exam back and the grade wasn't bad. He was very, very generous, though, because I didn't really do all that well. I guess I don't really care. I'm just ready to move on from that material anyway. Hopefully I will get my micro theory exam back today, and while I think I did well, you can never tell. I have one more test in this little cycle on Tuesday then I will be test free for a while... yippie.

Things are really starting to kick into high gear with movies this weekend. I have basically two choices, Where the Wild Things are and Law Abiding Citizen. I suppose I COULD go see both, but I don't really want to spend that money. I plan to see Law Abiding Citizen, but should Where the Wild Things Are turn up online, I wouldn't be dissapointed.

Speaking of movies, I finally finished with the "A's" of Roger Ebert's Great Movies list. I would say that about 90% of them I have liked so far, but the "B's" aren't off to a particularly great start. So far, they've been largely 40s-50s flicks, which are ok, but I was never able to get into those quite as easily as I could the later ones. Last night I watched the old Humphrey Bogart movie Beat the Devil, which I HATED. I have a string of Bogart's coming up, so hopefully they will get better.

2009-10-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Heavy month for exams, I had one last week, one this week and one next week. At least it isn't any of that 4 in one day shit like I sometimes had as an undergraduate. One a week is totally managable. Last week it was micro theory, which I feel pretty confident about. You never know for sure, but struggling so much on the homework was a good thing because it forced me to actually, you know, learn stuff, which is good to have on an exam. Econometrics, today, is another story. I think I'll ultimately do fine, but I'm not nearly as confident. I figure I get whatever grade I deserve because I didn't know the material that well. I just sort of memorized stuff. I figure I'm at about my limit for how much math and statistics my poor brain can take. Next week is my regulatory economics test, which I'm not too worried about.

Actually, I guess you could say I'm not really worried about any of them. Even though I don't think I did all that well on econometrics, it's like I don't even really care anymore. I guess that's what graduate school is supposed to be about, not worrying so much about grades and instead focusing on the material. I don't find econometrics horribly relevant and I'm not even sure why I took the advanced level (only the basic is required). I needed another class, but there was probably a better option out there.

The prediction I made a few weeks ago about Mad Men, and the now infamous lawn mower incident isn't coming to pass. I believed that it was going to be a turning point in the season story-arch, which had been non-existent, but in the 3 or 4 episodes since then, they haven't even mentioned it again. I guess it wasn't that important. But at least some sort of arch has developed with Conrad Hilton. I think Don's relationship with Hilton has changed him for the worse. He used to be mr. cool calm and collected but he seems a little more testy lately, almost angry, which was very evident in how he handled Sal's firing.

This last episode also provided an interesting contrast between the characters of Don and Betty Draper. Both were faced with a choice, cheat on their spouse when they are tempted, or don't? Don, naturally, did, but interstingely enough, Betty came to her senses and said "no". I think that adds a dimension to her that I wasn't sure existed.

2009-10-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

I feel the cloud is starting to lift. I'm not quite as grumpy today as I have been for the last few days, but I'm still not sure what's causing it all. Just me and my crazy brain, I guess. I really should be more appreciative of the fact that I'm even alive and not waste so much time wallowing in self-pity.

I have reached one conclusion, though. My weight has stopped going downward and I've been at about 220 for several months now. It's fluctuated up and down, but always comes back to that point, which is where I was when I left Las Cruces last May. My goal is 190, which seems a looooooooong way off.

The problem isn't lack of activity, I'm working out more than ever, but rather my old curse, food. My eating is really a constant battle and one I really need to address if I want to get anywhere. I was crunching some numbers in a spreadsheet and reached a few conclusions:

1) I need about 2298 calories to start losing weight

2) I do a really poor job of distributing my calories throughout the day, eating very little during the day but a whole bunch in the evening. I think it wreaks havoc on my metabolism and stops me from using the energy efficently.

3) My Friday night benders are KILLING me. One really shouldn't eat 3000 calories in about two hours time. Even if I eat good all week, a day like that could wreck it all. I really need to stop that.

4) Most of the time, I was simply unaware of what I was eating and when. It was very enlightening just seeing it in front of my eyes how crazy my eating habits are.

I need to keep better track of these things.

2009-10-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

I'm having a really hard time getting over this Barak Obama winning the Nobel Prize thing. Usually after an outrage I go to the gym, lift and run out my aggression, and come home feeling better, but that hasn't happened this time. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me, it wounded me deeper than most other things.

The Peace prize has always been somewhat political, that I understand. But I don't think I've ever seen it as this overtly political. It's almost as if it has nothing to do with promoting peace anymore, rather, just an "I'm Not George W. Bush" award. That's why he got it, because he is the first non-GWB president. In the last few years, other Bush opponents have gotten it too, Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, Mohamed ElBaradei, but they have at least had SOMETHING vaguely related to peace to make a case on, regardless of how flimsy. Obama has nothing.

It's disgusting to think that, out of all the people who actually risk their lives to promote peace, they deem Barak Obama worthy. Consider the following:

Morgan Tsvangirari, leading of the Zimbabwe opposition, been imprisoned and beaten, risked assassination several times, has not won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Rebiya Kadeer, fighting for Uyghur rights against the Communist Chinese, spent two years in solitary confinement in China.

and..... wait for it....

Ghandi.

Yes, the Nobel Committee deemed Barak Obama, a man even SNL was beginning to tease as a "do nothing President" worth of the Nobel Peace Prize. Un.Freaking.BELIEVABLE

2009-10-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

This commercial really annoys me. The way she says PERSONAL doctor, I mean really, is that the only doctor you ever plan to see? But she is cute though.

Also, I've caught up on season 4 of Dexter and I think it is off to a good start. The story is still evolving, unlike Mad Men where it seems to be simply on auto pilot. To me, John Lithgow is the PERFECT person to play a serial killer. Doesn't something about him just seem, I don't know, off?

2009-10-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

I have an exam tomorrow

I don't want to study

I have a project trying to replicate the Forbes Magazine college rankings

not to mention the fact that I haven't finished the U.S. News ones yet

NM business data also needs to be collected.

All in all it's a fairly slow week, but I'm tired and lacking in motivation.

2009-10-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

Thursday's can be kind of a drag. There's too much on tv to justify putting in a movie, yet, not enough to keep me occupied all night. There's shows I like, but also, plenty horrible crap.

SNL Weekend Update Show: Terrible! Why does this show exist?!? SNL stinks to high heavens these days and not even watchable, either on Saturday or on Thursday

Parks and Recreation: Worse than SNL. A cheap and pathetic Office rip-off. Why doesn't Amy Phoeler just go away already.

The Office: Been a fan for years. Still watch every week, but the show is starting to grow a little stale. Curious to see the manager conflict between Michael and Jim though.

Community: Just started, but I'm interested. I expect good things from this show, so naturally, they will cancel it.

Thoughts on Roman Polanski

2009-09-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

I'm a little annoyed by this whole Roman Polanski thing. The fact that so many people want to let him go isn't a surprise to me, that's what always happens when a celebrity gets caught, but the reasons are just pathetic!

1) He suffered a lot in his life and therefore has paid his dues: I won't deny that he's been through a lot in his life, but give me 10 prisoners in any state pen. and I will find 9 of them that have suffered equally. They have lost mothers, friends, brothers, sisters, whatever and many of them have lived extremely hard lives. Were they let off the hook? Certainly not. Anybody who suggests such a think would be laughed off the stage.

2) The victim has forgiven him and wants to move on: of course she did and of course she does. She had to for her own sanity, much in the same way that families of murder victims often forgive the killers. It's too hard to hold a grudge and easier to forget and move on. That doesn't make it right for society as a whole, however.

3) Suspect timing: ok, I'll concede this one. I don't really understand why they decided to proceed with this now. Polanski has been moving around Europe for 30 years now and it seems highly unlikely that this is the first time they knew where he was going. Hell, it wasn't even the first time he went to Switzerland. L.A. County is cash strapped, so it is a bit of a mystery why they would decide to go after him now.

4) Suspect prosecution: honestly, I don't know much about what went on at his trial. I only casually watched the Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired documentary, but I don't know that that should even matter at this stage. Many people in the system have had suspect prosecution and/or defense. Some get exonerated, some don't, but they all go through the proper channels within the system. Just because he is a great director doesn't mean he should get a free pass.

