Sunday May 30

Morning blog:

Yesterday started out like a lot of other recent days, full of anxiety with a twist of frustration. But then I took a step back and asked myself "why?". I used to be of the philosophy that things happen the way they happen and we, as people, are largely just along for the ride. In fact, my dad surprised me a few days ago when he told me that he believed the same thing. Weird hearing that coming from him because I never took him as a guy who believed much beyond this world.

While I often relapse, I still believe it is true. I'm not completely in control of my own life and I should stop getting frustrated when things happen that are beyond my control.

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Read an interesting journal entry by Roger Ebert earlier today. He wrote about frission, which is a French word for a "a brief intense reaction, usually a feeling of excitement, recognition, or terror." and how our brains in the internet age have become re-wired to seek frission rather than longer-term projects that require more focus and attention, yet provide a more lasting sense of satisfaction (like a book). I've noticed this in myself. Lately I've found that books don't really have much interest for me. Whereas it could take me a few days read a book, I could finish a movie in an hour-and-a-half or read a tweet in a few seconds and get the same sort of emotional response. Such a response is more fleeting, of course, but does that really matter? Is one sort of response better than another?

Saturday May 29

Morning blog:

I've been feeling a bit stressed lately. Part of the reason is that I'm not quite where I thought I would be in life right now. I really, really thought that I'd have a job by the time I left Cruces. It didn't happen that way and I need to learn to deal with it. Large chunks of idle time of never been that good for me. I tend to go a little crazy.

When it comes to this stress and confidence question, I ultimately I need to ask myself why. What's the point of feeling this kind of pressure? Things are going to happen how they are going to happen and there isn't that much you can do about it. I cannot control how other people will act, only how I react.

I was thinking for a little bit that I may try and get my job back at Hastings during my off time. It will give me something to do, at least, was the thinking. But I've been going back and forth on this. A part of me just thinks I should enjoy the free time because I may never have it again in my life.

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Some Thoughts on Confidence

Morning blog:

I've been on a bit of a roller coaster lately. Not that anything necessarily has been happening in my life, but maybe that's the problem, nothing at all has been happening (job wise, personally things have been happening, but more on that later). In and of itself that isn't really a bad thing, but it has given me a lot of time to think and when I start thinking, sometimes bad things happen.

The key word is confidence. I simply don't have any and it is really starting to become a problem. I've spent the vast majority of my life thinking I was a loser who isn't worth anybody's time and that is a hard habit to break. How does one even begin building themselves up again?

To me, the most important part of confidence is being comfortable with who you are. For too long I've had this notion that I need to impress people and change to who they want me to be just so they can like me. That's not strong and confident. It's weak and pathetic because in the end, not only can the person you are trying to impress see right through it, but you end up only more stressed out yourself because you are constantly worried about if you've changed enough.

Bottom line is this: you should be happy with who you are and not try to change to fit other's needs. A little change isn't bad, but personalities are what they are.

Expectations vs. Reality

I think I expected too much. All last semester I had the idea firmly implanted into my brain that I was going to have a job as soon as the school let out. I had some nibbles and I was really close a few times, but here it is, the end of the semester and I still haven't found anything. I've had some really wild fluctuations in mood lately and it's all due to this expectations-reality disconnect.

In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't a huge deal. I'll find something and knowing how things always seems to work out for me in the end, something better than I could have ever imagined. But the waiting is just brutal. I think some people just aren't wired to sit around and wait for things, and perhaps that's how I am too.

Lots of free time hasn't been my friend, but perhaps we should learn to tolerate each other a little more.

Random Thoughts for a Tuesday Evening

I'm starting to fall off the wagon again (or is it on?). It's inevitable, when things start to become confused in my life, I always turn back to my drug of choice, food. I've basically been eating non-stop since I left Las Cruces a week and a half ago. I don't know how much weight I've gained, and I've been too afraid to look.

Eating is one of those things that often has little to do with hunger. In my case, I think it's the symptom of some deeper psychological issue. I really feel that I don't have the control over my life that I once did. I'm done with school, put in many applications and resumes and now I just have to wait. The uncertainty is a killer for me and when my general sense of anxiety starts to rise, I start eating again.

I could kid myself and say that it's related to my moving back home for a while, but I won't kid myself, I just have no self-control and I can easily imagine me un-doing all my gains from the previous few months in just a few weeks. At the very least, I should get back in the gym...

A Lame Title for a Blog About My Time at NMSU...

