Good morning blog:

Merry Christmas! Good day so far, but it's only 9 am.

My doctor's appointment went well. I'm still cancer free and the doctor hinted that since it's been nearly a year and a half since my diagnosis and it hasn't returned, I'm close to being in the clear. I saw online that my chance of recurrence is now around 10-20%. Pretty good odds, I'd say. But then again, I figure it was really rare that I would get it to begin with, so you never really know. All I know is that I'm glad it's done with for now and I don't have to even think about it for another 6 months. This time around I was much more nervous than usual. Not sure why that is.

Good morning blog:

Talk about a contrasting few days. Sunday was not good at all. I woke up in a foul mood because I hadn't slept worth shit all week, my car battery died and Defined Fitness was still busting my chops over this account problem that had been there since May. In the grand scheme, not big things, but it's always the accumulation of little things that can sour your day more than anything.

Monday, however, was good. It was good because I was successful at un-doing all the things that had been wrong on Sunday. I slept great and by some great miracle, the car started on Monday morning with no problems. I made it to the gym and finally got the account straightened out. My car started again on my way to the dealership to get it fixed but actually died while I was waiting in line. Nice, eh? But of all places for a car battery to give out for good, you can't really beat a service center at an auto dealership. I also went and saw Avatar, but I would hardly consider that a highlight.

Today, however, is a big day. I go back to the doctor for my 6 month follow-up. Hoping for the best.

Good morning blog:

Here we are, Sunday morning, not a damn thing planned and I'm up early. My sleep cycle has gone totally to shit. No matter how late I go to sleep, I'm still up early and I wake up several times during the night.

It could be lifestyle, not working out, drinking too much caffeine, too much stimulation during the day, but that's never been a problem before, especially when I'm at home. Probably hitting the gym more regularly would help, but I just can't seem to relax that much at night. It shouldn't be this way. It really shouldn't.

In a certain sense, I know how Heath Ledger felt. Before his death he suffered from raging insomnia and anxeity. This, in turn, led to his addiction to perscription drugs, which eventually caused his death. I don't know exactly how he felt, but I know how it feels to have your mind racing a mile a minute all the time. It makes it hard to sleep, hard to relax, hard to keep your nerves steady and frankly, its exhausting. All the troubles of the world latch on to you and linger.

I don't abuse perscription or any other kind of drug, but I cope in other unhealthy ways. My binge eating problem has long been a symptom of some deeper emptiness. I annoy people with my constant neediness. Sometimes I spend all day just seeking human contact to get some sort of approval.

It's not the same as drug abuse, but it's on the same highway. Once you get going in that direction, it's hard to turn back.

It's an agonizing ritual for me. The semester is over. Finished. Nothing left to do. Yet, I still fight this battle with my mind and it keeps wanting to tell me "surely there is SOMETHING that you could do?" It makes me stop and think, maybe I'm forgetting something? This paranoia gets really irritating.

Thankfully, it goes away after a few days and I'm able to enjoy the free time.

I meant to upload this a few days ago but forgot:

Ok, I didn't forget. I was just lazy

You know what grinds my gears? When professors up and change directions for an assignment after you are practically done with it already. This happened to me twice today. One was no problem (but still a 180 degree turn from before) but the other could cause me a bit of trouble. The second one I even had a hand out for which said to this this way but somebody told me that the professor told them to do it a totally different way. Great.

Man I wish this effing semester was over.

It's definitely that time of year. I feel all desire to live being sucked from my body.

I shouldn't complain. I actually have it fairly easy this time around. I have one exam on Thursday, another is probably going to be cancelled (long story) and I have two projects, one of which is done, the other will be done soon.

I think everybody has these kinds of friends, those that you love dearly but you just have absolutely nothing to talk about. It could stem from the fact that one (or both) simply holds back so much of their life it's impossible to have anything to discuss other than mindless chatter. It could also stem from the fact that you are just two very different people with little to nothing in common.

It's always a curious position to have friends like these. You get along perfectly well, you may even like being in their company, but there is just nothing to talk about. This is not so much a friendship/relationship (f/r) killer as it is a f/r staller. You can still progress, but only so far, and if some new growth and development doesn't occur, the f/r will eventually deteriorate into bland pleasantries.

I call this stage 2 friendship (more on state 1 later). It's a stage of malaise. It is, however, possible to break free from it, but it depends entirely on the reason the couple is stuck in stage 2 to begin with. If it's from the fact that one or both are simply holding back, then once one or both start to open up, things can progress rapidly. If, however, two people just simply have nothing in common, it's perhaps impossible to break free.

continuing on...

Evaluating teachers in college requires a bit of a different standard than it does in elementary through high school. In those, simply knowing anything at all about the subject you are teaching makes a big difference. You would think that would be a pre-req. for teaching, but in the schools I went to, it really wasn't. Passion for the material is also not something you can take for granted.

In college, you look at these areas a little differently. In college, your teachers are obviously going to have knowledge of the material. They spend their entire lives studying it and rarely do they teach classes radically outside their area of expertise. Passion for a college instructor is really a different question. Obviously they are passionate about the material to spend so long studying it, but do they share that passion for teaching? The important thing in looking at a good college teacher is: 1) being able to break down his/her immense knowledge and present it in a logical and coherant way to the student and 2) actually give a rat's ass about teaching it and view it as something more than just a chore you have to do in order to work for the university and do what you really want.

Essentially, there has been two, one I expected, the other I added after thinking more about the subject:

Dr. Enomoto: I've had him twice so far in graduate school and he is probably the best professor yet, easily the best in the department. This guy knows basically everything and presents his lectures in a logical and coherent way that each one builds on the other. I've had a lot of terrible teachers since I've been in graduate school, but I've probably learned more in his classes than in the rest combined.

Dr. Berrens: This is the one I added upon further reflection. I didn't care much for his class, nor did I think much of the guy personally, he was kind of a pompous ass, but I actually learned a ton in his class. I forget a good chunk of my classes after I'm done with them, but even when we cover utility theory in graduate school, my life is tons easier since he explained it to me so well.

The influence of teachers on students can be immense and run the gamut from extremely influential to uninspiring but ultimately harmless to completely turning a student off of the subject.

I've had a countless number of the uninspiring, mediocre breed. Such is the nature of public school, I think. But I also had a few really good teachers mixed in that have really influenced me and my education:

Mr. Hawkins 5th grade: I respected this man simply because he helped me, a mediocre student, better understand the importance of education and with a little application, I could be better than I was. Up until that point I was a solid C average student with nothing particularly remarkable about me. All my teachers up until that point had been in the uninspiring group and generally set low standards for their students, and if you do that, they generally achieve that level. Mr. Hawkins had none of that and he challenged his students in ways that most of them never had been challenged before. I realized that all I needed was simply higher expectations to be better than I was.

Mr. George 12th grade: Pretty long time, eh? I thought as hard as I could to find somebody in middle school to fill the gap but I simply couldn't. Even in most of high school the vast majority of my teachers were really nothing special. Mr. George, however, was different. At Farmington High School, he was a rather well known guy, an unashamed liberal freely expressing his views at a fairly conservative high school in one of New Mexico's great Republican strongholds. He injected his politics into his class frequently, but it wasn't so much about indoctrination as it was simply getting high school kids to think outside their rather narrow world view. I rarely agreed with his views, but I certainly appreciated what he tried to do..

That aside, his most important quality, however, was that he cared about his job and took it seriously. It seems like a trivial point, but it was not at all common in the teacher's I've had through the years. He actually gave lectures and cared if the student understood the material, rather than simply plow through a text book. I took him for an AP class and it was the only one I actually passed.