My overarching point is this: all of the reasons why Polanski should be freed could apply to almost any convict that they would never dream of letting go. But he is different, he directed Chinatown, after all.

Ultimately, I seriously doubt anything will happen to Polanski at this point. Somebody will step in and let him go free. I hate the idea, though. A guy commits a horrible crime, runs away to Europe like a little girl, then, because he's made a few good movies, gets a Get Out of Jail Free Card. Ah, what a country.

2009-09-28T18:11:00.001-07:00

Mad Men thoughts:

* Don Draper's attitude towards is beyond confusing. It seems as if he is completely ambivalent towards the man who can take his career to a whole new level.

* It looks like the story is finally starting to go somewhere. It's about freaking TIME!

* Surprised to hear absolutely nothing about lawnmower-toe incident that happened last week. It seems like that would be a major event, but it was as if it never happened.

Sunday September 27

2009-09-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

I'm still fighting with finding the right template here in Blogger. I've always had this problem with Blogger, their choice of templates SUCK, but I'm having a hard time leaving one of my precious Google products behind. It will be ok, it's just a matter of finding the right one.

I saw Annie Hall for the first time last night and I can't believe I hadn't seen it sooner. It's one of the greatest movies I think I have ever seen. It's actually funny. Comedies are hard for me because I have a very narrow sense of humor, but this one got me in the right way.

My favorite scene is the one where they are standing in line at the movie and in front of a guy who is, rather negatively, discussing the works of Fredrico Felini and Marshall McLuhan. After a while, Allen leaves the line and talks directly into the camera causing the guy behind him to do the same in his defense. The brilliant part is when Allen pulls McLuhan himself out from behind a poster to settle the issue. Brilliant.

Friday September 25

2009-09-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

Super productive day today. I got both econometrics and most of my micro homework finished. I will work on the rest tomorrow as well as my water regulation homework, which is going to be a bit of a bitch.

I contemplated not going to the gym this morning, just getting up, coming here, and getting things done, but I was up super early today, 5:30, so I decided to just go ahead and go to the gym. I had never worked out at 6ish in the morning before, so it was kind of a strange experience. I almost never workout when it is dark out, morning or evening, so it all had a different feel. I figured I was going to be dragging ass in there today, but not really. I was pretty sharp.

Eh, who cares.

Tuesday September 22

2009-09-22T12:39:00.001-07:00

A few random things today:

First, the Emmy's. When will this humping of 30 Rock end? The show is awful and not even in the same stratosphere as funny. The Academy's love for this show is pure and simple vanity, it is a somewhat popular show that is about them, so they eat it up. Pathetic. But I always thought the comedy awards were a joke anyway (no pun intended), so I guess it doesn't matter.

I thought Outstanding Drama was fiercely competitive this year. I think all the shows were equally worthy, but I was hoping that Breaking Bad would sneak in there a beat out Mad Men. It was not to be, though. On the flip side, though, I was hoping John Hamm (Mad Men) would beat Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) for best drama actor. Would somebody please give John Hamm an Emmy already! I was thrilled to see Cranston win last year and he was certainly worth this year, but comon already.

I was also not surprised to see Dexter get shut out again this year. Great show, but maybe just a tad too edgy for a major stage just yet. Maybe next year.

-----

One more quick note on Mad Men season 3. I was thinking about this the other day and, as of yet, a season story arch hasn't really developed yet. Basically, just a bunch of random things have been happening that don't really impact the story as a whole. This week, however, was a pretty amazing episode and one I think COULD be the start of this season's arch.

First, there is Don's meeting w/ Conrad Hilton. People saw this one coming when they first met each other a few weeks back and the then strange person mentioned San Antonio, NM, but not it has finally come to pass. What is going to happen w/ this relationship? A deal like Hilton could be huge for a place like Sterling-Cooper.

Second, there was the incident with the foot and the lawnmower. A British executive from Sterling-Cooper's corporate ownership had part of his foot cut off in a drunken office party involving a lawnmower IN THE OFFICE. Corporate had a particular, and not very interesting, re-structuring plan for Sterling-Cooper, but now needed to "re-evaluate". That's never good.

-----

I missed about half of the season of House last year because of a change in my school schedule, which made me sad, because I guess I missed a lot. No matter. I'm starting this season anew and don't foresee any interruptions. The 2 hour season premiere was interesting to say the least. You always kinda thought House belong in a crazy ward but you never 1) actually thought he would get put there and 2) actually co-operate to get out. Part of the charm of House is his misanthropy and if he really is changing his attitude, as the first episode suggests, it could be an entirely different show. Perhaps one that isn't as good. The show is in its 6th season, though, and you have to figure it won't be on much longer anyway.

Cineacation # 3 Ace in the Hole and After Dark My Sweet

2009-09-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

After several name changes, I decided to go with Cinemacation as the title for my series on Roger Ebert's Great Movies list.

Ace In the Hole

A story about corrupt journalism and a public who eats it up, Ace in the Hole is an indictment of everybody. Part of the movie's problem when it first came out was that the critics found it a bit too far fetched. I can't help but wonder, though, if it would get that same knock were it to come out today. Corrupt yes, but does it really seem THAT far off, especially considering the low esteem journalists are held in these days? The story is still relevant 50+ years later.

After Dark My Sweet

This whole movie I couldn't help but think that Jason Patric looks like Dennis Miller. That aside, though, his character, Collie, was amazingly complex. Was he crazy? Was he stupid? Was he both? It's hard to say. He spent the whole movie claiming he wasn't, but you have to wonder. In the first place, he'd have to be stupid to agree to a role in a rich kid kidnapping scheme (not sure where the film took place, but it definitely was NOT Juarez) to begin with. On the other hand, he was always two steps ahead of the other schemers and almost made the whole thing work. A very subtle performance by Patric and was very well done.

Thursday September 17

2009-09-17T13:04:00.001-07:00

I have had a reasonably easy week. Some classes got cancelled, which gave me more time to work on the classes that weren't.

A somewhat annoying issue, though, is the fact that I still haven't been able to sleep particularly well. No matter what I take, 10mg of melatonin yesterday, it is still hard to fall asleep. My body is tired, exhausted, in fact, but my brain just won't quit. Part of it, I'm sure, is the fact that people have been calling me and sending me text messages later than usual. Last night, for example, right as my head hit the pillow, one of my brother's called me. Nice.

It could be stress, but I honestly don't feel particularly stressed. Yeah, I have a lot to do, but I think I have a good handle on things and am managing my time well. I don't have anything terribly pressing coming up either. I don't know what it is. Probably just overstimulation.

In other news, tonight is a big night for t.v., The Office seasons premiere is tonight and a new show that I'm curious about, Community, comes on as well. The thing about The Office, though, is that it is on the downward slide of its run. I thought last season was AWFUL. That whole thing with the Michael Scott Paper Company I thought was very annoying and gimmicky. Of course it wasn't going to last, so what was the point of it to begin with?

Tuesday September 15

2009-09-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning in a royally terrible mood. I didn't get a text message all day, but suddenly, at 11:30, when I'm trying to sleep, everybody has something to say. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter, not like I was sleeping anyway. My body was tired, but I think my brain was a little overstimulated and refused to shut-down. That happens from time to time. Damned Facebook will be the death of me.

But I also got caught in that dangerous self-pity web that I've been doing a somewhat better job of staying out of, but not entirely. I get so obsessed with thinking about things that I don't have, I forget to appreciate what I do. I forget that trying to dramatically alter myself and my personality is a losing battle. This isn't the movies, you can't really change who you are. Little things here and there, maybe, but ultimately it's all about acceptance. The truly successful people aren't those who are perfect, rather, those in who believe in themselves and have confidence, despite their flaws.

----------

NFL week 1 was bitter sweet. The Cowboys won, and played pretty well in the process. I have hopes for this team. I think they are in a better position this year because: 1) they got rid of some of the fluff (I'm looking at you T.O.) and 2) they went relatively unnoticed this off-season. The last two seasons they have suffered from the terrible curse of high expectations. When you build a team up so much, odds are they will disappoint. A large percentage of the best teams the last few years have been those that have gone under the radar (think Arizona Cardinals). Two promising developments.