I recently finished my Master's degree at NMSU

As some of you may know, the NMSU economics program was not my first choice. Originally, coming out of college, my plan was to do the Community/Regional Planning program at UNM, a program that did not require the GRE for admission. Since I didn't want to take the GRE for a back-up school, and since NMSU graduate school didn't require it, it seemed like a perfectly natural 2nd best. After strong family resistance to my top choice, I decided to go ahead and go to NMSU.

Me and Las Cruces have a rather long and tangled history. The first time I was there, right out of high school, I was miserable and couldn't wait to leave. I would say this time around my feelings towards LC have improved, although only slightly. I still hate that place. My feelings aren't entirely rational, maybe some petty complaints about traffic, but it's largely just due to bad memories and some personal wounds that never totally healed. I have never felt that I belonged in LC the way I have in either Farmington or Albuquerque, like I was always a mere carpetbagger.

I started out at NMSU in the policy analysis concentration, and while interesting, I figured that the career prospects were better in the regulatory economics program. I think I made a good choice as far as concentrations go. Of course, I still don't have a job, but I haven't been completely lacking in success in the job market. I've had a few interviews and have gotten close a few times. It's simply been a matter of things not quite coming together (more on this later).

I had two jobs at NMSU, one as a research assistant for a professor and another one working as a researcher at the Arrowhead Center. These were both very good jobs and I'm glad I had them. The pay was good and the work was, for the most part, interesting. While things did get boring from time to time, it certainly beats grading papers and fielding questions from idiotic undergraduate students.

So I'd have to conclude, overall, my time at NMSU was positive, although it definitely had it's ups and downs.

Return of Mellow

Over the last month-and-a-half I pretty much lost my mellow. Yes, I had a lot of external help, job interviews, my oral exam, papers and projects being due, but true mellow is not about things that happen to you, rather, how you react to them. I just simply lost my commitment. But I think it's found again.

For one, I've de-cluttered. I don't know if they have proven this scientifically, but mess causes stress. I'm preparing to move again, so naturally, a lot of de-cluttering is necessary. Typically, I've just shuffled crap from one area to another, but I've committed myself to throwing a bunch of unnecessary stuff this time. It's amazing the stuff I've kept, books and research papers from 4 years ago! That's all gone now. It's amazing what a difference a cleaner house can make. Not just a shuffle from one area to another, but a true de-clutter.

I think I'm also developing a new outlook on the whole job search thing. It was stressing me out for a while. Why? I have no idea. I know this in my mind, but it is hard for the rest of my body to remember, but things really do happen in their due course. Sometimes it may take a while, and the company (whichever one) may not call me today, or tomorrow, or the next day, but they will call eventually. Just wait and let things unfold.

Adventures in Denver

Yet another spoke on the job interview wheel....

The day from hell (DFH) started before the actual day of the interview even began. My mind was racing and I just could not go to sleep. It's understandable, but befor all my other interviews, I slept great.

The second part of DFH was getting to the airport in Durango, CO. To say it's in the middle of nowhere is putting a nice spin on it, it's really much more than that, it's in the middle of...... um.... something further than nowhere. I've been there before, the route is poorly signed. I decided to rely on the Tom-Tom, but of course that failed as well. It turned me off the highway three times before the actual turn.

Eventually, I found the airport. But naturally, there decided to be a snowstorm that day in Denver and my flight out was delayed by an hour. There wasn't really a set time for the interview, just whenever I got there, but still, it was just another bullshit hassle. About the time, however, I realized that the delay is actually a good thing (less time at the actual interview), we took off.

The weather in Denver held up for the flight, but, of course, it started snowing when I landed and the car rental place was packed. I've never been to Denver before, so not only did I have to navigate through a huge city I've never been in, but I also had to do it with snow and ice on the ground, in a rental car. Great, right? And of course the interview was nowhere close to the Denver airport and all the way across town.

Then, of course, there is the interview process itself. It was an odd mix of formal questions and informal chit-chat. If I were an interviewer, I'd find the informal stuff much more enlightening. Frankly, the formal stuff is bullshit. It's basically the same questions over and over again and if you do it often enough, it's re-gurgitated and practiced. Not a lot you can learn from that. But overall, I think they had a good process because there was plenty of informal stuff.

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful but I was hella tired by the time I got home.

Masters Oral Exam

One of the most unpleasant things a masters student at NMSU has to look forward to is the Masters Final Examination, or colloquially know as the oral exam. It's a pretty mind bending process. Basically, you stand in front of a group of 4 or 5 professors and answer whatever questions they may have for you.