I'm running a bit long, but I'm going to write a separate entry for influential college professors...

I had an exam yesterday in micro theory. I had studied hard and knew the material that I, and everybody else in the class, understood was going to be on the test. What I got, however, was something totally different. I bombed, as did most of the class I suspect. I was unhappy with the exam, as was much of the rest of the class.

To me, there is a distinction between a hard exam and an unfair one. On a hard exam, you may specify generally what is going to be on it, but within those bounds make modifications that make the problem more difficult, but something that is still within the range of the test takers ability. This is not what happened here. This was just an unfair exam pure and simple.

What made it unfair was this: the professor said explicitly that the exam was going to cover A, B, and C. What ultimately happened, however, was that it covered D, E, and F. In general, I have no problems with professors testing a wide range of knowledge, but don't say you are going to test on one thing then do something else entirely. THAT is unfair. It would have been much better had he not said anything at all about what was going to be on it.

Had a pretty good week this week. The big thing that happened was that I turned 25, today in fact. Physically, of course, being 25 is the same as being 24 but psychologically, there is a difference that doesn't exist, in, say between turning 23 and turning 24. When you are 25, you can start (reasonably) viewing the span of your life in terms of a century. 25, a quarter of a century. 24% doesn't really say much, but 25%, ah, that's something you can use!

Milestone birthdays also have a way of putting your life so far into clearer focus. What have you accomplished? More importantly, what have you missed out on? My mind always tends to go to that place. What have I missed out on? It seems like a lot, but thinking in it in this way gives you incentive to move forward. Yes, I've missed out on a lot, but hey, that just gives me more to do and will make the next 25 years all the more impressive.

An early birthday card...

Hmmmm.... let's see, helps me protect against H1N1, but gives me diabetes? I'd say it's a wash.

I haven't been writing much in the blog lately because, frankly, I just haven't had a lot to say. Part of it has been the fact that I've been sick and my mental capacity has been greatly, greatly diminished. We had a group project, in fact, that required some work when I was sick and when I started to come out of it, I realized how horribly we all did on it. That was a week ago and my lungs are just now beginning to be fully recovered and let me do a full cardio workout.

But enough of that....

Ah fall, a chill enters the air, leaves start to change, you start to see light at the end of the academic tunnel and, unfortunately, THE WHOLE FREAKING ECONOMICS DEPARTMENT AT NMSU GETS SICK! The cold is going around in a bad, bad way. You can almost feel the stench of virus and ill health in the air.

I couldn't avoid it. I too fell prey to the common cold. When I first started to feel sick around Saturday afternoon I dreaded the worst, the flu. Saturday night I was sick as a dog and despite loading up on nyquil, I slept like crap and ended up waking up every hour or so. Same drill on Sunday night. This thing has lingered much longer than I thought it would. Here we are on Wednesday and I'm still sick. I am very much on the upswing though and expect to be 100% by Friday.

The one year anniversary of the start of this blog is quickly coming up and I went over and read what I wrote then. It has made me take a hard look at the last year and focus in on what has really changed. How much progress have I made? What am I progressing to anyway?

I'm going to be honest, in my undergraduate days I was just pathetic. I was a social misfit and a recluse. I was very unhappy because I think that, by nature, I'm a social person. There could be days like today where I am in a horrible miserable funk until I start talking with people then I feel better. I think this is where my time at Hastings really helped. It doubled my friend count and really helped me come out of my shell in a way that other places haven't.

I also happen to think that my cycle of emotions are different. They can still be pretty wild, that's for sure, but I think they are a bit more steady. Lately something has been starting to creep in that I'd never had before, egotism. Not that that's a good thing necessarily, but it is certainly better than being miserable and depressed all the time. I think I've always had a bit of an arrogant, self-centered streak deep down in me, but lately, it has been showing itself more.

Somewhat related to this, however, is my self-image. As I said, I can have periods of extremely inflated ego, but by and large, I'm still not horribly comfortable with myself. I really, really don't like myself very much most of the time, physically, mentally, in pretty much every way. This is one area where there hasn't been much improvement since I finished chemo and something I know I really need to work on for next year.

Ah the TSA, God bless them. On second thought, no, don't. THEY SUCK

I think I realized that junk food is having a very negative effect on my mood. I eat it. I get grumpy. I get depressed. I start bugging my friends via text. It's all a very vicious cycle and it seems to keep repeating itself. Is the taste enough to outweigh all the bad stuff it does to me?

It's like I live in Groundhog Day. I'm good with my diet and working out all week, but come Friday, I pig out and nearly ruin it all. It gets that taste for junk food and sweets in my mouth, then I'm craving it all weekend. They cycle repeats itself over and over and over and over again. So frustrating.

Over the last few years, my sweet tooth has wreaked havoc on my life. Most of my life, I never really had one. I could go months without ever eating candy or ice cream. But, come my sophmore year of college, everything went to hell. A lot of things went bad that year and I'm still dealing w/ the consequences and correct some of the habits I developed. At one point, I was eating 4 pints of ice cream a week, the premium, high calorie kind. I don't do nearly that much now, but I think it's time to take the next step and eliminate the cursed bastion of sugary goodness from my life completely.

It looks like it's shaping up to be another really busy week coming up. I have a ton of stuff do on Thursday, one assignment of which is totally unnecessary as it should have been given last weekend when I had practically nothing. It's probably better for me, though, to have lots to do rather than little. When I have lots, I get lots done and tend to stay more focused. When I have little to do, NOTHING tends to get done, even the little I have.

Got my econometrics exam back and the grade wasn't bad. He was very, very generous, though, because I didn't really do all that well. I guess I don't really care. I'm just ready to move on from that material anyway. Hopefully I will get my micro theory exam back today, and while I think I did well, you can never tell. I have one more test in this little cycle on Tuesday then I will be test free for a while... yippie.

Things are really starting to kick into high gear with movies this weekend. I have basically two choices, Where the Wild Things are and Law Abiding Citizen. I suppose I COULD go see both, but I don't really want to spend that money. I plan to see Law Abiding Citizen, but should Where the Wild Things Are turn up online, I wouldn't be dissapointed.

Speaking of movies, I finally finished with the "A's" of Roger Ebert's Great Movies list. I would say that about 90% of them I have liked so far, but the "B's" aren't off to a particularly great start. So far, they've been largely 40s-50s flicks, which are ok, but I was never able to get into those quite as easily as I could the later ones. Last night I watched the old Humphrey Bogart movie Beat the Devil, which I HATED. I have a string of Bogart's coming up, so hopefully they will get better.

Heavy month for exams, I had one last week, one this week and one next week. At least it isn't any of that 4 in one day shit like I sometimes had as an undergraduate. One a week is totally managable. Last week it was micro theory, which I feel pretty confident about. You never know for sure, but struggling so much on the homework was a good thing because it forced me to actually, you know, learn stuff, which is good to have on an exam. Econometrics, today, is another story. I think I'll ultimately do fine, but I'm not nearly as confident. I figure I get whatever grade I deserve because I didn't know the material that well. I just sort of memorized stuff. I figure I'm at about my limit for how much math and statistics my poor brain can take. Next week is my regulatory economics test, which I'm not too worried about.

Actually, I guess you could say I'm not really worried about any of them. Even though I don't think I did all that well on econometrics, it's like I don't even really care anymore. I guess that's what graduate school is supposed to be about, not worrying so much about grades and instead focusing on the material. I don't find econometrics horribly relevant and I'm not even sure why I took the advanced level (only the basic is required). I needed another class, but there was probably a better option out there.

