Good morning blog:

Merry Christmas! Good day so far, but it's only 9 am.

My doctor's appointment went well. I'm still cancer free and the doctor hinted that since it's been nearly a year and a half since my diagnosis and it hasn't returned, I'm close to being in the clear. I saw online that my chance of recurrence is now around 10-20%. Pretty good odds, I'd say. But then again, I figure it was really rare that I would get it to begin with, so you never really know. All I know is that I'm glad it's done with for now and I don't have to even think about it for another 6 months. This time around I was much more nervous than usual. Not sure why that is.

Good morning blog:

Talk about a contrasting few days. Sunday was not good at all. I woke up in a foul mood because I hadn't slept worth shit all week, my car battery died and Defined Fitness was still busting my chops over this account problem that had been there since May. In the grand scheme, not big things, but it's always the accumulation of little things that can sour your day more than anything.

Monday, however, was good. It was good because I was successful at un-doing all the things that had been wrong on Sunday. I slept great and by some great miracle, the car started on Monday morning with no problems. I made it to the gym and finally got the account straightened out. My car started again on my way to the dealership to get it fixed but actually died while I was waiting in line. Nice, eh? But of all places for a car battery to give out for good, you can't really beat a service center at an auto dealership. I also went and saw Avatar, but I would hardly consider that a highlight.

Today, however, is a big day. I go back to the doctor for my 6 month follow-up. Hoping for the best.

Good morning blog:

Here we are, Sunday morning, not a damn thing planned and I'm up early. My sleep cycle has gone totally to shit. No matter how late I go to sleep, I'm still up early and I wake up several times during the night.

It could be lifestyle, not working out, drinking too much caffeine, too much stimulation during the day, but that's never been a problem before, especially when I'm at home. Probably hitting the gym more regularly would help, but I just can't seem to relax that much at night. It shouldn't be this way. It really shouldn't.

In a certain sense, I know how Heath Ledger felt. Before his death he suffered from raging insomnia and anxeity. This, in turn, led to his addiction to perscription drugs, which eventually caused his death. I don't know exactly how he felt, but I know how it feels to have your mind racing a mile a minute all the time. It makes it hard to sleep, hard to relax, hard to keep your nerves steady and frankly, its exhausting. All the troubles of the world latch on to you and linger.

I don't abuse perscription or any other kind of drug, but I cope in other unhealthy ways. My binge eating problem has long been a symptom of some deeper emptiness. I annoy people with my constant neediness. Sometimes I spend all day just seeking human contact to get some sort of approval.

It's not the same as drug abuse, but it's on the same highway. Once you get going in that direction, it's hard to turn back.

It's an agonizing ritual for me. The semester is over. Finished. Nothing left to do. Yet, I still fight this battle with my mind and it keeps wanting to tell me "surely there is SOMETHING that you could do?" It makes me stop and think, maybe I'm forgetting something? This paranoia gets really irritating.

Thankfully, it goes away after a few days and I'm able to enjoy the free time.

I meant to upload this a few days ago but forgot:

Ok, I didn't forget. I was just lazy

You know what grinds my gears? When professors up and change directions for an assignment after you are practically done with it already. This happened to me twice today. One was no problem (but still a 180 degree turn from before) but the other could cause me a bit of trouble. The second one I even had a hand out for which said to this this way but somebody told me that the professor told them to do it a totally different way. Great.

Man I wish this effing semester was over.

It's definitely that time of year. I feel all desire to live being sucked from my body.

I shouldn't complain. I actually have it fairly easy this time around. I have one exam on Thursday, another is probably going to be cancelled (long story) and I have two projects, one of which is done, the other will be done soon.