It's exactly a horrid a process as it sounds and one of the most intimidating situations a student could be in. As a student you do NOT have the tactical advantage. The key, however, to survival of the oral exam is advance planning. You first have to plan which professors you want on your committee and it requires a lot more strategy then you might imagine. Not only do you have to find professors that you've worked with, but you also have to find those that your sure won't be too rigorous. A generally pleasant personality helps too. Because let's face it, a lot of professors are prickly and if they are in asshole in everyday interactions, they will be in the oral exam too. I thought a lot about this and I think I selected the perfect mix. The ideal professor would be one who is familiar with your work, but has never really called you to task on it. This may seem like a wussy way to do it, but sometimes it's about surviving, not thriving.

The second thing is to not be afraid to ask possible subjects. Each time I did, they were very forthcoming, and since I did this about a month in advance, I was able to study the hell out of those subjects before the exam. I pretty much had it all down cold. Professors, in a lot of ways, are like sharks. They can smell fear and panic in the water. Because I clearly knew what I was talking about, they really didn't press me on a lot of issues and kept it very, very simple. Seems counter intuitive, but the better you do, the easier they are.

So, all in all, it was about a good of an experience as it could have been.

Control Freak

Don't you find it difficult when you have to wait on people to do things for you?

I think it's a matter of control. I've been trying lately to not be so bothered by the fact that sometimes, things are just out of my hands. Maybe I'm a control freak who would be the worst kind of micro-manager, but even the very act of delegating allows a certain degree of control.

I mention this because a lot of things that happen (and will happen) between now and the end of the semester are beyond my control.

I can't control when employers call me.

I can't control when Dr. XYZ gets back to me about this or that assignment.

I can't control what XYZ will ask for my orals exam.

I can't control when and what kind of assignments ABC will give me at work and when and how they want them done.

In general, I'm unsure that I even control 90% of the course of my life. I probably don't and I find it extremely unnerving. One of the first things they teach you at church is that you have to give up a certain degree of control to God and trust that he will lead you down the right path. Sounds good conceptually, but I have to tell ya, It's very hard to do.

Patience is a Virtue.... One I Do Not Have

I've discovered what the hardest part of the job search process is, not going insane waiting for people to call. It's hurry up and wait philosophy in the worst possible way. You're excited when you send the application in and you think to yourself "this.... this is the job for me."

Time goes by.....

Nothing.

You finally get an interview and say to yourself "I know I'm close on this one. I just know it"

Time goes by.....

Nothing.

Eventually you realize that a few months have passed and you really aren't in any different a position than when you started. It's not so much the case with me, but with a lot of people who are searching for jobs they have, literally, nothing else to do. All you can do is wait and it's excruciating.

I've gone through periods where I have been driving myself nuts just waiting for the phone to ring. Usually when I stop thinking about it, that's when they call. Go figure, eh?

Well, all you can do is wait sometimes.

Jobs blah

This week I was confronted with the dilemma that anybody who posts their personal journal online faces. How much of yourself do you share? In most cases, this isn't a huge issue because people who regularly read this blog know that I can be a bit moody so my emo or political rants don't really come as a surprise to anybody.

One area, however, where a little more caution needs to be shown is with my job search. There are two reasons for this. One, some of my classmates (i.e. the competition) may read the blog. I post a few of the entries on facebook, so people are aware of it. I don't know if any of them do read it or not, but who knows, right? Not that I mind the competition per-se, I just don't like the discussion. The reason I did or didn't apply for that job is my own and I hate having to justify it, if that makes any sense, which it probably doesn't.

The second reason is that future employers may read it. Yeah, it's a stretch, but I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't post stuff anywhere on the internet and not expect people to see it. You see it happening all the time.

Maybe once things are a little more certain, I'll post more about that subject on the blog.

One Step Back Two Steps Forward

It's been the story of my life for the past few years, something awful happens, then, almost instantly, something really great follows right behind it, often better than the first thing. It's one step back, but two steps forward.

The most obvious example of this was my cancer diagnosis. About the most awful news a person could hear, right? But from that terrible experience an abundance of awesomeness has sprouted and nearly everything in my life from that point forward has been pushing me in a more positive direction. Because of this, I was kept in town for about 6 months longer than I had originally planned and during that time I solidified my relationships with some really great people, people I would have probably never known that well (and possibly forgotten) had it not been for that extra time. Cancer won't always be in your body, but good relationships can leave a lasting impression.

I mention this because of some new, and interesting, developments in my job search. A few weeks ago I was feeling really bummed because a few of my early prospects had fallen through and I was about out of ideas. On a whim, I checked the website of a place I really wanted to work, one that hadn't been hiring, and saw that they had an opening. That's all I'm going to say right now because it isn't a done deal yet, but everything seems almost too perfect for it not to be meant to be. It really has fit the pattern of my recent life.