The prediction I made a few weeks ago about Mad Men, and the now infamous lawn mower incident isn't coming to pass. I believed that it was going to be a turning point in the season story-arch, which had been non-existent, but in the 3 or 4 episodes since then, they haven't even mentioned it again. I guess it wasn't that important. But at least some sort of arch has developed with Conrad Hilton. I think Don's relationship with Hilton has changed him for the worse. He used to be mr. cool calm and collected but he seems a little more testy lately, almost angry, which was very evident in how he handled Sal's firing.

This last episode also provided an interesting contrast between the characters of Don and Betty Draper. Both were faced with a choice, cheat on their spouse when they are tempted, or don't? Don, naturally, did, but interstingely enough, Betty came to her senses and said "no". I think that adds a dimension to her that I wasn't sure existed.

I feel the cloud is starting to lift. I'm not quite as grumpy today as I have been for the last few days, but I'm still not sure what's causing it all. Just me and my crazy brain, I guess. I really should be more appreciative of the fact that I'm even alive and not waste so much time wallowing in self-pity.

I have reached one conclusion, though. My weight has stopped going downward and I've been at about 220 for several months now. It's fluctuated up and down, but always comes back to that point, which is where I was when I left Las Cruces last May. My goal is 190, which seems a looooooooong way off.

The problem isn't lack of activity, I'm working out more than ever, but rather my old curse, food. My eating is really a constant battle and one I really need to address if I want to get anywhere. I was crunching some numbers in a spreadsheet and reached a few conclusions:

1) I need about 2298 calories to start losing weight

2) I do a really poor job of distributing my calories throughout the day, eating very little during the day but a whole bunch in the evening. I think it wreaks havoc on my metabolism and stops me from using the energy efficently.

3) My Friday night benders are KILLING me. One really shouldn't eat 3000 calories in about two hours time. Even if I eat good all week, a day like that could wreck it all. I really need to stop that.

4) Most of the time, I was simply unaware of what I was eating and when. It was very enlightening just seeing it in front of my eyes how crazy my eating habits are.

I need to keep better track of these things.

I'm having a really hard time getting over this Barak Obama winning the Nobel Prize thing. Usually after an outrage I go to the gym, lift and run out my aggression, and come home feeling better, but that hasn't happened this time. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me, it wounded me deeper than most other things.

The Peace prize has always been somewhat political, that I understand. But I don't think I've ever seen it as this overtly political. It's almost as if it has nothing to do with promoting peace anymore, rather, just an "I'm Not George W. Bush" award. That's why he got it, because he is the first non-GWB president. In the last few years, other Bush opponents have gotten it too, Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, Mohamed ElBaradei, but they have at least had SOMETHING vaguely related to peace to make a case on, regardless of how flimsy. Obama has nothing.

It's disgusting to think that, out of all the people who actually risk their lives to promote peace, they deem Barak Obama worthy. Consider the following:

Morgan Tsvangirari, leading of the Zimbabwe opposition, been imprisoned and beaten, risked assassination several times, has not won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Rebiya Kadeer, fighting for Uyghur rights against the Communist Chinese, spent two years in solitary confinement in China.

and..... wait for it....

Ghandi.

Yes, the Nobel Committee deemed Barak Obama, a man even SNL was beginning to tease as a "do nothing President" worth of the Nobel Peace Prize. Un.Freaking.BELIEVABLE

This commercial really annoys me. The way she says PERSONAL doctor, I mean really, is that the only doctor you ever plan to see? But she is cute though.

Also, I've caught up on season 4 of Dexter and I think it is off to a good start. The story is still evolving, unlike Mad Men where it seems to be simply on auto pilot. To me, John Lithgow is the PERFECT person to play a serial killer. Doesn't something about him just seem, I don't know, off?

I have an exam tomorrow

I don't want to study

I have a project trying to replicate the Forbes Magazine college rankings

not to mention the fact that I haven't finished the U.S. News ones yet

NM business data also needs to be collected.

All in all it's a fairly slow week, but I'm tired and lacking in motivation.

Thursday's can be kind of a drag. There's too much on tv to justify putting in a movie, yet, not enough to keep me occupied all night. There's shows I like, but also, plenty horrible crap.

SNL Weekend Update Show: Terrible! Why does this show exist?!? SNL stinks to high heavens these days and not even watchable, either on Saturday or on Thursday

Parks and Recreation: Worse than SNL. A cheap and pathetic Office rip-off. Why doesn't Amy Phoeler just go away already.

The Office: Been a fan for years. Still watch every week, but the show is starting to grow a little stale. Curious to see the manager conflict between Michael and Jim though.

Community: Just started, but I'm interested. I expect good things from this show, so naturally, they will cancel it.

Thoughts on Roman Polanski

I'm a little annoyed by this whole Roman Polanski thing. The fact that so many people want to let him go isn't a surprise to me, that's what always happens when a celebrity gets caught, but the reasons are just pathetic!

1) He suffered a lot in his life and therefore has paid his dues: I won't deny that he's been through a lot in his life, but give me 10 prisoners in any state pen. and I will find 9 of them that have suffered equally. They have lost mothers, friends, brothers, sisters, whatever and many of them have lived extremely hard lives. Were they let off the hook? Certainly not. Anybody who suggests such a think would be laughed off the stage.

2) The victim has forgiven him and wants to move on: of course she did and of course she does. She had to for her own sanity, much in the same way that families of murder victims often forgive the killers. It's too hard to hold a grudge and easier to forget and move on. That doesn't make it right for society as a whole, however.

3) Suspect timing: ok, I'll concede this one. I don't really understand why they decided to proceed with this now. Polanski has been moving around Europe for 30 years now and it seems highly unlikely that this is the first time they knew where he was going. Hell, it wasn't even the first time he went to Switzerland. L.A. County is cash strapped, so it is a bit of a mystery why they would decide to go after him now.

4) Suspect prosecution: honestly, I don't know much about what went on at his trial. I only casually watched the Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired documentary, but I don't know that that should even matter at this stage. Many people in the system have had suspect prosecution and/or defense. Some get exonerated, some don't, but they all go through the proper channels within the system. Just because he is a great director doesn't mean he should get a free pass.

My overarching point is this: all of the reasons why Polanski should be freed could apply to almost any convict that they would never dream of letting go. But he is different, he directed Chinatown, after all.

Ultimately, I seriously doubt anything will happen to Polanski at this point. Somebody will step in and let him go free. I hate the idea, though. A guy commits a horrible crime, runs away to Europe like a little girl, then, because he's made a few good movies, gets a Get Out of Jail Free Card. Ah, what a country.

Mad Men thoughts:

* Don Draper's attitude towards is beyond confusing. It seems as if he is completely ambivalent towards the man who can take his career to a whole new level.

* It looks like the story is finally starting to go somewhere. It's about freaking TIME!

* Surprised to hear absolutely nothing about lawnmower-toe incident that happened last week. It seems like that would be a major event, but it was as if it never happened.

Sunday September 27

I'm still fighting with finding the right template here in Blogger. I've always had this problem with Blogger, their choice of templates SUCK, but I'm having a hard time leaving one of my precious Google products behind. It will be ok, it's just a matter of finding the right one.

I saw Annie Hall for the first time last night and I can't believe I hadn't seen it sooner. It's one of the greatest movies I think I have ever seen. It's actually funny. Comedies are hard for me because I have a very narrow sense of humor, but this one got me in the right way.