On the other hand, however, my fantasy team stunk it up. To be fair, in both leagues I was going against the guy (same guy, actually), who got lucky enough to draft Adrian Peterson, who is nothing short of a fantasy machine. But generally, my teams just stunk it up. Part of it was my fault, I made some ill advised line-up decisions in WR area, but other parts were just crappy play, most notably by my quarterback Kurt Warner. Quarterbacks have been the bane of my fantasy existence the last few years and so far, it looks like history is repeating itself once again. Kurt is my ol' reliable, though, so I'm hoping he will pull through. If not, I got a hungry Trent Edwards waiting in reserve.

Saturday September 12

2009-09-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

I've always been a big eater, but my problem with binge eating started in the Fall of 2005. It was my sophmore year at NMSU, I was living in the student apartments (i.e. not the dorm, but still on campus).

Something about that year was different from before. I seemed more detached and more alone. I think my freshman year was still an adjustment time, and I lived in the dorms where there was always something going on. My sophmore year, however, I was away from everything (literally, at the very edge of campus), as adjusted as I would ever be to college, and very very alone. I filled the void with food. I was beyond miserable and unhappy that whole year and I started to gain weight with my binge eating.

The next year was my first at UNM and I naturally thought that a new environment would help. As I learned, however, you can't run away from your problems. If you don't actually address them, they will simply follow you, which mine did. My first year at UNM was probably my worst year for binge eating. Most weekends I would eat about 4 pints of ice cream (2 on Friday and 2 on Saturday), a whole pizza, and whatever else I could get my hands on. We are talking 3,000 calories in one little sitting. It would always make me sick and I'd tell myself that this was the last time, but of course it wasn't. This first year was also a problem because I was no longer working out. So not only was I eating a ton, but I wasn't getting the exercize to help control my mood. Naturally, I gained weight faster.

My second year at UNM was much better. I started working out again and some of my self-destructive behavior was mitigated by the fact that I now had a roomate. It's amazing what kind of stuff you won't do when you know somebody else is watching. But the problem really didn't go away, though, because my roomate was frequently gone and when he was, I'd fall right back into my self-destructive behavior.

I'll address the weight issue in a seperate entry, but that's of course part of the story.

Where am I now? I would say that I'm 100x's better than I was when I first left NMSU and my first year at UNM. I still have the urge to binge eat every week, but I'm better at controlling it. It's similar to alcoholism, you just have to attack it one day at a time.

You Know What Grinds My Gears?

2009-09-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

Wal-Mart has this commercial in which a somewhat cute looking Italian (or some kind of Spanish) chick is talking about how Wal-Mart has recently lowered the fees on their check cashing service to 3$ and how those savings, calculated to be about 200$/year by her rather dorkish looking husband, could be used to buy goodies such as an LCD t.v. I find this commercial profoundly annoying as it promotes the very essence of fiscal irresponsibility.

First, it implies that the best thing to do with a check is to cash it right away instead of putting it in a bank and saving it. I know out of necessity some poorer people do have to do this, but the family in this commercial seems very middle class. What about savings? Hmmm? Nah, screw that. Spend all the money you save at Wal-Mart on stupid things such as LCD t.v's! What well-off or upper middle class person cashes checks at Wal-Mart anyway when you can do it for free at a bank?

Second, what they suggest buying with the money you save on their check cashing service, is an LCD t.v. In the first place, I'm not sure how you can buy an LCD t.v. off of a 200$/year saving unless you finance it (which is a whole other issue) and second, is an LCD t.v. something you should really be buying when you don't have a bank account and/or saving? Seriously people. Who buys an LCD t.v. in that scenario?

I know I'm reading way too much into this commercial, but it annoys me more every time I see it. They stopped airing it for a while but have recently starting again.

Thursday September 10

2009-09-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

Really, really busy the last few days and I haven't been quite as on top of things as I normally am. My Netflix deliveries have hit a bit of a snag, which I think is a blessing in disguise because otherwise I would have never had the extra motivation needed to get my backlog of work done. I'm just about caught up now, though.

I spent the last two nights doing homework. Nights! Doing homework! I haven't had to do homework in the evening for going on a few years now and I have to say that I don't like it. I'm doing school stuff all day and the last thing I want is more school when I get home. There's just no other way to cram it all in, though. Just busy busy busy.

Note to self: don't discuss algebra problems with ag. econ graduate students. They can do them much better than traditional econ grad students and are considerably more smug about it. I'll take my advice from the engineering major who agreed with me that the equation we had to solve was a total bitch. Yeah. That makes me feel better for not being able to solve it.

Tuesday September 8

2009-09-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

Really really dragging ass today. It's not even 9 yet, so hopefully I will come to life, but the day is not off to a promising start.

I came to campus a bit early today, but I don't really know why. Mostly I use this time to clear a bit of the homework backlog, but I can't really do that now. I don't quite have everything done, yet, I'm sort of stuck at this point where I just can't do the rest of it. It's not a mental block or a matter of motivation, I've just reached the limits of what I know how to do. This keeps happening and it is really becoming bothersome. But I guess that is what graduate school is for, right, pushing through and giving things the "old college try"?

I finally got around to watching Casino Royale last night, the first 007 movie with Daniel Craig. I was unimpressed with how it started. I thought, "aw crap, another mindless action flick", but it actually got a lot better as it went a long. It was really a very interesting interpretation of the Bond character. We tend to think of 007 as this rather cold super agent unencumbered by emotion, but in Casino Royale, he's really just a big sap. Hard to imagine a past Bond character who almost gets killed by a woman he was in love with (not just a woman he wanted to make love to). I suspect this was how a real Bond would be.

And Daniel Craig is just plain ripped...

Cinemacation #2 Aguirre, the Wrath of God

2009-09-07T09:45:00.001-07:00

I admit, I wasn't nearly as impressed with this movie as Roger Ebert was. He writes:

Werner Herzog's “Aguirre, the Wrath of God'' (1973) is one of the great haunting visions of the cinema. It tells the story of the doomed expedition of the conquistador Gonzalo Pizarro, who in 1560 and 1561 led a body of men into the Peruvian rain forest, lured by stories of the lost city. The opening shot is a striking image: A long line of men snakes its way down a steep path to a valley far below, while clouds of mist obscure the peaks. These men wear steel helmets and breastplates, and carry their women in enclosed sedan-chairs. They are dressed for a court pageant, not for the jungle.

The music sets the tone. It is haunting, ecclesiastical, human and yet something else...

Something else indeed. The music was one of the things that struck me as interesting about this film. It is similar to 2001: A Space Odyssey in the sense that the music you would expect for a certain shot is not what you got. This was particularly interesting when somebody was killed. There was something very non-chelant about it. No change in music to indicate that something interesting was even happening. He was there then *poof* he wasn't. There is something that struck me as very real and haunting.

The one point where we disagree is Klaus Kinski's portrayal of Aguirre. Ebert portrays it as something magical, but I just thought it was strange. I still don't understand why he was hunched over all the time. Did Aguirre have back problems?

From what I read, though, the making of this film has become legendary. The setting, for one, has a lot of steep hills and fast rivers making filming difficult on a limited budget. Also, Kinski's was a royal douche. Actors throw a lot of tantrums, but to throw some that have been legendary in Hollywood? That is saying something.

Monday September 7th

2009-09-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know why the paragraphs on this blog come out so goofy so often. I guess it doesn't really matter, but hey, aesthetics are important, right?

Anyway, it's Labor Day. One of the things that I've been thinking about for the last few days is how this Labor Day compares to last year. This one has barely started, but I feel quite confident in saying that this year is going to be considerably better. Labor Day 2008 I was at San Juan Regional Medical Center getting chemo. My second round. I remember that particular treatment well because I didn't usually get my treatments there, but had to because of the holiday. I was reading Andrew Jackson's biography, ironically, a book I quit reading only got around to finishing this summer. I was fighting the fatigue really, really hard towards the end, but I actually liked getting treatment there because they were more willing to mix some of my drugs and get me done faster.

