Sunday May 31

An open letter to check writers....

Dear person who insists on writing out checks despite the fact we have a computer to do it for you, 

What shall we do with you? I don't care for checks in general, especially in retail, but I understand the desire for you to live in simpler times, easier times,  when checks common and not simply a nuisance to everybody around you. I don't like it, but I understand and perhaps even sympathize. What I don't understand, however, is the rejection by a certain number of your cohorts of a particular function of electronic checking... the auto fill.

Auto fill is a beautiful thing. You give me a blank check, I feed it into the machine, and it spits out a slightly misaligned but perfectly acceptable check for you to keep for your records, and one that is even easier to read than your own chicken scratch hand writing. You don't have to do a thing! But people, technology only works if you allow us to use it. There are some, and you know who you are, who still insist on writing the checks out because, as I learned today, you "don't like electronic checking". 

A few questions...

1) What is it you object to, exactly? the speed? the ease? the convenience? Have a fondness for writers cramp or irritating people behind you? Do you object to getting out of the store faster, or enjoy a transaction that takes 10x' longer? Do you have time to kill before Matlock or Murder She Wrote starts? I heard, from one of you, you don't like electronic checking because it "gives us too much access to my money" to which you promptly used a debit card. Maybe it is just ignorance?

2) Ok, maybe I can understand a little bit if you just don't like electronic checking, but do you check writers understand that, even if you write out the check, the end result is still the same? You may not like electronic checking, but we still have it, and if you write it out or not, you are still going to get the check back with void in bold letters written across it. By writing it out, you simply delay the inevitable.

3) Do you realize that most retail cash registers are on times and that, on occasion, that time matters in evaluating performance?

There's also the issue of the good ol carbon copy. This is certainly a justification you use for insisting to write the check by hand, but this is something I have always found quite perplexing. Why would you need a carbon copy if you *slaps head* have the original?!? Seriously, who prefers a copy over an original?

I don't know... you people confuse me and annoy me everybody else. But I'm a patient person and continue to oblige your insistence on writing. 

Thanks,

Brian, friendly Hastings employee

Friday May 29

I worked in books today. I didn't really notice this before, but there are 3.....3(!) sections where diet books can be found. We have a whole separate section for them, one that takes up a whole huge shelf, part of the cookbook section is devoted to diet books and our fitness section has diet books as well. Some of the diets are flat out absurd too.... there was a book about a rice diet.... a fucking rice diet! You know who goes on a rice diet? Poor people in Cambodia! But I guess they ARE thin.

Freaking A PEOPLE!

This is all a very simple energy equation, if you eat a bunch of food and sit on your ass all day, you will be fat. Trust me on this one, I do it myself. Part of the problem is that people don't really realize how much they eat every single day and calories are hiding everywhere.

But another issue here is one that has been of interest to me. Why do people want to lose weight in the first place? Some probably do it for health, but by and large, I suspect it is a simple case of vanity. These people are miserable with their lives and if they were skinny, they would simply find something else to focus on, wrinkles, social status, teeth, hair, whatever... weight is just a smokescreen for the real problem, self-worth. 

What's weird about this is all through school we get hammered into our brains about how valuable we are. We get a trophy for simply showing up. All of this, of course, is to improve the kid's self-esteem, but what does this really accomplish? Mindless ego inflating without the accomplishment to back it up.

Flash forward 15 years.... reality strikes... our entire lives we've had no incentive to accomplish anything and we end up as a bunch of sad sacs living our lives vicariously through the people we see on the magazines, trying desperately to find some meaning in our lives. If I only lost 10 pounds things would be perfect, if I only had more money things would be perfect....

Sure they would..... sure they would.

Wednesday May 27

Had a busy day at work yesterday... Tuesday in books can always be tricky, not so much because of the customers, but there is always new books to put out and their system for new releases is highly illogical. I just kind of had to wing it and hope everything works out. Time was, I stopped caring what people thought of my work, I was much happier this way, but I've come full circle again and care now. I'm sure it's alright but I got really really bogged down and didn't get as much done as I had hoped. At the end of the day, I didn't really have much to show for it.

Part of the problem is that sometimes I really lack in productivity. The last few days have been that way and my work has been really suspect. 