My favorite scene is the one where they are standing in line at the movie and in front of a guy who is, rather negatively, discussing the works of Fredrico Felini and Marshall McLuhan. After a while, Allen leaves the line and talks directly into the camera causing the guy behind him to do the same in his defense. The brilliant part is when Allen pulls McLuhan himself out from behind a poster to settle the issue. Brilliant.

Friday September 25

Super productive day today. I got both econometrics and most of my micro homework finished. I will work on the rest tomorrow as well as my water regulation homework, which is going to be a bit of a bitch.

I contemplated not going to the gym this morning, just getting up, coming here, and getting things done, but I was up super early today, 5:30, so I decided to just go ahead and go to the gym. I had never worked out at 6ish in the morning before, so it was kind of a strange experience. I almost never workout when it is dark out, morning or evening, so it all had a different feel. I figured I was going to be dragging ass in there today, but not really. I was pretty sharp.

Eh, who cares.

Tuesday September 22

A few random things today:

First, the Emmy's. When will this humping of 30 Rock end? The show is awful and not even in the same stratosphere as funny. The Academy's love for this show is pure and simple vanity, it is a somewhat popular show that is about them, so they eat it up. Pathetic. But I always thought the comedy awards were a joke anyway (no pun intended), so I guess it doesn't matter.

I thought Outstanding Drama was fiercely competitive this year. I think all the shows were equally worthy, but I was hoping that Breaking Bad would sneak in there a beat out Mad Men. It was not to be, though. On the flip side, though, I was hoping John Hamm (Mad Men) would beat Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) for best drama actor. Would somebody please give John Hamm an Emmy already! I was thrilled to see Cranston win last year and he was certainly worth this year, but comon already.

I was also not surprised to see Dexter get shut out again this year. Great show, but maybe just a tad too edgy for a major stage just yet. Maybe next year.

-----

One more quick note on Mad Men season 3. I was thinking about this the other day and, as of yet, a season story arch hasn't really developed yet. Basically, just a bunch of random things have been happening that don't really impact the story as a whole. This week, however, was a pretty amazing episode and one I think COULD be the start of this season's arch.

First, there is Don's meeting w/ Conrad Hilton. People saw this one coming when they first met each other a few weeks back and the then strange person mentioned San Antonio, NM, but not it has finally come to pass. What is going to happen w/ this relationship? A deal like Hilton could be huge for a place like Sterling-Cooper.

Second, there was the incident with the foot and the lawnmower. A British executive from Sterling-Cooper's corporate ownership had part of his foot cut off in a drunken office party involving a lawnmower IN THE OFFICE. Corporate had a particular, and not very interesting, re-structuring plan for Sterling-Cooper, but now needed to "re-evaluate". That's never good.

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I missed about half of the season of House last year because of a change in my school schedule, which made me sad, because I guess I missed a lot. No matter. I'm starting this season anew and don't foresee any interruptions. The 2 hour season premiere was interesting to say the least. You always kinda thought House belong in a crazy ward but you never 1) actually thought he would get put there and 2) actually co-operate to get out. Part of the charm of House is his misanthropy and if he really is changing his attitude, as the first episode suggests, it could be an entirely different show. Perhaps one that isn't as good. The show is in its 6th season, though, and you have to figure it won't be on much longer anyway.

Cineacation # 3 Ace in the Hole and After Dark My Sweet

After several name changes, I decided to go with Cinemacation as the title for my series on Roger Ebert's Great Movies list.

Ace In the Hole

A story about corrupt journalism and a public who eats it up, Ace in the Hole is an indictment of everybody. Part of the movie's problem when it first came out was that the critics found it a bit too far fetched. I can't help but wonder, though, if it would get that same knock were it to come out today. Corrupt yes, but does it really seem THAT far off, especially considering the low esteem journalists are held in these days? The story is still relevant 50+ years later.

After Dark My Sweet

This whole movie I couldn't help but think that Jason Patric looks like Dennis Miller. That aside, though, his character, Collie, was amazingly complex. Was he crazy? Was he stupid? Was he both? It's hard to say. He spent the whole movie claiming he wasn't, but you have to wonder. In the first place, he'd have to be stupid to agree to a role in a rich kid kidnapping scheme (not sure where the film took place, but it definitely was NOT Juarez) to begin with. On the other hand, he was always two steps ahead of the other schemers and almost made the whole thing work. A very subtle performance by Patric and was very well done.

Thursday September 17

I have had a reasonably easy week. Some classes got cancelled, which gave me more time to work on the classes that weren't.

A somewhat annoying issue, though, is the fact that I still haven't been able to sleep particularly well. No matter what I take, 10mg of melatonin yesterday, it is still hard to fall asleep. My body is tired, exhausted, in fact, but my brain just won't quit. Part of it, I'm sure, is the fact that people have been calling me and sending me text messages later than usual. Last night, for example, right as my head hit the pillow, one of my brother's called me. Nice.

It could be stress, but I honestly don't feel particularly stressed. Yeah, I have a lot to do, but I think I have a good handle on things and am managing my time well. I don't have anything terribly pressing coming up either. I don't know what it is. Probably just overstimulation.

In other news, tonight is a big night for t.v., The Office seasons premiere is tonight and a new show that I'm curious about, Community, comes on as well. The thing about The Office, though, is that it is on the downward slide of its run. I thought last season was AWFUL. That whole thing with the Michael Scott Paper Company I thought was very annoying and gimmicky. Of course it wasn't going to last, so what was the point of it to begin with?

Tuesday September 15

Woke up this morning in a royally terrible mood. I didn't get a text message all day, but suddenly, at 11:30, when I'm trying to sleep, everybody has something to say. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter, not like I was sleeping anyway. My body was tired, but I think my brain was a little overstimulated and refused to shut-down. That happens from time to time. Damned Facebook will be the death of me.

But I also got caught in that dangerous self-pity web that I've been doing a somewhat better job of staying out of, but not entirely. I get so obsessed with thinking about things that I don't have, I forget to appreciate what I do. I forget that trying to dramatically alter myself and my personality is a losing battle. This isn't the movies, you can't really change who you are. Little things here and there, maybe, but ultimately it's all about acceptance. The truly successful people aren't those who are perfect, rather, those in who believe in themselves and have confidence, despite their flaws.

----------

NFL week 1 was bitter sweet. The Cowboys won, and played pretty well in the process. I have hopes for this team. I think they are in a better position this year because: 1) they got rid of some of the fluff (I'm looking at you T.O.) and 2) they went relatively unnoticed this off-season. The last two seasons they have suffered from the terrible curse of high expectations. When you build a team up so much, odds are they will disappoint. A large percentage of the best teams the last few years have been those that have gone under the radar (think Arizona Cardinals). Two promising developments.

On the other hand, however, my fantasy team stunk it up. To be fair, in both leagues I was going against the guy (same guy, actually), who got lucky enough to draft Adrian Peterson, who is nothing short of a fantasy machine. But generally, my teams just stunk it up. Part of it was my fault, I made some ill advised line-up decisions in WR area, but other parts were just crappy play, most notably by my quarterback Kurt Warner. Quarterbacks have been the bane of my fantasy existence the last few years and so far, it looks like history is repeating itself once again. Kurt is my ol' reliable, though, so I'm hoping he will pull through. If not, I got a hungry Trent Edwards waiting in reserve.

Saturday September 12

I've always been a big eater, but my problem with binge eating started in the Fall of 2005. It was my sophmore year at NMSU, I was living in the student apartments (i.e. not the dorm, but still on campus).