It feels like I've written this entry 3 or 4 times already, but it is an issue that keeps coming up, how important are grades in graduate school? I wonder because I struggled on some work this weekend and it took up way more mental energy than I feel it should. Intellectually, I know that they aren't as important as they are when you are an undergraduate, but I have a really obnoxious perfectionist streak in me and it rears its ugly head when I hit a difficult spot with my work. It eventually passes, as it has, but I need to condition myself out of this mind set. Grades have been my path to approval and given me my sense of self-worth and that's a very unhealthy attitude.

Cinematic Exploration #1 12 Angry Men

2009-09-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

12 Angry Men works because of a key irony. Herny Fonda's character, juror 8, is sure, sure that he is unsure, which is important in a capital murder case. And with his confidence and cool temperament, despite the hot temperatures outside and the rising tempers inside, eventually persuades the other 11 members of the jury to become unsure as well.

The movie starts out as a murder case goes to the jury. The initial vote is amazingly lopsided, 11 guilty to 1 nonguilty. At the first hashing of the evidence, it seems incredible that juror number 8, the lone no, could possibly vote that way and at first, his reasoning is uninspiring. He simply isn't sure. No real explanation and leaves the viewer asking "is he crazy?" Throughout the course of the movie, however, the viewer takes the same evolution as the rest of the 11. One by one the initially rock solid evidence begins to break apart. The switchblade. The L-train. The lady without her glasses. All reliable at first, yet, with a little bit of scrutiny become flimsy.

As the evidence falls apart, so does the confidence of the rest of the jury. By the end, it has all come full circle and there is once again one lone dissenter, this time, the one guilty vote and after a painful self-realization, he changes too. One man, unwavering and confident has ruled the day and saved the life of a (likely) innocent kid.

Rather simply and boringly shot (in black and white despite the availability of color), there is one subtle camera trick that had an interesting impact. As the movie progresses, due the the use of different lenses and camera angels, the jury room slowly gets smaller and smaller. The noose tightens as the tempers flair. Excellent and creative way to add tension.

Thursday September 3

2009-09-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

Finally, I'm starting to make some progress in this joint. The last few entries I've been bemoaning (to put it nicely, more accurately would be bitching) about my job and how I've basically just been doing busy work for the last two days. That changed yesterday. It started out like a normal, waste of time day until I got some much clearer instructions as to what I'm supposed to be doing. Basically, I'm trying to replicate the US News & World Report college rankings using their data and their formulas. The trick, however, is that US News doesn't release ALL the data. Some of it we have to get from other sources.

I went over their methodology and it's surprisingly involved, with lots of formulas and z-score calculations. I think it is doable, but on only a 10hr/week schedule, I will need to make the most out of my time with it.

I didn't mention this before, but I feel that, as an aspiring movie buff, my historical knowledge of film is, well, pathetic. So I decided to undertake a project to educate myself on the history of film. I'm starting with Roger Ebert's great movies list, about 100 or so important movies, then I might (stress might) dip into the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die List, but that's a ways down the road.

Today is going to be a bitch. 4 classes in one day. I'm usually pretty brain dead by the end of it and pretty much good for nothing the whole rest of the night. But oh well, Thursday is my last serious day of the week anyway, with the rest of the days left to just clean up what I didn't do before.

Cheers!

Tuesday Sept. 1

2009-09-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to write much in here for the last few days because I've been so craptacularly busy. Look at me, I'm a big, bad, graduate student now huh? The problem isn't so much school, rather, this job in the policy analysis center. It's a time suck to a degree I wouldn't have imagined before. I basically do nothing of importance for 10 hours a week. There's so much more I could be doing with that time. I keep hoping that eventually they will have me doing something a bit more involved than data entry, but so far, that's the best I've got.

I'm having more school frustrations, but really, it's the same old crap from the same old people. No biggie. Funny how nobody can seem to get a website fully operational when they say they will. But, I do have a new frustration that is quickly making it's way up to the top of my list: parking. In the past, parking was the huge advantage NMSU had over UNM. You could always find a spot in a good area. This year, however, the parking situation has totally turned to shit around here. Some mornings I'm on campus before 8 and I still can't get a desired spot. When I come around noon on work days, forget about it. I might as well bring my hiking boots and tent (if I had those things, that is)!

The problem is that they are letting the school get too big, bigger than it can handle. I was disgusted when I read the reports about dorms being overcrowded. That should NEVER happen. Both dorm population, parking, and school admissions are completely controllable. How about some standards about who gets in here, rather than any shlub who can open the door?

Ah well, I can dream... I've decided that I've wasted way too much energy in my life being frustrated with this stuff. It's exhausting and not worth it anymore.

I meant to comment on Mad Men yesterday. I read an article in the NYT that summarizes where this season is going well. It says:

Is it just me or is “Mad Men” slowly
turning into “The Sopranos”? No, the men and women of Sterling Cooper aren’t
violently offing each other or hanging out in seedy New Jersey strip clubs.
(Though an illicit visit to the office roof was almost made this week.) But
increasingly, Matthew Weiner, a former “Sopranos” producer, and his “Mad Men”
writing staff seem to be so enamored with their characters that they are content
to assemble them in potentially interesting settings, let the cameras linger on
them and hope that an interesting scene emerges.

Basically, there is no arch emerging for this season so far and it's true, there isn't. A few things here and there that may portend to things to come, but so far, nothing is really happening. That was my complaint about season 2 of Burn Notice and Mad Men is doing the same thing. Yeah yeah, I know it's a character driven drama, but comon, it still needs to have some sort of story arch.

More on this later...

Thursday August 27

2009-08-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

I wasn't entirely sure I'd have time to write here today, my Thursday's are jam packed. I have 4 classes and not a lot of time in-between. I'm done by 4:30, but I'm usually so brain dead by that time I usually just go home and fall into a semi-coma while watching Dexter. Good times.

Lately, though, my Monday's and Wednesday's have been pretty tedious too. At work on Monday I just did data entry and on Wednesday, I finished the data entry, but they didn't really have anything else for me, so they told me to read up on some of the studies the analysis center I work at does... i.e. busy work. I guess busy work is better than super hard work, but I couldn't help but get the notion that the time could have been better spent. I don't go back until Monday, though, so hopefully they will have something for me by then. One study, though, about the NM film industry was pretty interesting and I will have more to say on that one later.

Schoolwise, things are certainly starting to pick up. I have a micro theory homework assignment that has been looming over my head for a few days now, but I'm just now starting to get to it. It took me a few days to accurately remember my calculus and even then I'm not totally sure. Today, I was given an Excel assignment that is due the same day as the micro. I think I need to buy a copy of Excel. Two policies are conflicting here though: one is to stay away from Microsoft as much as possible, but the second is to stay away from campus as much as possible. Yes, the Open Office spreadsheet function is free, but it isn't nearly as good as Excel and doesn't do the math functions in quite the same way. I'm all about efficiency this semester, so I think I need to just buckle down and buy it. Hopefully somebody has it as a stand alone so I don't have to shell out hundreds of bucks for the whole Office program.

Tuesday August 25

2009-08-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm really in the thick of it now. I started my new job yesterday, I only work 10 hours a week from 12-5 on Monday and Wednesday, but with my school schedule, that's plenty. I wasn't sure what I was going to be doing when I walked in and when I walked out yesterday, I still couldn't say with certainty what it is I'm actually doing. Yesterday I was just doing data entry for the whole 5 hours. I know, it sounds glamorous, but it was actually quite tedious. Not as bad as scan-pulls at Hastings though, those are tedious beyond compare. From what I could deduce, I'm sort of a free agent, they don't really have me working on any one particular project, rather, just random things from various projects that are already going on. Yeah, I'm moving up in the world.

I was, however, somewhat impressed with myself on the way in this morning. The last few mornings, the freeway has been an absolute bitch, especially the exit that goes to the university. Traffic on the school roads has been terrible too, mostly because of those damn pedestrians who don't like to watch where they are going. I don't recall such a problem last semester and it almost made me late on Thursday. Today, however, I was smarter than the traffic and took all the back roads to get where I needed to go. That is a certain advantage NMSU has over UNM, there are about 4 ways to get anywhere you need to go and if you are smart, you can get places without too much trouble. My commute in wasn't quite an epic success, because I would have liked to have been able to park closer, but I'm not one to complain about NMSU parking, it's a freaking delight compared to UNM.

As I mentioned, my first class got cancelled today which really helps me out a lot, 3 classes as opposed to 4 makes a huge difference.