I also had lunch with an amiga yesterday. It was kind of a surprise that she wanted to go because she really, really honked me off the other day. I thought she wasn't that interested in hanging out, but I guess she was...

Geez.... this blog is getting so boring

Monday May 25

Had a pretty good day today... had a good work out and actually cracked open my bible for the first time in a long while. I read the story of Job, which is probably the most relatable in the whole Bible because I think everybody has felt like him at times. What struk me this time, though, was what the story has to say about friendship. Job's friends are essentially useless, and it's a good reminder that friends or not, they are people, and people will often times let you down. Not to say that friends aren't worth it, but you need to keep the whole thing in perspective and not think TOO highly of them because, as flawed humans do, they will let you down.

I also went and saw Terminator: Salvation today. I was looking forward to this movie, but was totally unimpressed by it. The special effects were nice, but the story and the speaking parts were just lame. The ending, too, was just terrible. There's a lot they can still do with this story, though, and I hope they heed what all the critics are saying about this one and do some serious work before the next one.

Sunday May 24

One of those days where things you plan just don't work right. I had planned to go to the gym when I woke up, but couldn't get out of bed. I planned to go to the horse races, but my dad's horse was scratched because of an injury and I planned to go watch Terminator: Salvation, but it was sold out. It all made me a little bit grumpy.

Essentially..... it was a wasted day.

A lot of things are starting to bubble up to the surface in my mind about my life. No doubt, I will have more about this later...

Saturday May 23

Feeling better today and yesterday than I was on Thursday. It's amazing how much those tiny and relatively insignificant things can bring you down and wreck your whole day. I really shouldn't let it get to me. In fact, I should be happy. The more these things happen, the more I learn who my true friends are and that has always been one of my big problems, these fake friends that bring to me nothing but trouble. Anyway, moving on...

I went and saw James and Ernie yesterday. I was expecting something outrageously hilarious, but rather, got something that was somewhat cute and amusing. I don't know what has happened with my sense of humor, but lately I find absolutely nothing funny. Or maybe it is just very particular? I'm not sure, but the things that most people find funny, I rarely do. I couldn't even describe what I think funny is, come to think of it. 

I'm back at Hastings tonight. No closing, but it is a night shift on Saturday. That not closing, however, makes a big difference because if you want a successful close and to be able to get out reasonably early, you have to think well ahead of the game and plan time accordingly. It's a whole process, really, that consumes the whole shift. I don't have to worry about that tonight... yippie.

Thursday May 21

I'm in a pretty terrible mood tonight. I was supposed to have an outing with a friend today who decided that she would rather stay in bed than go do something. We probably could have met later, but she didn't seem too interested anymore, so I just said forget it (although in a nice way). That, in and of itself, isn't a huge thing. It happens. What's annoying, however, is that it has been happening a lot lately. People are either blowing me off for meetings, not answering my texts, not responding to my facebook/myspace messages, and each subsequent event is going to sour you more than the situation would normally call for. 

But that begs another question, why am I the one that always has to make the first contact? Why am I the one who always has to ask people if they want to hang out? Why does it always seem like such a damn chore with some people to want to go out with me? I understand people are busy, but aren't I entitled to a little goddamn respect every now and then?

I had been in the process of re-evaluating the people I call my friends and I thought I was done with that, but I guess not.

Wednesday May 20

Ever have one of those days where you wake up late and then feel behind the whole rest of the day? That's the way I have felt today. I wasn't really late, but I have felt rushed. I'm not sure what it was that made me sleep later than usual today... I must have been more tired.... not sure why, though. I did work for the first time in a while yesterday, but I didn't work that long, or that hard. Oh well, who knows. Tomorrow is probably going to be all messed up because I'm going to be working late tonight.

I had a decent workout today, but it occurred to me that most of what I do in the gym is useless anyway. I don't notice myself being noticeably stronger, and after that huge initial drop in weight, I've pretty much stayed in place. I might be in better cardiovascular shape, but who cares? I'm still way too heavy and just eating too much. Knowing this fact, however, and changing it are two entirely different things.

The strength thing is really starting to bug me, however. My strength was pretty much shot after my chemo, which was expected, but it hasn't really come back. I can still hardly bench or squat anything at all. It's kind of embarassing, actually. Here I am, this big fat guy and former offensive lineman, yet lifting like a little girl..... stupid. 