Something about that year was different from before. I seemed more detached and more alone. I think my freshman year was still an adjustment time, and I lived in the dorms where there was always something going on. My sophmore year, however, I was away from everything (literally, at the very edge of campus), as adjusted as I would ever be to college, and very very alone. I filled the void with food. I was beyond miserable and unhappy that whole year and I started to gain weight with my binge eating.

The next year was my first at UNM and I naturally thought that a new environment would help. As I learned, however, you can't run away from your problems. If you don't actually address them, they will simply follow you, which mine did. My first year at UNM was probably my worst year for binge eating. Most weekends I would eat about 4 pints of ice cream (2 on Friday and 2 on Saturday), a whole pizza, and whatever else I could get my hands on. We are talking 3,000 calories in one little sitting. It would always make me sick and I'd tell myself that this was the last time, but of course it wasn't. This first year was also a problem because I was no longer working out. So not only was I eating a ton, but I wasn't getting the exercize to help control my mood. Naturally, I gained weight faster.

My second year at UNM was much better. I started working out again and some of my self-destructive behavior was mitigated by the fact that I now had a roomate. It's amazing what kind of stuff you won't do when you know somebody else is watching. But the problem really didn't go away, though, because my roomate was frequently gone and when he was, I'd fall right back into my self-destructive behavior.

I'll address the weight issue in a seperate entry, but that's of course part of the story.

Where am I now? I would say that I'm 100x's better than I was when I first left NMSU and my first year at UNM. I still have the urge to binge eat every week, but I'm better at controlling it. It's similar to alcoholism, you just have to attack it one day at a time.

You Know What Grinds My Gears?

Wal-Mart has this commercial in which a somewhat cute looking Italian (or some kind of Spanish) chick is talking about how Wal-Mart has recently lowered the fees on their check cashing service to 3$ and how those savings, calculated to be about 200$/year by her rather dorkish looking husband, could be used to buy goodies such as an LCD t.v. I find this commercial profoundly annoying as it promotes the very essence of fiscal irresponsibility.

First, it implies that the best thing to do with a check is to cash it right away instead of putting it in a bank and saving it. I know out of necessity some poorer people do have to do this, but the family in this commercial seems very middle class. What about savings? Hmmm? Nah, screw that. Spend all the money you save at Wal-Mart on stupid things such as LCD t.v's! What well-off or upper middle class person cashes checks at Wal-Mart anyway when you can do it for free at a bank?

Second, what they suggest buying with the money you save on their check cashing service, is an LCD t.v. In the first place, I'm not sure how you can buy an LCD t.v. off of a 200$/year saving unless you finance it (which is a whole other issue) and second, is an LCD t.v. something you should really be buying when you don't have a bank account and/or saving? Seriously people. Who buys an LCD t.v. in that scenario?

I know I'm reading way too much into this commercial, but it annoys me more every time I see it. They stopped airing it for a while but have recently starting again.

Thursday September 10

Really, really busy the last few days and I haven't been quite as on top of things as I normally am. My Netflix deliveries have hit a bit of a snag, which I think is a blessing in disguise because otherwise I would have never had the extra motivation needed to get my backlog of work done. I'm just about caught up now, though.

I spent the last two nights doing homework. Nights! Doing homework! I haven't had to do homework in the evening for going on a few years now and I have to say that I don't like it. I'm doing school stuff all day and the last thing I want is more school when I get home. There's just no other way to cram it all in, though. Just busy busy busy.

Note to self: don't discuss algebra problems with ag. econ graduate students. They can do them much better than traditional econ grad students and are considerably more smug about it. I'll take my advice from the engineering major who agreed with me that the equation we had to solve was a total bitch. Yeah. That makes me feel better for not being able to solve it.

Tuesday September 8

Really really dragging ass today. It's not even 9 yet, so hopefully I will come to life, but the day is not off to a promising start.

I came to campus a bit early today, but I don't really know why. Mostly I use this time to clear a bit of the homework backlog, but I can't really do that now. I don't quite have everything done, yet, I'm sort of stuck at this point where I just can't do the rest of it. It's not a mental block or a matter of motivation, I've just reached the limits of what I know how to do. This keeps happening and it is really becoming bothersome. But I guess that is what graduate school is for, right, pushing through and giving things the "old college try"?

I finally got around to watching Casino Royale last night, the first 007 movie with Daniel Craig. I was unimpressed with how it started. I thought, "aw crap, another mindless action flick", but it actually got a lot better as it went a long. It was really a very interesting interpretation of the Bond character. We tend to think of 007 as this rather cold super agent unencumbered by emotion, but in Casino Royale, he's really just a big sap. Hard to imagine a past Bond character who almost gets killed by a woman he was in love with (not just a woman he wanted to make love to). I suspect this was how a real Bond would be.

And Daniel Craig is just plain ripped...

Cinemacation #2 Aguirre, the Wrath of God

I admit, I wasn't nearly as impressed with this movie as Roger Ebert was. He writes:

Werner Herzog's “Aguirre, the Wrath of God'' (1973) is one of the great haunting visions of the cinema. It tells the story of the doomed expedition of the conquistador Gonzalo Pizarro, who in 1560 and 1561 led a body of men into the Peruvian rain forest, lured by stories of the lost city. The opening shot is a striking image: A long line of men snakes its way down a steep path to a valley far below, while clouds of mist obscure the peaks. These men wear steel helmets and breastplates, and carry their women in enclosed sedan-chairs. They are dressed for a court pageant, not for the jungle.

The music sets the tone. It is haunting, ecclesiastical, human and yet something else...

Something else indeed. The music was one of the things that struck me as interesting about this film. It is similar to 2001: A Space Odyssey in the sense that the music you would expect for a certain shot is not what you got. This was particularly interesting when somebody was killed. There was something very non-chelant about it. No change in music to indicate that something interesting was even happening. He was there then *poof* he wasn't. There is something that struck me as very real and haunting.

The one point where we disagree is Klaus Kinski's portrayal of Aguirre. Ebert portrays it as something magical, but I just thought it was strange. I still don't understand why he was hunched over all the time. Did Aguirre have back problems?

From what I read, though, the making of this film has become legendary. The setting, for one, has a lot of steep hills and fast rivers making filming difficult on a limited budget. Also, Kinski's was a royal douche. Actors throw a lot of tantrums, but to throw some that have been legendary in Hollywood? That is saying something.

Monday September 7th

I don't know why the paragraphs on this blog come out so goofy so often. I guess it doesn't really matter, but hey, aesthetics are important, right?

Anyway, it's Labor Day. One of the things that I've been thinking about for the last few days is how this Labor Day compares to last year. This one has barely started, but I feel quite confident in saying that this year is going to be considerably better. Labor Day 2008 I was at San Juan Regional Medical Center getting chemo. My second round. I remember that particular treatment well because I didn't usually get my treatments there, but had to because of the holiday. I was reading Andrew Jackson's biography, ironically, a book I quit reading only got around to finishing this summer. I was fighting the fatigue really, really hard towards the end, but I actually liked getting treatment there because they were more willing to mix some of my drugs and get me done faster.

It feels like I've written this entry 3 or 4 times already, but it is an issue that keeps coming up, how important are grades in graduate school? I wonder because I struggled on some work this weekend and it took up way more mental energy than I feel it should. Intellectually, I know that they aren't as important as they are when you are an undergraduate, but I have a really obnoxious perfectionist streak in me and it rears its ugly head when I hit a difficult spot with my work. It eventually passes, as it has, but I need to condition myself out of this mind set. Grades have been my path to approval and given me my sense of self-worth and that's a very unhealthy attitude.