It's true, we are all on a path to something and along the way God leaves both opportunities and obstacles and often times, they are one and the same.

Jobs jobs jobs

I'm starting to think that I've made some bad career choices....

As all of you (or almost all of you) know, I'm a graduate student in economics who is going to have his master's degree in May. That's all fine and dandy, right? Well, maybe not. I'm starting to find that the MA in economics might not be the most marketable degree, especially the way I've gone about it.

Well, let me back up a bit. I think the trouble may not be with the degree per-se, but my concentration. Last year I decided to go with regulatory economics because I was under the impression that the job market was good and that I would be able to find something pretty easily. That is not completely panning out how I had planned. Very few public utilities seem to be hiring for these positions and the ones that I've applied to, so far zilch.

State agencies do seem to be hiring people for jobs, but there are two huge conditions. One, every single one of them is paid for with ARRA (i.e. stimulus) funding and nobody seems to know how long those jobs are going to even exist once they are given. Second, a lot of these jobs are going to require a pretty substantial move on my part and frankly, I don't know if I care enough about regulatory economics to move hundreds and hundreds of miles away for it.

There is a third option, but I'm not sure how this is going to work out. I'll still have an MA in economics and that opens up a few more doors, mostly in research fields. But here's the rub there, because of my focus on regulatory stuff, I've neglected some areas that are pretty important for economic research, namely statistics. So while I certainly have a background to be qualified as an economist, I'm a far from ideal candidate for most jobs.

I see it now, I should have done an MBA, finance, accounting, or at the very least, something with a heaver statistical bend. But then again, I've never been one to make sound choices regarding my future.

There is one ray of light, though. However few the nibbles might be, I have had some. I had two interviews last week. One I was already rejected for, which is ok, because I was only marginally qualified for that job anyway. The other, however, is a very strange thing. On Thursday, I had an interview with a state that won't be named, but it looks like a boot and has a lot of Mormons. The interview went well, but there's a catch, they seem to want somebody right away. They haven't actually rejected me yet, but they even seemed hesitant to wait until Spring Break so I can get up there for an in person interview. If they won't wait two weeks for SB, they won't wait two months for me to finish.

So yeah, such is life.

The Mellowness

I'm trying to be a different person.

One of the after effects of my illness is, I think, that I'm 1000x's more mellow than I used to be. Anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness was how I was and were large elements of Brian's Grand Pity Party that was such a horrible influence on me during my undergraduate years. I admit, now, that certain things just don't matter as much anymore.

But I'm not completely there yet.

I have a job interview tomorrow, for example, and most of the time I'm feeling just fine about it and am fairly calm, cool and collected. But I admit, there are periods of time where I am royally freaking out. I really don't know why, though. I'm fairly well prepared for whatever questions they ask and if I was meant to have this job, I will.

That, to me, is the key to happiness in this world. Do the best you can do to achieve a certain goal, but beyond that, don't worry about it because God's plans don't always intersect your own.

With Friends Like These....

I've been stewing over something for a few days weeks now and I wasn't sure if I should write about it or not. It's royally stupid, yet, has been on my mind, so I'll just go ahead and do it.

I feel incredibly insulted. It started when one of my friends made a remark on Facebook about cheap Chinese knock-off jewelry, to which I replied that she should stop being racist towards Chinese people. Funny, right? Eh, maybe not, but not serious.

I sensed that she might have been offended by my lame attempt at humor so I sent her a message on Facebook explaining myself. Seeming like a reasonable thing to do, right? Silence for several days. I sent a text doing the same thing. Still, silence. It's not a huge huge thing, but I don't like the feeling that I've insulted people when I didn't mean to, especially friends.

Flash forward a few days. Still nothing. Then, however, I see a status message written by her complaining of clingy friends. I figured that she couldn't possibly have meant me. Turns out that she did. I don't know, but it seems like Facebook status is a really awful way of dealing with a problem you have with somebody who might actually read it. Am I wrong?

Flash forward a few more days.

We had a chat and I assumed everything was worked out. The next day I found myself deleted from her friends list. She said not to take offense and that she was deleting a lot of people because some people just write too much stuff to read*. As it turns out, though, I was the only one of our 20 or so mutual friends that was deleted. Some of these people write and comment on her status messages just as often as I do.

I felt really singled out. Yeah, it's Facebook and yeah, it is definitely stupid, but I found it very, very insulting. Am I wrong?

* This is an extremely lame excuse. If you think somebody posts too much, you just don't have to read it. But hey, whatever, I let it slide. And now she gets busy commenting on status messages of other people... dang, good thing SHE isn't clingy, eh?

