Understanding the Signals

I think that a large part of why I used to eat so much is that I would ignore the frequent signals my body would send me about when I was hungry and when I was not. The biggest signal that I ignore, unfortunately, is confusing thirst for hunger. I am bad at staying hydrated... really bad and I think this plays a major role in my food cravings. Here I am, right now in fact, sitting here writing this while dying of thirst. Of course, what I choose to drink is an issue that would require a whole other blog entry, but I know that if I drank more, I would probably be less hungry.

So today, I'm launching an experiment. Before every meal I'm going to drink a cup or part of a bottle of water and see if that makes any difference in my appetite. I did it at breakfast this morning, but I can't say it made a huge difference, but I'm going to try and stick with it and see what happens. Also, I'm going to try and do better with my water intake throughout the day. I've done very poorly in my attempt to lay off the caffeine a little bit.

Another signal I think that I have often been confusing is a craving for junk food vs. just hunger in general. If I feel I can't resist the pizza, it's because I'm hungry (or thirsty) in general, not because I particularly want the pizza. Understanding this has made it quite a bit easier to control my junk food cravings.

All Work and No Play Makes Me Better

I've never done work and school in the same semester before. I've done work. I've done school. But never together. It is a very "normal" thing to do, people have jobs and go to school all the time, but I've long resisted it, theoretically, on the grounds that a job would hurt my academically. Truth is, that was really just a lie. I didn't have to work and my naive self didn't particularly want to, so I didn't. Simple as that.

Almost from the moment I graduated forward, I have regretted that decision. Largely for 3 reasons: first, work and school is the "normal" thing to do. Part of me has always wanted to belong (why, I don't know) and be just like everybody else. Everybody else, at least the ones I knew, had a job in addition to going to school. Everybody else had to actually support themself (somewhat at least) while I was living on mommy and daddy's dime. I definitely felt the guilt of being the spoiled child and the disconnect it caused between me and my peers. However, I was so eyeball deep in self-pity at the time, this wasn't enough of a motivator for me to go out and actually get one.

Second, is the time factor. As I stated before, I claimed that having a job would have hurt me academically and it might have.... a little. But truth be told, without the job, I had way too much time on my hands. Too much time to wallow in my self-destructive habits that caused me so much grief during my undergraduate years. Too much time to think about my condition and feel sorry for myself. Too much time to be alone with my thoughts, which can be a dangerous thing. When I get bored, that's when things start to bad about things. The best way to avoid this, naturally, is to not let myself get bored.

Third, not having a job, I believe, put me at a huge disadvantage going forward from graduation. It essentially left graduate school as my only option since my work history was so thin, only a few summer jobs and nothing long lasting. Probably not the best way to go.

Of course, many of these things I learned with the benefit of hindsight after I had graduated. But one of my main goals for this phase of my life is to not repeat those same mistakes. Every time I feel tired from the work/school combination and ask myself why I decided to do both I need to keep in mind the fact that staying busy is good for my mental sanity.

Time will tell if it hurts my academic performance or not. But I figure, even if it does, that's ok because it will make me better in the long-run.

A Rambling Note on Change

I don't even think I can count the number of times I've resolved myself to change my habits and my ways of thinking. It seems like almost every week I was making some grand declaration of change. But honestly, I never really believed anything WOULD change. With such an attitude, naturally, nothing was going to change and sooner or later, my old demons would catch up to me and I'd fall back into my old ways. I really, truly think something is different this time, though. I've tried to really be more honest with myself and, I think, that I have finally convinced myself that I needed to become somebody different..... somebody better.

I've been here about 2.5 weeks and in that short time I really think that I have grown a lot as a person. Or, perhaps, the real growth took place over the last year, I was just never in a place to realize my potential until I moved out on my own again.. either way, I think can honestly say that things have been well. The problem, however, is that I feel I'm beginning to stall. Thought patterns take a long time to change, I understand that, especially those that are as entrenched as mine were, but while that is happening, I think I need to step up my game in other areas. I must keep challenging myself and moving forward.

Ah yes, that's the problem. How can I move forward when I don't really have any clear goals or something tangible to move forward to? I've thought about this, and not everything I feel needs changing can actually have a clear-cut goal. My weight, perhaps, but most of the things I have in mind are broader lifestyle changes, changes in thinking, changes in lifestyle, setting goals for stuff like that would totally defeat the spirit and I believe it is best to let some change just come naturally.