Monday August 24

2009-08-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

When I was on the elliptical runner this morning I happened to catch a quick diet segment where they were discussing the Time article I mentioned a week or so ago that so thoroughly annoyed me, the one that said it might be a myth that exercise is important in weight loss. My contention was, due to the lack of any discussion on metabolism, the article was crap. Thankfully, the Today show contributors seemed to agree with me for the reasons that I stated. Not much, but I would be lying if I said I didn't get at least a little bit of smug satisfaction out of it. They also mentioned something else, something that I already knew but needed to hear again, diet soda could wreck a diet and throw off your appetite. My consumption of diet soda (in all it's variations) has increased exponentially over the last few years, so has my sweet tooth. Obviously they are related and it is definitely something worth thinking about more.

Had a pretty decent weekend, did something that I've never done before and always used to make fun of my brother for doing years ago, went to the movie solo. I wanted to see Inglorious Basterds, but my usual movie partners are hundreds of miles away, so I really had no other options. I wouldn't say it was a bad experience. I've always thought that movies were bad social outings anyway simply because you sit in a dark room and can't talk to each other, but it still never felt quite right being there alone, even if there were other solos. Its something I can get used to and I might make more of a habit of it... or I might not... we'll see how it goes. I've decided to stop making these grand pronouncements about how my life is going to be from now on. I need to learn to take things from moment to moment.

Episode 2 (season 3) of Mad Men last night wasn't a particularly interesting one, rather, I think it was a set-up episode for things that will happen in the future. Two key events: one the date of Roger Sterling's daughter's wedding was revealed to be November 23. I noticed the date and thought it was a bit odd, but the significance didn't hit me until I read about it later, November 23rd is the day that Kennedy was assassinated. That is obviously going to be the key historical event this season and a really, really BAD day to get married.

The second event was the last scene of the episode where the Draper family was at Sally's field day. Would almost seem like a throw away scene, but Don was staring awfully hard at the teacher with somewhat hippyish looks... and feeling around in the grass. I suspect California is on his mind again. Who knows where that will lead.

First day at my job today. I will report back on that later.

Saturday August 22

2009-08-22T08:44:00.001-07:00

I did something novel yesterday, an evening workout. I went to the gym at about 7 and as far as I can remember, I have never gone that late before. 5ish maybe, but never 7. I actually had a pretty good workout, which was amazing since I usually don't when I go at times that are out of the ordinary. This was spur of the moment decision that I made when I decided I didn't want to sit at home and feel pathetic on Friday night. Granted, it isn't a GREAT way to spend my Friday night, but its something, right? Right?

A few weeks ago I bought the Firefly series and now that I'm almost done with it, I can say with honesty that it is a fucking crime what they did to that show! Some episodes were just alright, but others were near-brilliant. "Out of Gas", for example, is how a tv show should be done. It's a damn damn shame.

Friday August 21

2009-08-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should say a few words about the first day of school: to sum it up, I would say it was alright. Not great, but not terrible.

The day started off kind of strange. I made a complete and total time miscalculation and was very nearly late to class the first day. I didn't quite anticipate the line of traffic being backed up from the school all the way to the off-ramp. Good thing I know the back ways and exactly where I was going or I would have been really, really late. I should have known better, but hey, sometimes I'm not as smart as I pretend to be.

Of course it ultimately didn't matter, the professor was late himself, which knowing what I know about this guy, didn't surprise me at all. Just another day at the NMSU grad school, right? After going to all the classes, though, I concluded 3 things:

first: only one of my classes should involve a serious amount of work. This is good because my schedule is going to be a little more pressed as it is, but I still think it's going to get fairly busy due simply to the fact that I have 4 classes this semester and a job.

two: probably won't know for sure if I made the right decision about switching concentrations until the end of the semester, at which point, it will probably be too late. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.

three: still haven't been able to get an accurate read on my classmates. I don't know if they think I'm some joke weirdo or.... uh.... something better? I don't know. Maybe I will never know.

Thursday August 20

2009-08-20T05:41:00.000-07:00

Some people just never learn from their mistakes and by some people, I mean Congressional Democrats. Rich Lowry said it on Fox yesterday and I totally agree, they are making the same mistake with health care that they made several years ago with Clinton's plan, ramming too much too quickly down the throats of Americans. Different tactically yes, but the same basic problem.

What is this fascination some people have with trying to change the world over night? One of America's finest qualities, I think, is that it doesn't respond well to rapid change. Slow, steady change is the way to go, and make it much more likely to stick long-term . What they should have done, and what I mistakenly thought they were going to do, is do a health care overhaul piece by piece and before people realize, bang, socialized medicine. But I think I give those morons in Congress too much credit. I used to think that it took some sort of special intelligence to be a high ranking official with our government, but now I realize that the truly smart people stay out of that business completely.

Like they say, politics is Hollywood for ugly people.

But enough of that, more practically, I start school here in a few hours. I only have class on Tuesday and Thursday, 4 classes each day, and I'm starting to think that it might be a mistake to try and cram so much into one day. Not that I had that much choice, mind you, but I probably could have found a way around it.

A nice thing about it, though, is that it gives me a good, solid, block of time for my new job, which I got the run down on yesterday. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to be doing, but it's in the policy analysis center, so I assume I'm going to be doing..... uh...... policy analysis? I met my boss (although I use the term loosely, he looks to be about 26 haha) and set my schedule and now everything seems to be rolling.

I think part of the reason I was in such a pissy mood the other night was the uncertainty of the new semester. See what a little bit of anxiety does to me? But now that things are a bit more clear, I feel pumped, primed and ready to take on the world.

Tuesday August 18 part II

2009-08-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

Fall 2009.... The List

1) Clean up this fucking disgrace of an apartment

2) Get my fat ass to lose some weight... a goal of sub-200 by the end of the semester

3) A new wardrobe... I fucking hate everything I own

4) Cut soda consumption in half.... my teeth are stained and eventhough it's mostly diet, I don't think that much can be good for me

5) Read two books a month

6) Send fewer bitchy emo texts to people about how pathetic I am

Tuesday August 18

2009-08-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

Been longer than I thought since I've written in here. I should stop trying to force it and just do it whenever I feel like, but I always feel the need to have some sort of consistent schedule when writing in the blog.

Anyway, a busy few days:

The big news, first of all, is that I'm back in Las Cruces to start the new semester. I had a fairly easy trip down and stopped in Albuquerque for a few hours and saw an old friend of mine from UNM that I haven't seen in years. Our relationship was almost becoming a joke in that we text each other almost every day, yet, never saw each other, even when we lived in the same town. Such is the nature of 21st century friendship, I guess.

My last few days in Farmington were fairly eventful, seeing people and whatnot. We had a minor crisis on Sunday morning when we realized the basement had some water damage. This is probably the 4th or 5th flood we've had down there and having to haul some water damaged stuff out to the dump was not quite how I wanted to spend my last day in Farmington, but I guess it's better than being a lazy bum.... which I did on Saturday. My mom took the whole thing less than heroically, but that is her nature. The flood combined with one of my brothers leaving for the first time caused nearly a full-scale nervous breakdown, although the rest of us suspect that my brother leaving played a much larger part. She'll be ok though.... I hope anyway.

Friday August 14

2009-08-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

Had a pretty fun day yesterday. Hastings was chosen (right word?) to work the concession stand for the local bigtimeevent baseball game last night and I was volunteered by the store manager to work in it. I've worked in a concession stand before. No big deal there. It was kind of fun to work with my co-workers in a different setting. I could have, however, done without the snootiness of the regular workers who mocked my inability to know the price of frito pies off the top of my head. I'm sure they couldn't tell you the price of a movie (with tax) off our best renter wall either.

We got out about 9:45 and I was tempted to just go home, but I was badgered into going to the bowling ally to hang out with a few people afterward. I had a drink, which was strange, because a lot of these people had never seen me drink before. I also bowled, which was fun, and I'm glad to know that I STILL suck at bowling. All-in-all, I'm glad I went.

For some strange reason yesterday, in my idle moments, I was reading my mom's Time magazine and read two interesting articles. The first was the review of Amy Adam's new movie Julie and Julia. A somewhat uninteresting review as a whole, but had this little nugget:

There are the memoirists like Child who write about what made them famous, or infamous. There are unremarkable people who write about a remarkable thing that happened to them. And there is the 21st century memoirist who makes him or herself interesting in order to write about it.