Cinematic Exploration #1 12 Angry Men

12 Angry Men works because of a key irony. Herny Fonda's character, juror 8, is sure, sure that he is unsure, which is important in a capital murder case. And with his confidence and cool temperament, despite the hot temperatures outside and the rising tempers inside, eventually persuades the other 11 members of the jury to become unsure as well.

The movie starts out as a murder case goes to the jury. The initial vote is amazingly lopsided, 11 guilty to 1 nonguilty. At the first hashing of the evidence, it seems incredible that juror number 8, the lone no, could possibly vote that way and at first, his reasoning is uninspiring. He simply isn't sure. No real explanation and leaves the viewer asking "is he crazy?" Throughout the course of the movie, however, the viewer takes the same evolution as the rest of the 11. One by one the initially rock solid evidence begins to break apart. The switchblade. The L-train. The lady without her glasses. All reliable at first, yet, with a little bit of scrutiny become flimsy.

As the evidence falls apart, so does the confidence of the rest of the jury. By the end, it has all come full circle and there is once again one lone dissenter, this time, the one guilty vote and after a painful self-realization, he changes too. One man, unwavering and confident has ruled the day and saved the life of a (likely) innocent kid.

Rather simply and boringly shot (in black and white despite the availability of color), there is one subtle camera trick that had an interesting impact. As the movie progresses, due the the use of different lenses and camera angels, the jury room slowly gets smaller and smaller. The noose tightens as the tempers flair. Excellent and creative way to add tension.

Thursday September 3

Finally, I'm starting to make some progress in this joint. The last few entries I've been bemoaning (to put it nicely, more accurately would be bitching) about my job and how I've basically just been doing busy work for the last two days. That changed yesterday. It started out like a normal, waste of time day until I got some much clearer instructions as to what I'm supposed to be doing. Basically, I'm trying to replicate the US News & World Report college rankings using their data and their formulas. The trick, however, is that US News doesn't release ALL the data. Some of it we have to get from other sources.

I went over their methodology and it's surprisingly involved, with lots of formulas and z-score calculations. I think it is doable, but on only a 10hr/week schedule, I will need to make the most out of my time with it.

I didn't mention this before, but I feel that, as an aspiring movie buff, my historical knowledge of film is, well, pathetic. So I decided to undertake a project to educate myself on the history of film. I'm starting with Roger Ebert's great movies list, about 100 or so important movies, then I might (stress might) dip into the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die List, but that's a ways down the road.

Today is going to be a bitch. 4 classes in one day. I'm usually pretty brain dead by the end of it and pretty much good for nothing the whole rest of the night. But oh well, Thursday is my last serious day of the week anyway, with the rest of the days left to just clean up what I didn't do before.

Cheers!

Tuesday Sept. 1

I haven't been able to write much in here for the last few days because I've been so craptacularly busy. Look at me, I'm a big, bad, graduate student now huh? The problem isn't so much school, rather, this job in the policy analysis center. It's a time suck to a degree I wouldn't have imagined before. I basically do nothing of importance for 10 hours a week. There's so much more I could be doing with that time. I keep hoping that eventually they will have me doing something a bit more involved than data entry, but so far, that's the best I've got.

I'm having more school frustrations, but really, it's the same old crap from the same old people. No biggie. Funny how nobody can seem to get a website fully operational when they say they will. But, I do have a new frustration that is quickly making it's way up to the top of my list: parking. In the past, parking was the huge advantage NMSU had over UNM. You could always find a spot in a good area. This year, however, the parking situation has totally turned to shit around here. Some mornings I'm on campus before 8 and I still can't get a desired spot. When I come around noon on work days, forget about it. I might as well bring my hiking boots and tent (if I had those things, that is)!

The problem is that they are letting the school get too big, bigger than it can handle. I was disgusted when I read the reports about dorms being overcrowded. That should NEVER happen. Both dorm population, parking, and school admissions are completely controllable. How about some standards about who gets in here, rather than any shlub who can open the door?

Ah well, I can dream... I've decided that I've wasted way too much energy in my life being frustrated with this stuff. It's exhausting and not worth it anymore.

I meant to comment on Mad Men yesterday. I read an article in the NYT that summarizes where this season is going well. It says:

Is it just me or is “Mad Men” slowly
turning into “The Sopranos”? No, the men and women of Sterling Cooper aren’t
violently offing each other or hanging out in seedy New Jersey strip clubs.
(Though an illicit visit to the office roof was almost made this week.) But
increasingly, Matthew Weiner, a former “Sopranos” producer, and his “Mad Men”
writing staff seem to be so enamored with their characters that they are content
to assemble them in potentially interesting settings, let the cameras linger on
them and hope that an interesting scene emerges.

Basically, there is no arch emerging for this season so far and it's true, there isn't. A few things here and there that may portend to things to come, but so far, nothing is really happening. That was my complaint about season 2 of Burn Notice and Mad Men is doing the same thing. Yeah yeah, I know it's a character driven drama, but comon, it still needs to have some sort of story arch.

More on this later...

Thursday August 27

I wasn't entirely sure I'd have time to write here today, my Thursday's are jam packed. I have 4 classes and not a lot of time in-between. I'm done by 4:30, but I'm usually so brain dead by that time I usually just go home and fall into a semi-coma while watching Dexter. Good times.

Lately, though, my Monday's and Wednesday's have been pretty tedious too. At work on Monday I just did data entry and on Wednesday, I finished the data entry, but they didn't really have anything else for me, so they told me to read up on some of the studies the analysis center I work at does... i.e. busy work. I guess busy work is better than super hard work, but I couldn't help but get the notion that the time could have been better spent. I don't go back until Monday, though, so hopefully they will have something for me by then. One study, though, about the NM film industry was pretty interesting and I will have more to say on that one later.

Schoolwise, things are certainly starting to pick up. I have a micro theory homework assignment that has been looming over my head for a few days now, but I'm just now starting to get to it. It took me a few days to accurately remember my calculus and even then I'm not totally sure. Today, I was given an Excel assignment that is due the same day as the micro. I think I need to buy a copy of Excel. Two policies are conflicting here though: one is to stay away from Microsoft as much as possible, but the second is to stay away from campus as much as possible. Yes, the Open Office spreadsheet function is free, but it isn't nearly as good as Excel and doesn't do the math functions in quite the same way. I'm all about efficiency this semester, so I think I need to just buckle down and buy it. Hopefully somebody has it as a stand alone so I don't have to shell out hundreds of bucks for the whole Office program.

Tuesday August 25

I'm really in the thick of it now. I started my new job yesterday, I only work 10 hours a week from 12-5 on Monday and Wednesday, but with my school schedule, that's plenty. I wasn't sure what I was going to be doing when I walked in and when I walked out yesterday, I still couldn't say with certainty what it is I'm actually doing. Yesterday I was just doing data entry for the whole 5 hours. I know, it sounds glamorous, but it was actually quite tedious. Not as bad as scan-pulls at Hastings though, those are tedious beyond compare. From what I could deduce, I'm sort of a free agent, they don't really have me working on any one particular project, rather, just random things from various projects that are already going on. Yeah, I'm moving up in the world.