But, like I said, there ARE areas where I need to step up my game and keep challenging myself. One area that I can set tangible goals is my weight, which is actually starting to come off. I think 215 is a good goal weight by the end of the semester. Part of this happening is just sticking to my routine and being patient, but my caffeine consumption is waaaaay out of hand. I need to cut back.

My Place

Back in the bad old days, even when I felt terrible, I always believed that I belonged in school.... or on a college campus anyway. It's what I was good at and what gave me my sense of purpose in life. That's why I considered a career in academia for so long. School was pretty much the only thing I was ever that good at.

However, as I was walking back to class today, something occurred to me: I don't really have that same feeling anymore. I know now that the university is not my place. Of course, that still leaves the big question of "what is my place?" still open, but at least I got this answer before I got in too deep.

I know it's only the end of the second week, but this general lack of interest in school is still sticking around. Granted, I still want to do well and I think what I'm doing is important, but like I mentioned in a previous blog entry, I haven't felt obsessive about it. In fact, when those sort of thoughts pop into my head "do school work now!" I deliberately go out of my way to drive them off. Perhaps it's just a signal for a major change in priority.

Low Man on the Totem Pole

I've been just too comfortable in my perch back at home and I've forgotten what it is like to be low man on the totem pole.... odd man out.... and not part of the "in" group. Back at home, I was always in the "in" group.... hell, I WAS the "in" group. Not anymore, though. New place, new job, new school, new people and they all know each other, and then there's little 'ol me.

I really, truly felt it for the first time at work the other day. I once again had to do all the stuff that I thought was behind me, trash, mopping, bathroom cleaning, etc. I really didn't care for it much and I never felt more out of place. That feeling extended to school where I am also the odd man out. I started mid-year, so most of the people in the program knew each other before I even came in, so naturally, they already have their own little cliques and social structures and I'm simply an outsider looking in.

The way I figure, there are two ways I could go about this. One, is that I can fight and claw my way into the group by being as social as I can and hoping that they will eventually accept me as one of their own. This is what I did at when I first started at Hastings back home and it worked out really well. By the time I left, I was definitely in the "in" group. This plan, however, doesn't always work and it has to be played just right. Try too hard to get accepted and you will come across as desperate and wind up as even more of an outsider.

The other way, however, I think would be nice too. That is to not worry about being accepted at all. It's funny how trying NOT to be part of the "in" group can sometimes automatically thrust you into it, like saying "I don't need you" makes them want you all the more. This way can be risky too, because if it doesn't work, you have already isolated yourself perhaps beyond repair.

I don't know which way I'll choose. Perhaps it doesn't even matter because I suspect that 75% is just fate anyway. And if I don't ever get accepted, that's ok, I have told myself that whatever happens, I will NOT feel sorry for myself.

Fear

I often wonder why I fear certain things the way I do. I'm not talking about things that are actually scary, such as knife wielding leprechauns breaking down your door or emo kids, but those sort of everyday anxieties that everybody has, but used to control me.

I faced one of the most scary things a person could face (if not the scariest, at least in the top 10) and came out of it in relatively good shape. It makes everything else seem kind of stupid. Starting school, starting a new job, big assignment or test.... all those things are nothing compared to cancer.

Anxiety is really silly, when you think about it.

Obsession

One of the many unfortunate things that dominated my undergraduate years of college was my near obsession with school work. Of course, I wasn't doing it all the time, there is only so much that could be done, but even when I wasn't, I was still thinking about and could never quite shake the feeling that I should be doing some at any given moment. How could that not drive me crazy, you ask? Well, in a way it did. I didn't go literally insane, but I think such obsession and narrow mindedness took a toll on my psyche.

With such an obsession, naturally, my grades were pretty good. Damn near perfect, in fact.

4.0 GPA

Summa Cum Laude honors

Nominations to every honor society you can imagine

But ultimately, it was hollow. One of the big things I found out once I graduated was how little people actually cared about such things. Everything I have, my job, my graduate school work, everything, could have been achieved if I had devoted perhaps a little less energy to my school work. I sacrificed pretty much everything and ultimately got nothing for it.