Tuesday May 19

funny how life is sometimes...

Yesterday I was complaining how bored I was and today, to be sure, Hastings got me back on board and even had me come in for a few hours this morning. I didn't do anything of particular importance, mostly just re-arranging shelves, but it was good to be back doing something. I wouldn't quite say that it felt like I never left, but I'm sure I'll get back to that place eventually.

They have me diving right in, actually. I'm working a closing shift tomorrow then another night, but not closing on Saturday. I haven't worked a closing shift in a while.... I did in Cruces a few times and way back when I first started I used to do them here. Never in the new store, though. Should be an experience, I'd say.

Monday May 18

and the days pass lazily by...

It seems a little early for it, but the dog days of summer seem to be here already. I'm going on with my life, trying to get settled here in Farmington again, but it seems like everything around me has stopped. I haven't heard from my RA professor since I left Las Cruces, despite the emails I sent him, and Hastings is still dinking around with something or other about getting me back on the schedule. I'm not sure what's causing the delay there, money is on corporate office, but it's starting to get annoying. It's like I'm in a state of limbo. My summer can't really start until these things are settled, and it is going painfully slow.

Frankly, I'm not too sure what to do with myself anymore. There's only so much activity in this town to sustain oneself and I'm pretty much stalled on my research project until I hear back from that guy. In theory, I should have no problem lying around and watching movies all summer, but it seems like such a waste of time. I really wish I could be doing something more substantial right now.

Sunday May 17

Woke up real early this morning, like 6. I was still tired and wanted to go back to sleep but the sun was glaring into the window and I wasn't able to. That's one of the things that I hate about this room as opposed to my old one. Not only is it smaller, but the window faces the east, which can be a real bitch when the sun comes up. There's also an issue with a street light from the street over that shines right into my eyes. I had to put books between the shade and the window just to block it out completely. Crazy stuff I tells ya!

I had a pretty good workout today. It was kinda quiet there, being a Sunday morning, so I largely had my pick of the machines. I can tell right now, though, that my triceps are going to be sore tomorrow. I haven't had the nerve to weigh myself lately, but it would probably be a waste of time. I left Las Cruces at 221, which is the lowest I've been in a while, and for now, ignorance is bliss. 

I had some Smith's Chinese food for lunch. I don't know why I eat that stuff. Not only is it bad for me, but it doesn't taste very good either. It kind of reminds me of that commercial (for Chilies maybe?) where they are doing fake advertising for this restaurant that serves cardboard. Obviously it doesn't taste good, but there's a lot of it. That's sort of a running trend in my life, mistaking quantity for quality.

Saturday May 16

I had a pretty good day today, pretty chillaxed. I went on sort of a pizza and ice cream bender yesterday and wasn't really feeling all that up to going to the gym when I woke up. I, however, conquered through and went anyway. It was by no means a great workout, but it wasn't terrible, and I was there at least. 

Speaking of the pizza and ice cream thing... those are two really terrible vices of mine that have been around since the bad old days when I first got to NMSU. My junk food benders reached their apex my first year at UNM, slowed off since then, but never really went away. I tell myself every Saturday morning when I wake up with a massive stomach ache that it wasn't really worth it, but sure as can be, I'm back on the stuff again in not too long. I don't know why I treat my body so, it being a temple and all.

Spent most of the day locked up in my room. I watched a movie, Amores Perros, then read a little bit of my Andrew Jackson biography. It was the first book on my reading list that I vowed to tackle. I first bought it when I was on chemo and read a little bit of it until my energy level wouldn't allow reading during treatment anymore. I hadn't picked it up since. That's the way it is with a lot of stuff I started during chemo. It has a bad association, so I didn't pick it up again. I guess the best thing I can do is just chip away at it slowly over time.

Friday May 15

Wow, it's been a whole week since I've written in the blog? I've really been slacking on this thing lately, and to tell the truth, been re-evaluating why I even have it. It wasn't necessarily something that people would read, rather, a record of my post-cancer life. I suppose it's been pretty good at that, right?

