Wednesday April 29

I was clearing out some of my old myspace emails yesterday and it really hit home how much I have changed. My thought patterns were so negative back then. Frankly, I didn't see how anybody could stand to be friends with me. I deleted most of them, but I should have kept them simply for the record.... no matter how many of my old habits remain, my life is 100x's better now than it was then.

Today was kind of a weird day.... ever have one of those where the morning is so entierly different from the afternoon? This morning was AWFUL. I had those damn NMSU guys pestering me about the job thing, my internet was out and what I really, really wanted for lunch was sold out... Thankfully, Quiznos saved the day and everything after that was great. I had a real productive afternoon.

Monday April 27

* Another day, another hysteria. In the midst of the HIV, hantavirus , Y2K, bird flu, anthrax, swome flu you have to wonder what the limit of human fear is? Is it really that easy to work people up into a frenzy?

Had a pretty decent day today. I was going to finish up some stuff for the last week of school, but I figured that for my sanity, I needed to take it easy today. I did some cleaning and decided, once and for all, to ditch the sham-wow. What a piece of junk that thing is. I prefer my paper towels. I also did some laundry... funny thing there, when I went to get my stuff out of the dryer, it wasn't there. The guy who was there thought that it was his roomate's and folded it and put it in a bag.... no big deal... at least I caught it before he took it home and I got my laundry folded for me... sweet.

I also came to realization today, when it comes to friendship, neediness doesn't work. Some of the biggest mistakes I've made in my relationships have come from the fact that I was too clingy, I whined too much, and I took every slight as a grave personal offense. You shouldn't have to work at friendships, nor should you feel bad when that person doesn't give you exactly what you want whenever you want it. One should be more comfortable spending time with themselves and not need people's approval all the time.

Friends...

What is it sometimes with these people we call our "friends"? They treat us worse than our enemies ever would.

There are certain people in my life that I just don't enjoy being around anymore. These "friends" that do nothing but take advantage of me and stomp all over me because they know that I'm loyal to a fault and will love them anyways....

No more....

I can't take the betrayle and the bad feelings...

So to all of you who treat me poorly and still wish to call me a friend, I bid you farewell.

Friday April 24

More words of inspiration from the great Larry Winget.... a daily affirmation:

THIS DAY

This day, I thankfully accept all of the good things that are coming my way. This day is full of excitement, love, energy, health, and prosperity. This day, people are calling on me to be of service to them and I respond by giving them my very best. This day, I think and practice health in my life, refusing to accept anything less than perfect health. This day, I accept the abundance and prosperity that is mine and willingly share it with others. This day, I focus on the moment and give no thought to the past or future. This day, I spend the total enjoyment of what I do. This day, I fill with loving thoughts and actions toward all the other people and myself. This day, I spend in grateful appreciation of all that is mine. This day, this hour, this minute, this moment is all that I have and I choose to use it in celebration

Wednesday April 22

I figured I had better write this entry early or it will get lost in the shuffle that is the last two weeks of school....

That entry I wrote on Monday, and the two poems that I posted, has still stuck with me. I have a rather obsessive personality at times and the caffeine consumption does NOT help. My stupid gmail notifier isn't good for me either and causes me to obsess over my email. Neither are healthy for me, so for the last two days I've been working really hard on cutting back on both. I've had some success, but I'm not sure how long it will be until both become habits. 30 days is an awfully long time...

I've been having goofy dreams again. I used to have them on an almost nightly basis, but haven't had them consistently for over a year now. The last two nights, however, they have returned. Monday night was a doozy involving me working for Hitler at my grandma's house in Milwaukee (hint: she doesn't live there) and having to bake him cookies every night. I'm not sure where to even begin to interpret that one.

The one I had last night I guess you could consider normal. I was here on campus, napping under a tree, when a person I knew in elementary school through high school, somebody I hadn't seen in a very very long time and never even went here came up to me and apologized for all the bad things she did to me in jr. high. The tricky part is that this person never even did anything to me... ever... what was she apologizing for?

Monday April 20

My postings have been a little scant lately, largely because I've been real busy with the end of the semester wheelings and dealings, but also, I've just really had nothing to say. I did, however, post two things to the myspace blog this weekend.

First, and interesting little internet letter I picked up from one of Larry
Winget's books:

IF...
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be
cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring
people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be
grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to
give you any
time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out
on you when through
no fault of yours, something goes wrong.
If you can
take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can resist treating a
rich friend better than a poor friend,If you
can face the world without lies
and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can
relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you
can honestly say that deep in your heart that you have no prejudice
against
creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,

Then you
have reached the same level of development as your dog.

This one struck me as in a particular way because I have so completely out of control with my bad habits lately.

One particular obsession casued me to write this poem....

It's the first thing I think about when I wake
up
the last thing I think about before
bed
the object of many
thoughts in between

It has put the world at my fingertips
yet made it impossible to escape it

It has given me constant companionship
yet made it impossible for me to be alone with
myself

It has provided me loads of information
yet much of it is false

It has given me an outlet for expressing
myself
yet has never forced me to look deeply at who I
am

Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Blogspot, online forums..... all this
friendship.....
yet I frequently still feel alone

The source of my obsessions
yet a collection point of everything I hold
dear

Can I live without it?

I have more to say on these issues, but it will have to wait for another entry

Saturday April 18

I had a dream a few nights ago, a vivid one in which my hair was falling out again. Like it did when I was on chemo.  I don't remember if cancer was specifically the reason my hair was falling out, but frankly, I'm not sure what else it could be. 

I still think about cancer. Not a day goes by when it doesn't cross my mind again in some form or another. I don't really worry too much about it coming back, but the dream tells me one thing.... the thought is somewhere in the back of my mind. It's as if being a cancer survivor has come to define me. I guess that's not surprising since its the only noteworthy thing I've done in my whole life. 

It stares me in the face every single day.... the lump of skin where my left testicle used to be.... the scar on the right side of my chest.... the beanie that was bought for me when my hair stared to fall out... the PET scan report that still sits on my desk... the Lance Armstrong braclet I wear.... the braclets other people wear... the oncologist's card in my wallet... the people that I've impressed with my story.... it's everywhere and it's not going away.