Of course, I don't believe that one should slack. Good grades are still a plus, but one of the things I realized in my year outside of school is that the world is much bigger than that. I learned that, regardless of how graduate school ultimately goes, I'm going to be just fine and I should take time to appreciate things in life that don't involve school. Relax a little bit. Will my grades be as good? Who knows, but does it really matter anyway if I'm not perfect all the time? It can really be a terrible burden.

The Grind

Today is one of those days. My temptations are pummeling me on all sides and it's hard enough when one comes at you, even tougher when they gang up. Do I binge on the pizza and ice cream? Do I email so-and-so and let hu (human) know about a perceived -although likely false- injustice? Do I call so-and-so to discuss a certain problem? Do I pester so-and-so so relentlessly via text that this person tells me, essentially, to shut up? Do I allow the negative thoughts that so often creep into my mind win out?

These problems, however, are actually secondary. They are part of a much larger struggle; do I fall back into my old patterns and ways or do I move on and become something new? It's a daily battle. The old way is easy and comfortable, that's why I keep going back to it time and time again. The old way, however, made me miserable and essentially took what should have been some of the best years of my life away from me. The old me had answers to the above problems, but what is the new me to do?

I'm almost tempted to go to the extreme, George Costanzaesqe solution. I know exactly what the old me would do, should I just take that, and simply do the opposite? Does that actually work in real life?

Cruces = Bad Karma

I'm starting to think that this town has it out for me. Every time I'm here, I get bad karmic vibes and my life, ends up miserable. The last time I was here were probably the two suckiest years of my life and driving down the same streets, those bad memories linger. This time around, despite the fact that I have taken positive steps to make my time here better than last, it seems to be one frustration after another.

The karmic bitch slap was first felt yesterday, when I went into work to check and see if I was on the schedule or not. Of course I was, only on the times that I had said I was NOT available. Wonderful eh?

Just wait. It gets better.

After getting that oversight fixed -which I understood how such a thing could be done considering the quality of my handwriting- I went to check out a movie only to find that, not only was my special employee rental account gone, but any record of me ever existing in the system at all was gone too! This is strange considering that I have never heard of this company deleting records..... ever.

Of course today didn't get much better. I realized that my drivers license was missing from my wallet and it cost me the whole afternoon trying to find that damn thing.... to no avail, of course. I suspect it is at the video rental store somewhere (where I last remember using it), but of course it was nowhere to be found. Should be no problem getting another one, except for the fact that my identifying documents are 400 miles away.

The other thing was my mail key. I had told them that I didn't have one when I moved in almost a week ago, but of course one hadn't been made yet. I went down to the office to inquire and they told me that they needed the mailman to do it, a fact they didn't mention last time. I waited all afternoon for him, and when he came, I asked him and he said I needed to get somebody in the office. I'm not sure what went on beyond this point, but the mailman did take the old lock off, but I'm still without a mail key of my own.

Seriously...... how hard is this stuff?

Monday: 8PM

The last few days have been getting better. Things are starting to come together and my life is starting to become settled again. I want my life to be different this time around, seriously different and I know it isn't just going to happen overnight. However, over the past few days, a certain thought has occurred to me, maybe I'm taking on too much too fast. So many changes need to be made and I plenty of time to make them. I just have to slow down some.

Life is funny. You want to think that you are in control of your own destiny and that everything that happens happens because you made it that way or planned it to be. I'm discovering, however, that perhaps 75% of life is totally beyond our control. That's how I've seen it anyway. Going back 3 or so years, where I had planned I would be and where I have actually ended up are totally different. I realized that there is a plan for me, one that I haven't made nor do I know what it fully is yet, but it exists and I can't stop it. The lesson here is that I need to stop worrying and let things fall into place on their own, which they will.

That's not to say, of course, that I shouldn't be a little proactive. There's still that important 25%. Things such as my physical health, relationships and work/school life are still within my realm of control and I have to do better at them this time around. I feel something this time, however, and this inner voice keeps telling me that things are going to be different.

The First Full (bad) Day

Today pretty much sucked. As most bad days go, it started well enough, but once the tide turns, it turns fast and hard. It started w/ my meeting with the adviser who got me set up in the program. He was nice enough, he just didn't give me all that much confidence that I'm really making the right move and that I'm a good fit in the program. He harped a lot on my relatively weak math background, which I knew coming in, but I didn't think it was as big a deal as it might turn out being. Of course, it could be just my imagination, and odds are, things will turn out fine, but that's not what I need to be hearing when I'm trying to re-build my life.