I was, however, somewhat impressed with myself on the way in this morning. The last few mornings, the freeway has been an absolute bitch, especially the exit that goes to the university. Traffic on the school roads has been terrible too, mostly because of those damn pedestrians who don't like to watch where they are going. I don't recall such a problem last semester and it almost made me late on Thursday. Today, however, I was smarter than the traffic and took all the back roads to get where I needed to go. That is a certain advantage NMSU has over UNM, there are about 4 ways to get anywhere you need to go and if you are smart, you can get places without too much trouble. My commute in wasn't quite an epic success, because I would have liked to have been able to park closer, but I'm not one to complain about NMSU parking, it's a freaking delight compared to UNM.

As I mentioned, my first class got cancelled today which really helps me out a lot, 3 classes as opposed to 4 makes a huge difference.

Monday August 24

When I was on the elliptical runner this morning I happened to catch a quick diet segment where they were discussing the Time article I mentioned a week or so ago that so thoroughly annoyed me, the one that said it might be a myth that exercise is important in weight loss. My contention was, due to the lack of any discussion on metabolism, the article was crap. Thankfully, the Today show contributors seemed to agree with me for the reasons that I stated. Not much, but I would be lying if I said I didn't get at least a little bit of smug satisfaction out of it. They also mentioned something else, something that I already knew but needed to hear again, diet soda could wreck a diet and throw off your appetite. My consumption of diet soda (in all it's variations) has increased exponentially over the last few years, so has my sweet tooth. Obviously they are related and it is definitely something worth thinking about more.

Had a pretty decent weekend, did something that I've never done before and always used to make fun of my brother for doing years ago, went to the movie solo. I wanted to see Inglorious Basterds, but my usual movie partners are hundreds of miles away, so I really had no other options. I wouldn't say it was a bad experience. I've always thought that movies were bad social outings anyway simply because you sit in a dark room and can't talk to each other, but it still never felt quite right being there alone, even if there were other solos. Its something I can get used to and I might make more of a habit of it... or I might not... we'll see how it goes. I've decided to stop making these grand pronouncements about how my life is going to be from now on. I need to learn to take things from moment to moment.

Episode 2 (season 3) of Mad Men last night wasn't a particularly interesting one, rather, I think it was a set-up episode for things that will happen in the future. Two key events: one the date of Roger Sterling's daughter's wedding was revealed to be November 23. I noticed the date and thought it was a bit odd, but the significance didn't hit me until I read about it later, November 23rd is the day that Kennedy was assassinated. That is obviously going to be the key historical event this season and a really, really BAD day to get married.

The second event was the last scene of the episode where the Draper family was at Sally's field day. Would almost seem like a throw away scene, but Don was staring awfully hard at the teacher with somewhat hippyish looks... and feeling around in the grass. I suspect California is on his mind again. Who knows where that will lead.

First day at my job today. I will report back on that later.

Saturday August 22

I did something novel yesterday, an evening workout. I went to the gym at about 7 and as far as I can remember, I have never gone that late before. 5ish maybe, but never 7. I actually had a pretty good workout, which was amazing since I usually don't when I go at times that are out of the ordinary. This was spur of the moment decision that I made when I decided I didn't want to sit at home and feel pathetic on Friday night. Granted, it isn't a GREAT way to spend my Friday night, but its something, right? Right?

A few weeks ago I bought the Firefly series and now that I'm almost done with it, I can say with honesty that it is a fucking crime what they did to that show! Some episodes were just alright, but others were near-brilliant. "Out of Gas", for example, is how a tv show should be done. It's a damn damn shame.

Friday August 21

I suppose I should say a few words about the first day of school: to sum it up, I would say it was alright. Not great, but not terrible.

The day started off kind of strange. I made a complete and total time miscalculation and was very nearly late to class the first day. I didn't quite anticipate the line of traffic being backed up from the school all the way to the off-ramp. Good thing I know the back ways and exactly where I was going or I would have been really, really late. I should have known better, but hey, sometimes I'm not as smart as I pretend to be.

Of course it ultimately didn't matter, the professor was late himself, which knowing what I know about this guy, didn't surprise me at all. Just another day at the NMSU grad school, right? After going to all the classes, though, I concluded 3 things:

first: only one of my classes should involve a serious amount of work. This is good because my schedule is going to be a little more pressed as it is, but I still think it's going to get fairly busy due simply to the fact that I have 4 classes this semester and a job.

two: probably won't know for sure if I made the right decision about switching concentrations until the end of the semester, at which point, it will probably be too late. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.

three: still haven't been able to get an accurate read on my classmates. I don't know if they think I'm some joke weirdo or.... uh.... something better? I don't know. Maybe I will never know.

Thursday August 20

Some people just never learn from their mistakes and by some people, I mean Congressional Democrats. Rich Lowry said it on Fox yesterday and I totally agree, they are making the same mistake with health care that they made several years ago with Clinton's plan, ramming too much too quickly down the throats of Americans. Different tactically yes, but the same basic problem.

What is this fascination some people have with trying to change the world over night? One of America's finest qualities, I think, is that it doesn't respond well to rapid change. Slow, steady change is the way to go, and make it much more likely to stick long-term . What they should have done, and what I mistakenly thought they were going to do, is do a health care overhaul piece by piece and before people realize, bang, socialized medicine. But I think I give those morons in Congress too much credit. I used to think that it took some sort of special intelligence to be a high ranking official with our government, but now I realize that the truly smart people stay out of that business completely.

Like they say, politics is Hollywood for ugly people.

But enough of that, more practically, I start school here in a few hours. I only have class on Tuesday and Thursday, 4 classes each day, and I'm starting to think that it might be a mistake to try and cram so much into one day. Not that I had that much choice, mind you, but I probably could have found a way around it.

A nice thing about it, though, is that it gives me a good, solid, block of time for my new job, which I got the run down on yesterday. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to be doing, but it's in the policy analysis center, so I assume I'm going to be doing..... uh...... policy analysis? I met my boss (although I use the term loosely, he looks to be about 26 haha) and set my schedule and now everything seems to be rolling.

I think part of the reason I was in such a pissy mood the other night was the uncertainty of the new semester. See what a little bit of anxiety does to me? But now that things are a bit more clear, I feel pumped, primed and ready to take on the world.

Tuesday August 18 part II

Fall 2009.... The List

1) Clean up this fucking disgrace of an apartment

2) Get my fat ass to lose some weight... a goal of sub-200 by the end of the semester

3) A new wardrobe... I fucking hate everything I own

4) Cut soda consumption in half.... my teeth are stained and eventhough it's mostly diet, I don't think that much can be good for me

5) Read two books a month

6) Send fewer bitchy emo texts to people about how pathetic I am

Tuesday August 18

Been longer than I thought since I've written in here. I should stop trying to force it and just do it whenever I feel like, but I always feel the need to have some sort of consistent schedule when writing in the blog.

Anyway, a busy few days:

The big news, first of all, is that I'm back in Las Cruces to start the new semester. I had a fairly easy trip down and stopped in Albuquerque for a few hours and saw an old friend of mine from UNM that I haven't seen in years. Our relationship was almost becoming a joke in that we text each other almost every day, yet, never saw each other, even when we lived in the same town. Such is the nature of 21st century friendship, I guess.

My last few days in Farmington were fairly eventful, seeing people and whatnot. We had a minor crisis on Sunday morning when we realized the basement had some water damage. This is probably the 4th or 5th flood we've had down there and having to haul some water damaged stuff out to the dump was not quite how I wanted to spend my last day in Farmington, but I guess it's better than being a lazy bum.... which I did on Saturday. My mom took the whole thing less than heroically, but that is her nature. The flood combined with one of my brothers leaving for the first time caused nearly a full-scale nervous breakdown, although the rest of us suspect that my brother leaving played a much larger part. She'll be ok though.... I hope anyway.

