Every time is the last time.... until it's not. Funny how it is with a junkie and the best example of how irrational human beings can be. We have these habits and addictions and we know they are bad, but we keep doing them not thinking about the consequences until later, when it's often too late.
Same story different week
Yesterday was a pretty crazy food day. Huge breakfast, omelet, pancakes and hash browns, large lunch at the local Chinese feed bag, more than a generous helping of pizza for dinner and a medium sized Blizzard later in the evening. Roughly similar story for yesterday and the day before. I'm almost afraid to do a calorie count and it's probably best that I not. My own version of a hangover, my stomach inevitably hurts the next day. Is it worth it? It must be because I keep doing it again and again and again.
If this was just one unfortunate weekend, I could probably let it slide without comment, but no, this is part of a continuing cycle that happens week after week after week. Granted, yes, it could be worse, alcohol or cocaine, but these weekly food benders and massive quantities of sugar cannot be good for my health and certainly aren't good for my weight. They tend to not be good for my mood either because I always end up feeling weak and lousy the next day. There is a reason my weight jumped from 170 to 230 in three years and it is not entirely due to chemo.
But other than the health consequences, what it symbolizes is actually something much worse, a lack of control. A lack of control over my emotions, and the inability to channel some of my inner turmoil into something less destructive.
I swear, this is the last time...... until next time.
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