But a challenge is what I need. I've been swimming in a sea of lethargy for far too long and it's time to move on.

I'm currently in the process of moving into my new place. It's an interesting place and a certain architectural quirk could help in my physical goals for the semester, it has a lot of mirrors, full-body mirrors. Is there any more incentive to tone up than having to look at your fat self constantly. Speaking of which, my physical condition is really pathetic, I'm the heaviest I have ever been and I was getting winded while walking around campus.

In any event, I need to keep my motivation going and not let people put me into a funk like they did today. I need to keep my confidence and stay positive.

No Interesting Title

It's been a long time coming, but it is getting really really close. Time to move off and start my life again in a new town, starting graduate school. The whole thing is starting to make me very nervous and the nerves are starting to overtake my other emotions. It certainly doesn't help matters that, over the last few days, I've been drinking the sodas like it is nobody's business. I should probably stop that at some point.

I think there is something wrong with me. I should be excited, this is a new and wonderful phase in my life and a great chance at a new beginning. Yet, I'm not excited in the slightest. It is really part of a much larger problem of me being bland and emotionless in general in my life.

I need to get back my spark, the spark I haven't had since high school.

In other news, I went to the doctor today for a 3 month follow-up and when they weighed me I was horrified to see that I am now, officially, the highest weight I have ever been. I shouldn't have been surprised. I knew it was going to be bad; I haven't been working out and my metabolism was already shot to hell from all the chemo, but I still wasn't totally prepared to see it there in black and white. I suppose that is the one thing that I AM excited about, the new opportunity to get my body and fitness level back on track. I find it difficult to do that here at home.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

A series of strange events occurred this morning that not only caused me to end up at work on my day off, but be there an hour earlier than normal! First, I woke up unusually early for a Saturday morning, 7:30. Second, I went downstairs earlier than normal because the upstairs bathroom was occupied and third I happened to be standing right next to the phone when it rang. I didn't really mind going in today as I had nothing better to do. In fact, with that strange array of events, I was almost excited to go in thinking maybe I was destined for something to happen there. Alas, it was not to be. Granted, it wasn't a terrible day, but nothing great happened.

Focus on the Positive

Ok, I'm a bad, bad person. I haven't updated this blog in almost a month after I made a vow to myself that I was going to do it regularly. Well, you know how things happen. Some thoughtless individual made a rather snide comment about the contents of this blog and it kinda sucked out all my motivation to update it anymore. Oh well, screw them, it's a new year and I'm back with new vigor.

Over on my myspace blog, I was summarizing 2008 and basically came to one conclusion: it sucked major ass. The first half of the year was just fine, but the second half was consumed by my cancer and its subsequent treatments. Definitely not good times. But I've been thinking more about the issue, and in light of one of my goals for 2009, to be more positive, I concluded that 2008 was also a year of tremendous blessings.

The first blessing was the very fact that 2008 was 2008 and not 1968. If it were 1968, I would have been a dead man. Testicular cancer was a lethal killer back then. In 2008, however, it is probably the most easily treated of all cancers. How is that for blessing?

The second blessing, one related to the first, is that my treatments, although unpleasant, weren't as horrible as I had imagined and I had almost no complications (side-effects, yes, but that's not the same as complications). The fact that my treatments went so smoothly when, for many people, they don't, I consider a huge blessing. Two cases that illustrate this come quickly to mind: there's the case of the older woman I did the chemo teaching session with, they ended her treatment after about a month because it was so ineffective. I'm not sure where she's at now, but it's probably not as good a place as I'm in. There was also the man who I frequently saw in chemo room who ended up dead, at a young age too. Those things considered, I came out well.

The third blessing is also cancer related. Getting sick caused me to postpone a planned move in August, this gave me more time here at home and caused me to stick around at my job longer than I otherwise would have. This extra time allowed me to solidify some of my friendships that probably wouldn't have survived if I had moved in August like I was planning. Granted, it still looks like one of them isn't going to work out in the long-run, but I'm leaving town in much better shape socially than I was in when I first came here about a year ago.