Sunday May 30

Morning blog:

Yesterday started out like a lot of other recent days, full of anxiety with a twist of frustration. But then I took a step back and asked myself "why?". I used to be of the philosophy that things happen the way they happen and we, as people, are largely just along for the ride. In fact, my dad surprised me a few days ago when he told me that he believed the same thing. Weird hearing that coming from him because I never took him as a guy who believed much beyond this world.

While I often relapse, I still believe it is true. I'm not completely in control of my own life and I should stop getting frustrated when things happen that are beyond my control.

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Read an interesting journal entry by Roger Ebert earlier today. He wrote about frission, which is a French word for a "a brief intense reaction, usually a feeling of excitement, recognition, or terror." and how our brains in the internet age have become re-wired to seek frission rather than longer-term projects that require more focus and attention, yet provide a more lasting sense of satisfaction (like a book). I've noticed this in myself. Lately I've found that books don't really have much interest for me. Whereas it could take me a few days read a book, I could finish a movie in an hour-and-a-half or read a tweet in a few seconds and get the same sort of emotional response. Such a response is more fleeting, of course, but does that really matter? Is one sort of response better than another?

Saturday May 29

Morning blog:

I've been feeling a bit stressed lately. Part of the reason is that I'm not quite where I thought I would be in life right now. I really, really thought that I'd have a job by the time I left Cruces. It didn't happen that way and I need to learn to deal with it. Large chunks of idle time of never been that good for me. I tend to go a little crazy.

When it comes to this stress and confidence question, I ultimately I need to ask myself why. What's the point of feeling this kind of pressure? Things are going to happen how they are going to happen and there isn't that much you can do about it. I cannot control how other people will act, only how I react.

I was thinking for a little bit that I may try and get my job back at Hastings during my off time. It will give me something to do, at least, was the thinking. But I've been going back and forth on this. A part of me just thinks I should enjoy the free time because I may never have it again in my life.

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Some Thoughts on Confidence

Morning blog:

I've been on a bit of a roller coaster lately. Not that anything necessarily has been happening in my life, but maybe that's the problem, nothing at all has been happening (job wise, personally things have been happening, but more on that later). In and of itself that isn't really a bad thing, but it has given me a lot of time to think and when I start thinking, sometimes bad things happen.

The key word is confidence. I simply don't have any and it is really starting to become a problem. I've spent the vast majority of my life thinking I was a loser who isn't worth anybody's time and that is a hard habit to break. How does one even begin building themselves up again?

To me, the most important part of confidence is being comfortable with who you are. For too long I've had this notion that I need to impress people and change to who they want me to be just so they can like me. That's not strong and confident. It's weak and pathetic because in the end, not only can the person you are trying to impress see right through it, but you end up only more stressed out yourself because you are constantly worried about if you've changed enough.

Bottom line is this: you should be happy with who you are and not try to change to fit other's needs. A little change isn't bad, but personalities are what they are.

Expectations vs. Reality

I think I expected too much. All last semester I had the idea firmly implanted into my brain that I was going to have a job as soon as the school let out. I had some nibbles and I was really close a few times, but here it is, the end of the semester and I still haven't found anything. I've had some really wild fluctuations in mood lately and it's all due to this expectations-reality disconnect.

In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't a huge deal. I'll find something and knowing how things always seems to work out for me in the end, something better than I could have ever imagined. But the waiting is just brutal. I think some people just aren't wired to sit around and wait for things, and perhaps that's how I am too.

Lots of free time hasn't been my friend, but perhaps we should learn to tolerate each other a little more.

Random Thoughts for a Tuesday Evening

I'm starting to fall off the wagon again (or is it on?). It's inevitable, when things start to become confused in my life, I always turn back to my drug of choice, food. I've basically been eating non-stop since I left Las Cruces a week and a half ago. I don't know how much weight I've gained, and I've been too afraid to look.

Eating is one of those things that often has little to do with hunger. In my case, I think it's the symptom of some deeper psychological issue. I really feel that I don't have the control over my life that I once did. I'm done with school, put in many applications and resumes and now I just have to wait. The uncertainty is a killer for me and when my general sense of anxiety starts to rise, I start eating again.

I could kid myself and say that it's related to my moving back home for a while, but I won't kid myself, I just have no self-control and I can easily imagine me un-doing all my gains from the previous few months in just a few weeks. At the very least, I should get back in the gym...

A Lame Title for a Blog About My Time at NMSU...

I recently finished my Master's degree at NMSU

As some of you may know, the NMSU economics program was not my first choice. Originally, coming out of college, my plan was to do the Community/Regional Planning program at UNM, a program that did not require the GRE for admission. Since I didn't want to take the GRE for a back-up school, and since NMSU graduate school didn't require it, it seemed like a perfectly natural 2nd best. After strong family resistance to my top choice, I decided to go ahead and go to NMSU.

Me and Las Cruces have a rather long and tangled history. The first time I was there, right out of high school, I was miserable and couldn't wait to leave. I would say this time around my feelings towards LC have improved, although only slightly. I still hate that place. My feelings aren't entirely rational, maybe some petty complaints about traffic, but it's largely just due to bad memories and some personal wounds that never totally healed. I have never felt that I belonged in LC the way I have in either Farmington or Albuquerque, like I was always a mere carpetbagger.

I started out at NMSU in the policy analysis concentration, and while interesting, I figured that the career prospects were better in the regulatory economics program. I think I made a good choice as far as concentrations go. Of course, I still don't have a job, but I haven't been completely lacking in success in the job market. I've had a few interviews and have gotten close a few times. It's simply been a matter of things not quite coming together (more on this later).

I had two jobs at NMSU, one as a research assistant for a professor and another one working as a researcher at the Arrowhead Center. These were both very good jobs and I'm glad I had them. The pay was good and the work was, for the most part, interesting. While things did get boring from time to time, it certainly beats grading papers and fielding questions from idiotic undergraduate students.

So I'd have to conclude, overall, my time at NMSU was positive, although it definitely had it's ups and downs.

Return of Mellow

Over the last month-and-a-half I pretty much lost my mellow. Yes, I had a lot of external help, job interviews, my oral exam, papers and projects being due, but true mellow is not about things that happen to you, rather, how you react to them. I just simply lost my commitment. But I think it's found again.

For one, I've de-cluttered. I don't know if they have proven this scientifically, but mess causes stress. I'm preparing to move again, so naturally, a lot of de-cluttering is necessary. Typically, I've just shuffled crap from one area to another, but I've committed myself to throwing a bunch of unnecessary stuff this time. It's amazing the stuff I've kept, books and research papers from 4 years ago! That's all gone now. It's amazing what a difference a cleaner house can make. Not just a shuffle from one area to another, but a true de-clutter.

I think I'm also developing a new outlook on the whole job search thing. It was stressing me out for a while. Why? I have no idea. I know this in my mind, but it is hard for the rest of my body to remember, but things really do happen in their due course. Sometimes it may take a while, and the company (whichever one) may not call me today, or tomorrow, or the next day, but they will call eventually. Just wait and let things unfold.