Life in the Slow Lane: Feb., 23rd edition

I've come to a strange conclusion lately. It seems weird to say, but perhaps getting cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me. Of course it was an unpleasant experience and shifted the direction of my life a bit, but you know what? Everything that has happened as a result of it have been beneficial. The extra time I was forced to spend in Farmington really help me solidify certain relationships that have become very important to me. It also forced me to take a long, hard look at myself and help reevaluate my priorities. Perhaps everybody should deal with some sort of hardship like that and compel them to take a look at themselves.

This Week in T.V

Lost

The only interesting that happened this week was the appearance of Ben Linus as a teacher in non-Lost world. This throws a slight wrench into the reset story and tells the viewer that everything related to the island got reset, not just the Oceanic flight passengers. Of course, this actually happened last week (remember Clarie's doctor?), I just wasn't paying enough attention to notice.

The Office

There was no new episode this week due to the Olympic Lames Games, but in the case of The Office, that is probably a good thing. The show is really starting to suffer from a dramatic dry well. First there was two companies then there was Jim and Michael as co-managers then Jim became the sole manager and then Michael became the sole manager again and it's just getting to be too much. The problem started when the key tension in the show, Jim and Pam's relationship, was finally settled. Where do you go from there? In the case of this show, you go through a confusing labyrinth of bizarre plot.

Burn Notice

Same as with The Office, this show has hit a bit of a creative wall. Burn Notice, however, has the opposite problem. Where The Office story is developing a bit too fast and haphazardly, Burn Notice is just crawling along. The individual episodes are still interesting, but the overall story arch isn't going anywhere. Primary, season long, characters are coming and going and when there gone, their existence becomes completely unimportant to the rest of the show. Remember The Agency of season 2? Of course you don't because it doesn't even matter anymore and this season would still make perfect sense even if it hadn't existed at all.

Undercover Boss

This last week had a rather interesting episode, the CEO of Hooters. Something very strange is starting to develop with this show and it has left me really starting to question just how the producers of the show are going about picking locations for the boss to go. It couldn't have been just a coincidence that the Hooters boss ended up at the store with the most grotesquely chauvinist boss I've ever seen, the single mom and the Marine. It's very clear to me now that the producers have ulterior motives for where they send the boss, take what could be a unique reality show and turn it into melodramatic tripe.

Ho-hum the boring life

Ho-hum such is life.

Wake up...

eat breakfast...

go to work/school...

maybe eat again

come home

eat again

watch t.v./move

maybe hang out with friends.

and that's really all there is

Rules of the self-check

This madness really must stop. Self-check is one of the greatest advances in retail history, but it only works if people don't abuse it. Which, of course, they do. If it were up to me, these would be the rules of the self-check:

1) Large quantities of produce: typically, they don't have bar codes, rather, numeric codes for each individual item. This precludes quick scanning as most people don't know the codes off the top of their heads and have to look them up. Professional checkers, on the other hand, have most of the codes memorized and can type them in quickly and efficiently. Please, for the love of God, if you have a lot of produce, and by this I mean 2 or 3 bags, don't hold up the lines at the self-check.

2) More than 20 items. People, if you have a cart full of groceries (or whatever you are buying), don't go to the self-check. You aren't a good enough scanner to get out of there fast and since you have a large cart, odds are you aren't in any particular hurry anyway. Most stores that have self-checks aren't set up for large quantities. Regular registers, however, have belts, checkers, baggers and sufficient room to get large quantities out quickly. Don't hold up a self-check line because you have a lot of stuff.

3) Older than 60. Let's face it, old people suck at the new technology. I've never seen a person older than this use the self-scan with any degree of accuracy or speed. What typically happens is that they do it wrong, think the problem is the computer, and have to ask for help from the designated self-check employee. That employee, of course, is typically very overworked has about 4 or 5 other people to help first. This further delays the line. To avoid the trouble, old people, just go to the regular checkout line.

4) Alcohol: If you are buying alcohol, be careful with the self-check. Alcohol purchase shouldn't completely exclude you from the self-check, and this more flexible than the 55+ rule, but basically has the same problem, it requires employee assistance to check i.d.'s. This rule is largely dependent on how busy the store is. If you have a small quantity, have your i.d. ready to go, and relatively quiet store, I may let this one slide.

The key thing is to just be aware. By violating these rules, not only do you waste your own time, you waste everybody else's as well. I happen to believe that the self-check was made for people with a small quantity of things who need to get in and out fast, please, don't mess up the order of a store by your ignorance.