So, so true. This is sort of the peril of the Internet age. On one hand, anybody willing to do something stupid can become famous. On the other hand, ANYBODY WILLING TO DO SOMETHING STUPID CAN BECOME FAMOUS. Oh, what a world.

The second article was the cover story "The Myth About Exercise". What they basically did here was cram 3 paragraphs worth of story into about 5 pages. The basic idea is that heavy exercise may be counter productive to weight loss because it causes us to eat more afterwards. Like oh so many popular magazine stories, this one seems to get the facts right, but misses the point entirely. Not once during this whole article was the word metabolism used. It even used that old canard about how if you eat ____ (in this case, a muffin) you would need to do ____ minutes of ____ exercise. That may be true as far as it goes, but without bringing metabolism into account, which is increased by physical activity, you are totally missing a huge part of the equation. People who work out a lot burn more calories in the course of everything they do, not just the work out itself.

Thursday August 13

2009-08-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

I keep telling myself to do this in the morning or else I will run out of steam and not do it at all. That's what Success Magazine told me, anyway. Get the creative juices flowing early. It does seem that I think of a lot more crazy shit when I write in the blog in the morning as opposed to the afternoon, but I was so groggy when I woke up this morning, who the hec knows what I would have written.

I'm feeling old. I'm tired, my body aches and worst of all, I really have nothing to show for it. If I was busting my ass in the gym, like I am, and having it take a toll on my body, but I still looked great, it would be worth it. I don't though. My weight hasn't dropped a pound. Maybe I'm a little leaner, I don't know, but certainly not enough for it to be worth it. My eating habits have been the problem. Always have been, especially when I'm at home and don't usually do my own cooking. That's the one thing I'm almost kinda sorta looking forward too when I get back to Cruces on Monday, having an easier time modifying my eating habits.

190, that's my goal. My arms are looking pretty lean, and that's good, but I still have a flabby stomach. I guess pizza, Chinese food and Taco Bell will do that to you.

I watched two movies yesterday, I Love You, Man and Fragments (aka Winged Creatures). The first one was pretty funny, the second I'm not sure I understand. Fragments had two Oscar winners and another nominee yet it was kind of an uninteresting movie. Forest Whitaker has made some strange post-Oscar choices, but he's trying, and thankfully hasn't yet gone down the Cuba Gooding Jr. road to oblivion.

Wednesday August 12

2009-08-12T07:54:00.001-07:00

Didn't write a blog entry yesterday. I didn't have much to say, but the real reason was that I just didn't want to. Been working too hard lately, tired and grumpy. Work hasn't been too bad though, less stressful. I think it's because I'm squarely in the "I'm leaving soon, I don't give a fuck" mood. Strange place to be. I've quit jobs before, but I don't think I've ever felt that way at any of the other ones. Perhaps that's a good sign that my days at Hastings are done for good this time.

Oh well. Onward and upward, right?

You know what would be cool? To own a deli. I was watching this show on the Travel channel last night, which was a big mistake, btw, it just made me really hungry, and if you have a good one, you can make tons of money. But what do I know about sandwiches, right? Pipe dream Brian pipe dream.

Had a discussion at Starbucks yesterday about the futility of thinking too hard about the future. If I had to guess, I would say that roughly 10% of our lives are under our direct control. Things happen to us and we have to operate around or within that structure of the universe. What's the point of worrying so much about the future when it will, by and large, take care of itself?

Monday August 10

2009-08-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

A close then open the next day is always kind of a bitch. Everything always starts out good, but around 12 or 1, the fatigue sinks in and I start to get grumpy. Yesterday, though, while tired, everything went pretty smoothly. I did have this group, whom I call the moron brigade, come in and sell us more videos. They all look straight out of Gangland and act like a bunch of damned idiots while in our store. One, the guy who seems to be the leader, openly admitted he was out on parole. Another said he went to (alternative school for bad kids) High School. I'm not sure what the 3rd ones story is, but I'm sure he's done something. The brigade curses in our store (loudly), is boorish and, what annoys me the most, deliberately sets off our alarms over and over again. Ugh.

Later that evening I went and was G.I. Joe. I knew it was going to be bad, and it was, really, really bad. So bad, in fact, that it was almost entertaining. Almost. People in the audience were certainly laughing, but NOT because it was funny. The plot was stupid, the premise more so, the characters were horribly undeveloped and the dialogue was terrible. So naturally, it will make millions of dollars and have 2 or 3 sequels.

Sunday August 9

2009-08-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

The close in books last night went pretty smoothly. Saturday nights can sometimes be a strange thing down at the store, we usually aren't as busy as we are on Friday night, rather, it's steadier through the whole day. However, the crowd on Saturday is always a really late one. Especially in my magazine section. They come in around 10-10:30 and seem to forget where they picked up a magazine just two minutes before and simply put it wherever they were standing at the time. Nice. Thanks.

I decided to chance my approach this time around. The way I usually close the department is doing magazines last, but I always end up in a grumpy mood that way. I decided this time, however, to do the super tedious stuff, and the stuff that is usually in the worst shape, first. It didn't really make any time difference, as I got out the same time I usually do, but saving the easiest stuff for last is probably the best way to do it.

That, and I decided I don't really care anymore how good my close is. That's always been part of my problem, I let perfect be the enemy of good. I figure if the book manager is going to have a problem with my close regardless of how good it is, what's the point of even trying to do it perfect?

I watched one movie yesterday, The Counterfeiters, the 2007 Best Foreign Picture winner at the Oscars. I walked right into this trap. I didn't really read the description before I got it and when I started to watch it I found out that it was......... wait for it......... a Nazi movie. The fact that Nazi movies, almost regardless of quality, are considered serious Oscar contenders right out of the gate is one of the most annoying things the Academy does. The Reader? Best Picture? Yuck. Anyway, this one wasn't too bad, certainly an interesting piece of history and an interesting moral dilemma... you are a Jewish counterfeiter, a master, and the only way to stay alive is by counterfeiting foreign currency, which also finances the Nazi war effort. What do you do? The movie was alright as far as it goes, but I somehow doubt that is the best foreign film they could have come up with.

I'm about to go to work again. Those close then open can be a bitch and by 12 or 1 I'm a total crab. All of my epic customer service fails, in fact, have been after I had opened that day after closing the previous. Crossing fingers for a smooth day today. But then again, I still don't care, so I don't foresee any problems.

Saurday August 8

2009-08-08T06:46:00.000-07:00

Garage sales are an interesting cultural phenomenon aren't they? Why do people have them? Rarely do they ever make any sort of meaningful dent in their junk piles, nor do they ever make any money. They take lots of time and effort, not to mention you always have to get up freaking early in the morning. They also have a way of irritating your neighbors, espeically when the people who go to the garage sales think it's a good idea to park in front of the neighbor's driveway or in the middle of the street.

Another question is why people actually go to garage sales. I guess the idea is to save money, but I figure if you needed the item badly enough, you would buy it retail anyway and you wouldn't have bought it at all if you hadn't seen it at the garage sale. Sounds like that would waste more money than save it. Mabye 1% of the time is there truely something worth having a garage sale, most of the time, it's just a transfer of junk from one garage to another.

I had Friday off, which was nice because I rarely do. This will change once school starts again, though, when I will have way more days off than I will on, including Friday. But this summer it has been a novelty. I didn't really do anything interesting, most just sat around and watched movies. I watched REC, which is a Spanish original of the American movie Quarantine. I was undecided which one I actually was going to see, but I figure, go with the original, right? I liked it, and since I heard they are almost exactly the same, I see no real need to see the American. I also watched The Hudsucker Proxy by the Cohen Brothers. Strange flick, but good. Very much a Cohen Brothers movie.

Friday August 7

2009-08-07T06:32:00.000-07:00

Friday Friday Friday. Usually, Friday doesn't mean much to me because I work weekends, but today, I actually have a Friday off. Well, I didn't technically, but somebody wanted my shift, so I happily gave it to them... good times. I guess I shouldn't say usually. When I'm in school I always have weekends off, if I wanted them off, that is. I usually had something to do on the weekends, so I guess it wasn't really off, was it?