Friday August 14

Had a pretty fun day yesterday. Hastings was chosen (right word?) to work the concession stand for the local bigtimeevent baseball game last night and I was volunteered by the store manager to work in it. I've worked in a concession stand before. No big deal there. It was kind of fun to work with my co-workers in a different setting. I could have, however, done without the snootiness of the regular workers who mocked my inability to know the price of frito pies off the top of my head. I'm sure they couldn't tell you the price of a movie (with tax) off our best renter wall either.

We got out about 9:45 and I was tempted to just go home, but I was badgered into going to the bowling ally to hang out with a few people afterward. I had a drink, which was strange, because a lot of these people had never seen me drink before. I also bowled, which was fun, and I'm glad to know that I STILL suck at bowling. All-in-all, I'm glad I went.

For some strange reason yesterday, in my idle moments, I was reading my mom's Time magazine and read two interesting articles. The first was the review of Amy Adam's new movie Julie and Julia. A somewhat uninteresting review as a whole, but had this little nugget:

There are the memoirists like Child who write about what made them famous, or infamous. There are unremarkable people who write about a remarkable thing that happened to them. And there is the 21st century memoirist who makes him or herself interesting in order to write about it.

So, so true. This is sort of the peril of the Internet age. On one hand, anybody willing to do something stupid can become famous. On the other hand, ANYBODY WILLING TO DO SOMETHING STUPID CAN BECOME FAMOUS. Oh, what a world.

The second article was the cover story "The Myth About Exercise". What they basically did here was cram 3 paragraphs worth of story into about 5 pages. The basic idea is that heavy exercise may be counter productive to weight loss because it causes us to eat more afterwards. Like oh so many popular magazine stories, this one seems to get the facts right, but misses the point entirely. Not once during this whole article was the word metabolism used. It even used that old canard about how if you eat ____ (in this case, a muffin) you would need to do ____ minutes of ____ exercise. That may be true as far as it goes, but without bringing metabolism into account, which is increased by physical activity, you are totally missing a huge part of the equation. People who work out a lot burn more calories in the course of everything they do, not just the work out itself.

Thursday August 13

I keep telling myself to do this in the morning or else I will run out of steam and not do it at all. That's what Success Magazine told me, anyway. Get the creative juices flowing early. It does seem that I think of a lot more crazy shit when I write in the blog in the morning as opposed to the afternoon, but I was so groggy when I woke up this morning, who the hec knows what I would have written.

I'm feeling old. I'm tired, my body aches and worst of all, I really have nothing to show for it. If I was busting my ass in the gym, like I am, and having it take a toll on my body, but I still looked great, it would be worth it. I don't though. My weight hasn't dropped a pound. Maybe I'm a little leaner, I don't know, but certainly not enough for it to be worth it. My eating habits have been the problem. Always have been, especially when I'm at home and don't usually do my own cooking. That's the one thing I'm almost kinda sorta looking forward too when I get back to Cruces on Monday, having an easier time modifying my eating habits.

190, that's my goal. My arms are looking pretty lean, and that's good, but I still have a flabby stomach. I guess pizza, Chinese food and Taco Bell will do that to you.

I watched two movies yesterday, I Love You, Man and Fragments (aka Winged Creatures). The first one was pretty funny, the second I'm not sure I understand. Fragments had two Oscar winners and another nominee yet it was kind of an uninteresting movie. Forest Whitaker has made some strange post-Oscar choices, but he's trying, and thankfully hasn't yet gone down the Cuba Gooding Jr. road to oblivion.

Wednesday August 12

Didn't write a blog entry yesterday. I didn't have much to say, but the real reason was that I just didn't want to. Been working too hard lately, tired and grumpy. Work hasn't been too bad though, less stressful. I think it's because I'm squarely in the "I'm leaving soon, I don't give a fuck" mood. Strange place to be. I've quit jobs before, but I don't think I've ever felt that way at any of the other ones. Perhaps that's a good sign that my days at Hastings are done for good this time.

Oh well. Onward and upward, right?

You know what would be cool? To own a deli. I was watching this show on the Travel channel last night, which was a big mistake, btw, it just made me really hungry, and if you have a good one, you can make tons of money. But what do I know about sandwiches, right? Pipe dream Brian pipe dream.

Had a discussion at Starbucks yesterday about the futility of thinking too hard about the future. If I had to guess, I would say that roughly 10% of our lives are under our direct control. Things happen to us and we have to operate around or within that structure of the universe. What's the point of worrying so much about the future when it will, by and large, take care of itself?

Monday August 10

A close then open the next day is always kind of a bitch. Everything always starts out good, but around 12 or 1, the fatigue sinks in and I start to get grumpy. Yesterday, though, while tired, everything went pretty smoothly. I did have this group, whom I call the moron brigade, come in and sell us more videos. They all look straight out of Gangland and act like a bunch of damned idiots while in our store. One, the guy who seems to be the leader, openly admitted he was out on parole. Another said he went to (alternative school for bad kids) High School. I'm not sure what the 3rd ones story is, but I'm sure he's done something. The brigade curses in our store (loudly), is boorish and, what annoys me the most, deliberately sets off our alarms over and over again. Ugh.

Later that evening I went and was G.I. Joe. I knew it was going to be bad, and it was, really, really bad. So bad, in fact, that it was almost entertaining. Almost. People in the audience were certainly laughing, but NOT because it was funny. The plot was stupid, the premise more so, the characters were horribly undeveloped and the dialogue was terrible. So naturally, it will make millions of dollars and have 2 or 3 sequels.

Sunday August 9

The close in books last night went pretty smoothly. Saturday nights can sometimes be a strange thing down at the store, we usually aren't as busy as we are on Friday night, rather, it's steadier through the whole day. However, the crowd on Saturday is always a really late one. Especially in my magazine section. They come in around 10-10:30 and seem to forget where they picked up a magazine just two minutes before and simply put it wherever they were standing at the time. Nice. Thanks.

I decided to chance my approach this time around. The way I usually close the department is doing magazines last, but I always end up in a grumpy mood that way. I decided this time, however, to do the super tedious stuff, and the stuff that is usually in the worst shape, first. It didn't really make any time difference, as I got out the same time I usually do, but saving the easiest stuff for last is probably the best way to do it.

That, and I decided I don't really care anymore how good my close is. That's always been part of my problem, I let perfect be the enemy of good. I figure if the book manager is going to have a problem with my close regardless of how good it is, what's the point of even trying to do it perfect?

I watched one movie yesterday, The Counterfeiters, the 2007 Best Foreign Picture winner at the Oscars. I walked right into this trap. I didn't really read the description before I got it and when I started to watch it I found out that it was......... wait for it......... a Nazi movie. The fact that Nazi movies, almost regardless of quality, are considered serious Oscar contenders right out of the gate is one of the most annoying things the Academy does. The Reader? Best Picture? Yuck. Anyway, this one wasn't too bad, certainly an interesting piece of history and an interesting moral dilemma... you are a Jewish counterfeiter, a master, and the only way to stay alive is by counterfeiting foreign currency, which also finances the Nazi war effort. What do you do? The movie was alright as far as it goes, but I somehow doubt that is the best foreign film they could have come up with.

I'm about to go to work again. Those close then open can be a bitch and by 12 or 1 I'm a total crab. All of my epic customer service fails, in fact, have been after I had opened that day after closing the previous. Crossing fingers for a smooth day today. But then again, I still don't care, so I don't foresee any problems.