In any event, it's not like there has been that much to say. I'm officially back at Hastings now for the summer. I guess I'm excited. It's as good a job as any I suppose and I spent a whole year there, might as well kill a summer there as well, right? It's somewhat of a different place this time around, though. Yeah, a lot of my friends are still there, but there are a ton of new faces as well. Not strangers, just friends I haven't met yet, I suppose?

Had lunch w/ an old friend yesterday. This is one of the few friends I have that I didn't meet at Hastings, so, naturally, we went to the Hastings coffee shop and some Italian sodas. We went to Red Lobster as well. I hadn't been there in a long time and it was good. I got caught up on her love life, which is a curious interest for me. She is somewhat aware of mine, but I didn't really go into it. I just don't feel like talking about that whole sordid affair anymore, I guess. Perhaps that's a sign that I'm really, truly getting over it.

However you think of it, I just don't want to deal with the drama anymore.

Monday May 11

By most respects it was a pretty crappy day. Not that the events were bad per-se, I just feel wrong about them. One event was not at all a huge surprise, but was just further confirmation that a relationship with a person who was once very special to me is officially dead. Yeah, it's been on life support for a long time and I had essentially moved on, but this weekend, I was sucked back in and learned enough to wish I hadn't been. Oh well. At least I know, right?

The other event was extremely shocking. I learned that a friend of mine is pregnant and frankly, it was the last person I would have expected. It's good news and all and very happy for her. But at the same time, it has really forced me to step back and take a hard look at my own situation and see that my own social situation is still quite pathetic. I guess you could say I'm jealous. My friends are finding happiness with people left and right and here I am, still just me. I know I shouldn't look at it in such a self-centric way, but sometimes this bubbling of emotion gets to me.

Saturday May 9

I think I've had it with this piece of junk Toshiba machine. If it's not running slow, having a key get stuck or not coming back to life after its reset, the disk drive is getting stuck. Today, for example, I put in a CD and it doesn't even read the dang thing. I reset the computer at least 3 times to see if it would eventually do it, but it never did. Then, naturally, the CD wouldn't eject. I had to practically pry the cover off just to get the dang thing to open. 

I've had a rather uneventful few days. Unlike the last time I was home, things aren't quite as pressed this time around. I'm here for longer than a week this time... yay? 

Review: Star Trek

I'll start by saying that I am not a Star Trek fan. In fact, in my twitter comments, I twice misspelled it. That out of the way, here's what I think:

The movie has been criticized by some critics (Ebert most notably) for being rather intellectually dry and sort of mindless This is a pretty fair criticism, because it kind of was, but frankly, does everything need to have some profound meaning? This is a movie made for the masses, not for the art house goon and in gearing towards that particular audience, it works.

The casting was nothing short of brilliant and relied on good old fashoned talent rather than star power. The great tragedy, however, was that Pegg had such a small role. He was a riot and stole every scene he was in. I bet that the next movies will have more of him. I didn't see any Shatner at all in Pine's Kirk, but in this case, it worked. He took the character and made it his own without really changing it too much.

Then there's Bana, who played Nero, the Romulan chief. Funny him staring in a well recieved reboot when he, in fact, was a large part of the reason that another franchise needed to be rebooted in the Hulk. Frankly, I've never been a huge fan, but he played it pretty straight in this one and was pretty convincing as a bad guy. I dugg the face tatts too.  

Overall, I really enjoyed the movie and look forward to the rest of the series.

Review: Sexy Beast

Sexy Beast.... what a great title for what is an otherwise quite bland movie.

The protagonist, Gal, is an ex-thief who lives out his retirement soaking up the sun in his Malibuesqe house in southern Spain. He has an ex-porn star wife, several well tanned friends and even a Spanish pool boy. Talk about the high life, eh? Things were good until Don Logan (Ben Kingsley) arrives and drags him out of his sun soaked stupor to convince him to help out with a job back in London. 

I guess convince is the wrong word. To put it simply, Logan is crazy and  isn't going to accept any answer other than "yes". If Gal was ever some sort of hardened gangster and criminal mastermind, he certainly didn't show it in his interactions with Logan where he came off as limp-wristed and weak. You just knew he was going to cave and do the job. 

What I don't understand, however, is why they were so insistent on having him for the caper anyway. If he was some sort of expert thief, you would think their plan would be a bit more elaborate than drilling through the wall of the bath house next door and shorting out the alarm system. What's so sophisticated about that? Seems fairly crude to me, especially on a bank that, as we are told, has one of the best security systems in Europe. 