It looks like Vanessa Hudgens has another naked picture on the internet scandal. That's the second one in 2 years now. You would think somebody who likes being naked, as she obviously does, would be a little more careful. I guess her Blackberry got hacked or something this time and the naked pictures got sent out. Seriously? What kind of person, especially one whose privacy is constantly under attack, would keep naked pictures of themselves on their phone. Strange, strange girl.

Yesterday I watched Revolution, the train wreck of a movie that nearly cost Al Pacino his career back in 1985. The interesting part about this was they did an interview afterward with Pacino and the director (I forget who, some hack) and they still didn't see anything fundamentally wrong with the movie. They still thought it was good, just lacking in certain areas they couldn't fix because it was so rushed by the studio. Lame man. The movie was bad in a lot of areas, particularly the story. It was all over the place and had NO consistency at all. Oh Al, you make such great movies, but why must you torture your fans with crap like this?

Thursday August 6

2009-08-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

Went in to work last night to help somebody out who needed the night off. The shift started out ok, but I'm such a ditz and a social retard that the night quickly went to hell. Part of the problem is the fact that corporate is putting the squeeze on us too much and we just can't do the job that they expect us to do in the time they expect us to do it with the amount of people they expect us to do it with. It is simple math.

I also worked with this certain team leader that I always seem to screw up in front of. Actually, I screw up regardless of who it is anymore. I used to be good at my job and go several shifts without screwing up, but not anymore. I don't even really know how valuable an asset I am to this company anymore.

But the bottom line is this, I'm ready to move on again. I liked the job before, but not now and I think the only thing I'm going to miss about it is all the friends I'm going to leave behind.

----

Watched the movie Cinemania yesterday. It's a documentary about really, really intense movie buffs. They have no jobs, no friends (besides the other people like themselves) and they basically plan their lives around going to see movies and they can see almost 1,000 a year. That's more than Roger Ebert and he's paid to see a bunch of movies! What a horrible life that would be, to have such a compulsion.

Morning pages August 5, 2009

2009-08-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

I closed in the books department last night. I hate doing that. Something about closing shifts always makes me cranky and if I'm already in a bad mood about something, watch out. Part of it is just the utter tediousness of it, every single book in the store, and there are thousands, has not only a section, but a sub-section, and often times a row. An exact spot. Nice when you are trying to find something fast, but pure 100% torture when you are trying to put them away. It's not so much an issue of just stocking, you eventually learn right where the big name authors (Steven King, Janet Evanovich, John Grisham, etc) go, even where some of their specific books go, but its the fact that you can find stacks of books that have been misplaced by customers in the wrong place that can get really, really unnerving.

Magazines are even worse. I don't know how in the hell there can be a market for such a thing, but we have at least 15 tattoo magazines and people always (and I do mean ALWAYS) put them where they don't belong. Then there are other magazines, magazines on subjects you couldn't possibly imagine. The teen magazines with the same 4 people on every cover (Hillary Duff, Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart and the horrible Robert Pattinson). Recently I've also noticed a new face popping up everywhere, Selena Gomez. Who is she? What does she even do? Magazines are the absolute bane of my existence at Hastings.

Closing books is such a huge job. I could start at 8:30 and still not be done until 11:30. It's almost too big of a job for one person to alone, so naturally, they only have one person doing it. I try to be efficient and not have it take quite so long, but every little thing I miss gets found and I get called out on. It's easy to be a department manager and criticize the work of the closers, they never have to actually do it. Neither do the guys who work at corporate office.

There is one universal truth to retail, though. It is hard to make people who earn 8 dollars an hour care about anything.

Tuesday August 4th

2009-08-04T14:23:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I'm not sure what it is that I feel anymore. I must be bi-polar because I'm all over the place. One minute I'm mad the next I'm depressed and the next I'm level. It's an exhausing cycle. Often times I find myself wishing I could just go numb to the world, a Don Draper or Dexteresqe level of escape. I know that's probably not the best way to do it, and I'm not sure how it would be done, but this sort of basketcase existence doesn't work for me anymore.

For a while I thought it was the job, retail can be a frustrating as hell environment, but I'm starting to realize that it might just be a symptom of some bigger life issue. This cloud seems to follow me wherever I go.

I'm way too open about myself. I'm often prone to going on these incredibly emotional and sometimes passive aggressively angry rants to people I don't even know. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY. People are nice about it, but I know deep down it irritates them. I know it certainly would me. I can't do that anymore. I feel a little too much.

Sunday August 2

2009-08-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

Things happen in your life. Sometimes they are good and sometimes they are bad and they always, even if it is slight, leave an impact on your life. When dealing with your personal past, you can do one of two things, face it or run from it. I've been doing nothing but facing it for the last few years and it really hasn't gotten me much, maybe it is time to run.

Part of my problem is that I'm too open. I leave no room for mystery or the imagination. That needs to change.

Thursday July 30

2009-07-30T17:49:00.000-07:00

I've had about 3 days off now. Time off like this is nice in some respects, but all-in-all, I don't think this much free time is good for me. I believe 100% in that old addage about idle minds being the devil's playground and I have often wondered how many of societies ills are simply by bored teenagers. Boggles the mind really.

The big thing I tend to do when I'm bored is eat too much. I don't know why, but that seems to be where I go when I'm any emotion other than happy. When I'm bored I eat. When I'm tired I eat. When I'm stressed I eat. When I'm depressed I eat. I don't know why I do this. I really need a different hobby.

The last few weeks I've kind of had the perfect storm: bored, depressed and a little angry. So naturally, I ate. Then I got frustrated when my weight went up despite all the working out I do and, of course, I ate.

Story of my life

Tuesday July 28

2009-07-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

At work the other day I ran into an old teacher. I actually do that a lot, sometimes they recognize me, sometimes they don't. This one clearly didn't. I've seen her in the store before but never said anything, but for some reason, this time I did. It's been a number of years and even knowing my name, I wouldn't have been surprised at all if she still didn't remember me. To my surprise, though, she did and she remembered something I did in her class that I had totally forgotten about.

Back in jr. high, before home football games, we would give our road jerseys to a teach to wear in class that day. I guess it was sort of a school pride thing, but she reminded me that I would frequently give her my jersey to wear. I had totally forgotten that I did this, but she remembered and said that it meant a lot to her, especially as a new teacher (which she was at the time) and that she was sad when the school got rid of the practice.

The point of this seemingly important story is this: it can be strange what people remember and what people forget. A singular even that might be totally insignificant to one person (me, in this case, as I totally forgot about it) might be very important to somebody else.

Strange place the mind is sometimes.

Sunday July 26

2009-07-26T05:22:00.000-07:00

I was up at 5am today and my mind was racing. Millions of different things going on inside. One thing I've discovered recently, however, is that I have a lot of anger inside of me. I don't know where it comes from, but it has been coming out more and more recently. I even got snippy with a customer the other day.

I've kept everything bottled up for too long. Hopefully I don't have an explosion one day. Doesn't seem likely, but you never know.

Wednesday July 22

2009-07-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

Me handing a customer a video I went to considerable trouble to find: Here we are, the Christmas Cottage

Angry, mean old customer speaking with all seriousness: Why does it cost so much?!?

Yes, that's a problem I can definitely fix...

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Today was one of those days, one of those days where it all just feels so pointless. I work hard to get ahead, but can never manage to do it. I go out of my way to make certain people happy, but they are always ungrateful. What's the point? Blah

Tuesday July 21

2009-07-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

I was in an extremely foul mood on Sunday. I get that way sometimes when I usually do nothing but lie around the house all day, but this one was strange because I both worked AND went to the gym. Odd, odd day. In this mood I did something extremely impulsive. I won't say what it was, but the next day I was shocked that I did it because it was so out of character. Oddly enough, however, I don't think I regret it. Things will probably be different, I doubt they will be worse, and they might even be better. I was tempted to even take it a few steps further but glad I didn't because then I probably would have regretted it.

But here's the bottom line: I'm ultimately alone. People can hear me out, sympathize, pretend, but there just aren't a lot of people who get it or me. That's why cancer (and the aftermath) at such a young age is a total bitch... there just aren't a lot of other people out there with the same problem.

