Rules of the self-check

This madness really must stop. Self-check is one of the greatest advances in retail history, but it only works if people don't abuse it. Which, of course, they do. If it were up to me, these would be the rules of the self-check:

1) Large quantities of produce: typically, they don't have bar codes, rather, numeric codes for each individual item. This precludes quick scanning as most people don't know the codes off the top of their heads and have to look them up. Professional checkers, on the other hand, have most of the codes memorized and can type them in quickly and efficiently. Please, for the love of God, if you have a lot of produce, and by this I mean 2 or 3 bags, don't hold up the lines at the self-check.

2) More than 20 items. People, if you have a cart full of groceries (or whatever you are buying), don't go to the self-check. You aren't a good enough scanner to get out of there fast and since you have a large cart, odds are you aren't in any particular hurry anyway. Most stores that have self-checks aren't set up for large quantities. Regular registers, however, have belts, checkers, baggers and sufficient room to get large quantities out quickly. Don't hold up a self-check line because you have a lot of stuff.

3) Older than 60. Let's face it, old people suck at the new technology. I've never seen a person older than this use the self-scan with any degree of accuracy or speed. What typically happens is that they do it wrong, think the problem is the computer, and have to ask for help from the designated self-check employee. That employee, of course, is typically very overworked has about 4 or 5 other people to help first. This further delays the line. To avoid the trouble, old people, just go to the regular checkout line.

4) Alcohol: If you are buying alcohol, be careful with the self-check. Alcohol purchase shouldn't completely exclude you from the self-check, and this more flexible than the 55+ rule, but basically has the same problem, it requires employee assistance to check i.d.'s. This rule is largely dependent on how busy the store is. If you have a small quantity, have your i.d. ready to go, and relatively quiet store, I may let this one slide.

The key thing is to just be aware. By violating these rules, not only do you waste your own time, you waste everybody else's as well. I happen to believe that the self-check was made for people with a small quantity of things who need to get in and out fast, please, don't mess up the order of a store by your ignorance.