Then there's the accents.... oye the accents. To say they were thick cockney is putting it far too mildly. They were down right incomprehensible. I had to turn on the captioning just to understand what was going on. Not that it mattered,  the dialogue was just a bunch of drivel peppered in with a few f-words..... for good measure, of course.

If there is one redeeming quality in this movie it is Kingsley as Ben Logan. Part of it, surely, is the sheer novelty of an actor as refined as Kingsley ranting, raving, pissing on floors and dropping f-bombs like they were going out of style. I have to say that it was quite an interesting performance, especially the scene in the airplane where he simply refused to put out his cigarette so the plane could take off. 100% pure bad ass with no decency. There's something to respect in a character like that.

Monday May 4

Had a pretty good day today. The professor seemed impressed by my SAS project, the one I was not too sure about for most of the week. Looks like I will be getting out of here has planned on Wednesday. He didn't even really take that hard of a look at it, but glanced through a few things and gave me a 98. Of course, a 100 would have been better, but I'm not grade grubber.

Now all I have left is my public finance final. Naturally, the thing I have dreaded the most is LAST. I'm not too sure how it is going to be. The last two times I've gone in feeling really confident only to be grossly disappointed. I feel like I somewhat know the material, but then again, who really knows anything? This guy just has a way of writing a question that can throw me off. I was going to study some this afternoon, but frankly, the thought of even looking at the stuff just makes me want to vomit. That's pretty much how I know I'm as ready as I'm going to be for an exam.

I'm starting to tread some very dangerous ground. Over the last few days I've noticed myself starting to slip back into some of the habits I've been working really hard to correct, my obsessive email checking, my obsessive facebook checking, my caffeine consumption. I know that I'm not going to conquer all these demons in one attempt, but I need to keep my eye on the ball.

Saturday May 2nd

A rather slow and uneventful day so far. I've wasted most of it haha. I woke up this morning and my stomach was infuriated with me about my little pizza and ice cream bender the night before and was having none of this workout business, so I stayed home this morning and piddled around online until lunch time. I figure it's ok because I will be able to squeeze in a Tuesday workout this week because I don't have school that day.

I went to Quiznos again for lunch. I don't know, I've been craving their soup a lot lately and it has indeed made me very happy. 

I studied for public finance a little bit today, and thankfully, I have been able to focus on it fairly well the last few days. For as much as I don't want to take this exam, it is kind of important that I do well because that's the only class I have that I don't feel real confident about. But there I go again, worried about grades. I'm in graduate school for christ sakes, when is that going to stop being a concern?

Friday May 1st

Had a somewhat productive day today. Although it is hard to be real productive when you don't have a whole lot to do. I finished my SAS project (more on this later), had my macro final yesterday, and my econometrics final was canceled, so all I really have is public finance. That's enough, however, because that class is the absolute bane of my existence. I've found it hard to work up sufficient energy to even give a rat's ass about it anymore. It doesn't really seem to matter. I've busted my hump all semester in there and, in all likelihood, I'm going to end up with a low B or even a C. On the last test, I took a different approach to preparation and really focused more on knowing the material by studying it a little bit each day for almost a month... I got an 83 on the test... what a crock of shit!

Then there's the issue of my paper. I thought I had a really original idea that, while somewhat flawed in its execution, came out fairly well. I was proud of it anyway. But I think the professor was less than impressed. I figure if I can't win with this guy there is really no point to busting myself too hard.

The SAS project is another thing that is still kind of up in the air. Since we had no guidelines (literally), I just had to wing it and did what I thought needed to be done with it. He said if we turned it in early he would let us know if some things need to be added. Of course, I tried to do just that yesterday when he said he was going to be in his office.... but surprise... he wasn't. I suppose I shouldn't be so selfish, though. It could have been an emergency... however it is, though, it has really thrown off my plans for the rest of the semester.

I'm trying my hardest to soften my assessment of how this semester is gone, but it has been really hard to do that. I just can't help but feel really unfulfilled by the way everything has gone. I did learn some things, that's true, but a lot of this stuff was on my own and could have been done w/o paying for the books and the lectures.