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TV DVD's are such a great thing, hard to imagine how a show could have had any long lasting appeal without them. They saved Family Guy, and make it possible for a whole new group of fans to develop for a show even after it isn't on the air anymore.

I started watching Dexter on DVD the other day. Yeah, the show is still on the air, but I never would have started watching it if there wasn't the DVD's. Great great show. He is such a wonderful character and he is played perfectly. Before I started watching, I always got the impression that Dexter was some sort of happy guy serial killer, but he's really not. Yeah, he kills bad guys, but he is also a dark and troubled person, who has some very real flaws. Psychological trauma as a child will do that to you. I'm not sure how the series is going to end, but I find it interesting.

The problem I have, however, is with the sister. I just don't think her character is well written. Some of her lines are kind of. well. dumb. I guess you can't expect perfection, but yesh, give her some good lines!

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The Emmy nominations that came out the other day both infuriated and delighted me. 30 Rock! Lord, explain the appeal of this stupid ass show to me?!? I think the reason it is so popular with the Emmy academy of somesort type people, is that it is basically about them, the t.v. industry. Pure, 100% vanity. Disgusting

On the upside, however, I was glad to see Aaron Paul get a nomination for Breaking Bad. I was confused as to how he didn't get one last year, but this year, his character is a million times better. I feel a special sense of pride in this because it was I who created the Aaron Paul wikipedia page. It has been developed some, but largely still as I left it. I'm so proud.

Saturday July 18

2009-07-18T19:12:00.000-07:00

Ugh.... one of THOSE days. I had to close last night, got out around midnight, then I had to open this morning at about 9. That sort of thing always puts me in a crabby mood as it is, but on top of it, I had a royal douche bag as a customer.

Started out innocently enough, she and her boyfriend had a few things and a box of Milk Duds. I scan the Milk Duds twice on accident, which meant that the second bar code got entered in as the price, 700 dollar Milk Duds... crazy eh? It's not unusual, the candy has a real sensitive bar code and most people just laugh it off and give me, literally, 30 seconds to fix it. It's an obvious error. No candy costs 700 bucks.

Instead of the usual joke about how that better be damn good candy for 700 bucks, this one got all huffy and puffy about how they weren't going to pay that much for candy. Obviously. I told them basically to chill out and give me a second to fix the error. I guess they had a problem with my tone because they went and talked to the manager about how I had an attitude problem. Of course the manager is a friend of mine and we kinda laughed it off, but I was aggravated about this for a while as this was my first complaint about my attitude in the year plus a few months that I've been there.

I guess she also had a problem with my gum chewing. Some people.

Those angry with the world fat chicks, you have to watch out for them. They bite.

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I figured that I should mention this: it's the first anniversary of my diagnosis. July 18 2008, the day my life changed forever. Already a year has passed... hard to believe.

Wednesday July 15

2009-07-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

Looking back at some of my past entries I've come to realize that this blog is very schizophrenic. So many different subjects covered, and even the way I title my entries is different! That's ok, I guess, I think it's an accurate representation of my thinking, all over the place and lacking in any real consistency. That's fine. I can live with that. But, at least the blog does have some sort of larger purpose, post-cancer life, that has allowed me to maintain it for longer than I have many other blogs.

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I was up at 6am this morning. WAAAAAY too early, I say, yet, I couldn't go back to sleep. This sort of thing is especially hard on days where I have to work until late at night, which makes the day that much longer. I could probably solve this problem by simply going to bed later, but by 11:30 I'm usually falling asleep, regardless if I actually want to or not.

The day always seems to go much faster and smoother when I wake up later. There's only so many things you can do during the course of a day, and the earlier you wake up, the more time you have to exhaust all those things, which leads to boredom. See where I'm going with this?

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I went and saw Bruno yesterday. I was not at all impressed. It wasn't half as funny as Borat and the characters weren't nearly as likable. It was certainly more daring, I'll give it that, but one can only take so many gay jokes in the span of an 90 minute movie. Judging by the laughter in the theater, nobody else was too impressed with it either.

Borat was a nice but grossly ignorant guy, Bruno was just a jerk.

Monday July 13

2009-07-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

Parking lots make me damn near homicidal. Cars are flying backwards and forwards, pedestrians are strolling around and nobody is paying any fucking attention to what they are doing, and if they are, they are simply being douche bags who like to cut people off and go around them when they are already backing out. There are certain lots where I feel like I am constantly taking my life into my hands. At Wal-Mart, for example, people don't seem to understand that pushing a shopping cart does not give you the right to dart out in front of two lanes of traffic!

But what really gets me are those that stop right in the middle of the lot to wait for a space that is 10 feet closer than one that is open. Really, in the time it takes you to wait for some old lady to load her groceries into the trunk you could have walked the extra distance and been in the store already. Odds are these people who wait are fat and could use the extra walking anyway so why are they holding up traffic?!?

Bah!

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I had one of THOSE customers yesterday. She comes to the customer service desk, tells me she rented the wrong movie, and wanted to know if she could get a rain check (i.e. free rental). This happens sometimes and it always confuses me as to how. Yes, sometimes the movies are out of place, your fellow customers are often not courteous enough to put them back correctly, but the movies are clearly marked and know what you are getting by simply looking at the disk. But we couldn't spend a whole second on that now could we?

We aren't supposed to do this, but we could just tell that she was going to be one of those that hollers, screams and annoys until she gets what she wants, so we just gave her the rain check to avoid the trouble. She comes back, two minutes later, and asks me if I had any Unborn Child up at the desk (checked in, but not put out yet). I was confused... I had NEVER heard of this movie before. After a few minutes of confused conversation, turns out she just wanted a copy of The Unborn, of which we had plenty out on the floor. So not only did she get the wrong movie because she didn't look at the disk she got, she didn't even really know what movie she wanted in the first place.

Moron

Saturday July 11

2009-07-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

A day in the life of a Hastings employee:

Angry Maybe Customer Maybe Not on Phone: Is Rhonda there?
Me (AKA confused and busy Hastings employee): Like, somebody who works here named Rhonda?
AMCMNP: Uh, yeah?
Me: Um..... hold on
Me, to person next to me: There isn't a Rhonda that works here is there?
PNM: Uh.... no?
Me, to AMCMNP: Uh, there's no Rhonda that works here
AMCMNP: You are Hastings, right, the one by Clancy's (local bar)?
Me: Uh yeah, that's the one, but Rhonda doesn't work here
AMCMNP: Sure?
Me: Yes
AMCMNP (angry that Rhonda doesn't work here): HMMMPH!

I'm sorry that Rhonda doesn't work here and has never worked here?

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I noticed a bizarre sign in the locker room at the gym today saying, basically, that this is a family zone and show all necessary precaution because of the kids around changing to use the pool. I thought that this was a wonderfully subtle way to tell all the old (often fat) guys who like to walk around naked in the locker room to cover up. At one of my previous gyms, the Royal Spa, this sort of thing got so out of hand it was almost uncomfortable to go in there at all!

Thursday July 9

2009-07-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest days of my life was when I finally decided to tell somebody about swollen, and still growing, testicle. What provoked me finally admitting it, I don't really remember, but it had been something I stalled on for a long time. We were in the car, ironically, going to Las Cruces to look at apartments for the coming fall semester.

It just came out.

The tumor (as it turned out) had been growing all summer. I have my theories on when it all started (a later blog), but I had told myself that if the swelling didn't go down by the end of May, I'd tell somebody. May came and went, I still didn't say anything. So did June, July and most of August.

I was never one of those guys who was afraid of going to the doctor and I couldn't really tell you what made me so afraid this time. I think part of it was the fact that I had so convinced myself that it was nothing serious, that I didn't really see the need. Big mistake, obviously. My tumor was 9cm when they removed it and I still get crap about it to this day.

Right up until the moment I saw the urologist, I believed that it was either a hydrocele or a hernia. Both suck, but not nearly as bad as cancer. Believe it or not, for the longest time, cancer never even crossed my mind. Perhaps it should have. The evidence was as clear as day.

With cancer, of course, waiting is the absolute worst thing you could do. If I had said something in May, like I had originally planned, I might have even been able to avoid the whole chemo thing! But even not knowing it was cancer, nothing good comes out of letting a medical problem fester. Nothing.